Tag Archives: writing

time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

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stuck in love.

12 Oct

i just got finished watching a brilliant film called, stuck in love. it was about a family of writers who were all at different stages of their lives and their careers as novelists. and they were stuck in some form of love whether it be unrequited, new, or running away from it. i thought it was beautiful, poignant, heartfelt, and moving. and i liked the fucked up nature that it also portrayed about how love looks sometimes.

i think it capitalized just how much love penetrates our being, how much it inspires us, breaks us, and can help us to live (or live again). if anyone who knows me knows just how much i love love and that is why i love movies like this. i’m all about a good love story despite my own failed attempts at it.

there is a scene in the film where one of the main characters is sitting in the car as rain falls (of course) and she is listening to a song being played for her by a guy who is incredibly sweet on her. she whispers, “i’m scared” and he acknowledges that. she turns to him with tears in her eyes and says that she doesn’t want to get hurt. he says, “i’m not going to hurt you.” her character had been burned by the bad taste that the love that had gone bad between her father and her mother had left in her mouth. so, for much of her young adult life, she had been running away from possibly the real thing until this one moment in a car, under the rain. absolutely loved this scene.

like i said before, this film is about a family of writers. the dad is an accomplished novelist and his daughter’s book gets published at the beginning of the film as his son is also a talented poet and science fiction writer. at one point in the film, the boy’s father is going through his son’s journal without him knowing (these kids have been keeping journals for most of their lives) and his dad comments to his son that he not only left his journal on his father’s desk to read if he wanted to but because he wasn’t afraid that there wasn’t something in there that couldn’t be read. his father said he was scared of that. he said we write from the experiences of our lives and he felt like his son wasn’t experiencing enough. he wasn’t taking enough chances, he wasn’t getting out there and was playing it too safe. this was another one of my favorite scenes.

i took from the scene above because i love to write. i’ve been writing for as long as i can remember and it’s something that i feel like i can always count on. it’s where i feel like i can trust myself the most, i feel like it’s something i can trust in general. but, lately, it’s been one of the last things i’ve wanted to do until i started to write this blog to help ease the things that i have been going through. when all of this started happening (whatever this is), i found myself paralyzed when it came to writing. i was questioning my ability as a writer even when i only write for myself so i’m really only my best critic. but, i didn’t feel like was good enough to write because i was questioning everything that i was as a person, even a self-proclaimed writer. i didn’t feel like i was producing anything original and there were no new concepts coming to me either. i was just going back and forth editing things that i had already written.

i attempted to write about things that i knew or at least i thought i knew but, what do i really know? and i tried writing about things that i wanted or things that i was going through in an artificial and somewhat fictional way but, it just wasn’t cutting it. because i didn’t know what i wanted, i still don’t. i didn’t feel like i was really getting anything out, if anything i was just piling it in more than i already was.

so, when i saw that scene when the father is talking to his son about writing from his experiences and that that is all that writers do, we write from experience whether it is put into something autobiographical or fantasy. it’s all from a place within. and it made me think back to when i started this blog earlier this week that i was wanting to write from a place within whether people understood it (or me) or had ever experienced the same thing or not. i wanted to write about the truth, i wanted to write about my own truth and that was something i did know about and that wasn’t something that could just be easily taken away from me. and it wasn’t about being good enough to write about it either because it was mine and that was what mattered. what mattered was that i was writing for me, to help me, and to bring myself something.

it wasn’t about being artificial or about trying to scope out just what kind of character i wanted or location would best fit the kind of story i was hoping to produce. it was about writing about what i was going through, about putting my thoughts to paper and seeing it in front of me. you know they say that when you’re able to actually physically look at something, rather than continue to imagine what it may or may not be, you take away the fear. that’s what i’ve been wanting to do. take away some of this fear.

for those of you who do know me and for those who have yet to know me, know that i love writing. writing is a great passion of mine. and with the help of this blog and this film, i hope it can inspire me to really let myself be in this time in my life, no matter how shitty it might feel and take that experience and put it into something. put my pain and what may feel like exasperated hope into words to help begin this healing process.

and also i want this specific time and movies like this to help me still believe in all the things that i used to and that was just how much i used to believe in love. how much i believe in the purity of it, the value of it, and the sanctity in which i esteem it to really be like. no love is perfect (boy, i have learned that one the hard way) and no piece of writing is either. each one is about experience and effort and the truths that we hold ourselves to.

i end this blog by saying that i’m currently staring out of the window to a beautiful fall day. the wind is slightly blowing and the sun is slowing fading as it highlights the richness of the fall’s colors. and i think to myself, this is how novels start…

she was just staring out her window, waiting for her life to start without realizing…it had already begun.