Tag Archives: truth

how do you know?

5 Mar

i was talking with a girlfriend the other day who is currently going through some problems in her marriage. and she asked me, how do you know it’s going to get better? she said that if she knew it was going to get better that she would do this a hundred million  times because she would know the outcome but, then she looked at me again and asked, how do you know? 

my first response was that you know you’re never going to have that answer and i stand by that because like her, i have asked myself that question a million times over. how do you know? how do you know that the choice you’re making or not making is going to effect your life in some way? and unfortunately, my answer is still the same, you won’t ever know.

it just so happen to be good timing when she asked me that it has been intersecting with my own personal life. i have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks or so. not the first guy i’ve seen since my breakup last year but, the first one that may actually be going somewhere seriously. he’s the only guy i’m seeing at the moment and yet, there are so many questions, fears, and feelings that are swirling around in my head at any given time. 

he’s a good guy. or at least that is what my instincts are telling me but, again, how do you know? after the hit I took this last year, how well do i really know about other people and what their intentions are all about or how well do i know about my own instinct? i feel like i really let myself down last year without listening to my instinct that may or may not have been screaming at me that the situation i was in wasn’t the best for me and now, my instincts might be telling me that this guy is a good guy and possibly worth taking a chance on but, i’m scared because…how do you know?

after you’ve been broken down a few times, i think your heart changes and the way you look at people and yourself changes. not to say that isn’t a good thing. i mean after you’ve been through some tough shit, you want to change even just for the very fact that you don’t want to be hurt that way again, but, can the change make you so afraid to make any decision at all? a part of me feels like i’m just waiting in limbo right now with this relationship and it’s very hard for me to even get excited about it. i’m so afraid that all the things i want just won’t happen and maybe not in this relationship or not at all. that’s why it’s very hard to even get my hopes up about anything at all.

i’m so afraid to get hurt again, i’m afraid to be disappointed or get lost in a situation that i shouldn’t be in. i’m afraid of putting myself into something, my whole self and not getting the same in return. i’m afraid, of well, i’m afraid of failing yet again. i feel like i’m getting too old to keep failing and failing so big. so, sometimes i find myself wanting to sabotage this relationship or myself. i know that isn’t the right thing but i feel like there is this part of me that is wanting to run scared. for so long now i have cultivated my independence once again and it’s something that i don’t want to lose or maybe it’s more about not wanting to lose my values, the ones that i’ve had for so long but haven’t ever really had met? i think that’s my biggest fear, is losing myself yet again for something or someone when i know it just isn’t the right thing.

so, now that i am faced with this particular situation i’m in which has brought me quite a bit of happiness back into my life, it ultimately has me wondering…how do you know? the only answer that seems appropriate…you don’t.

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sometimes the universe really does remember that you exist.

13 Jan

I’ll tell you something about tough times. They just about kill you, but if you decide to keep working at them, you’ll find your way through.”- Joan Bauer

This quote could not be more truer for me than it was today. For months and months I have been taking myself to the emotional brink of a certain event that happened this past year. I’ve struggled with the decisions, choices and a whole helluva lot of “what ifs” to the point of nausea. I mean, y’all have heard me whining about this shit for so long now but, somehow today, something happened so unexpectedly that I think it’s really brought me full circle with this situation and truly given me incentive to move on. This is how the story went…

So, I’ve never been a person who goes on dating sites. And when I say never, I mean not once in all of my 27 years have I done so. But, at the insistence of some family and friends, I thought I’d finally give it a try. I mean it’s a new year, why not, right? So, I’m setting up my profile on one of these websites and I’m not really taking it all that seriously but, as I am entering in what I’m looking for, somehow, as I’m writing it down, it’s like a lightbulb came on that said, yeah, this is really what you want and need. And everything up until now with anyone else has never given you that, not even close. And there I thought, it’s finally okay to feel like this is what I’m looking for and this is what I deserve and I don’t want to settle for anything else. Or at least compromise myself like I have over and over and over again. 

Anyway, so I’m done with my profile and get some hits and what not. Find some interesting people, some cute guys and some not so interesting folks. It was all very…well…let’s just say, interesting and enlightening. So, that was night one. Pretty harmless, right? So, today I go and check on this site to see what was up, almost like checking your email, as easy as that and I decide to check out, my matches. I’m thinking that matches means people that you are best matched with based on your likes but, apparently it meant it your matches based on your geographical location which I suppose makes sense in the grand scheme of things assuming that at one point if you find someone you are interested on one of these things, you’d want to eventually meet them.

anyway, so i’m looking at my matches and lo and behold, of all the places that I didn’t think I’d EVER see this person again is my ex-finance (you know, the one I’ve been heartsick about these last however many months) and the one that you know, got MARRIED about 4 months ago and is STILL MARRIED. so, immediately, I’m like WTF (after almost falling off my bed entirely). I’m thinking of all the places you’d be on in the social media world, why in the hell are you on here? I mean i have been plagued by months on end on social media outlets such as facebook and instagram with the temptation to see his new life and for the most part I have given in except the past couple of months so I thought I finally found the one place that I’d be free from you. I GUESS NOT. did I mention before…WTF?!?!?!?!!?

so, his profile on this dating website is under some different alias, and says he still lives in the town that I do which he does not and hasn’t for months now. oh and the other fact…YOU’RE MARRIED! and i feel like i would have given him more credit had he not filled anything out and just put his pictures up but this guy had the audacity to fill out his interests and what he’s looking for. YOU’RE MARRIED! did i mention that?!?

but, of course i’ve got to give this guy the benefit of the doubt which i cannot think why at all but i’m thinking okay, well maybe the marriage didn’t work or whatever the case may be…NOPE. still married. so, after I got over my initial shock and i was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, i gave my sister and one of biggest supporters a ring and we had a long chat about it. and she told me that i just have to realize that this is truly where i’m supposed to be, that that could have been me, would have been me had i decided to uproot my life and marry this guy and follow him to where he’s at now. and that i was so jealous of this person he was with, wanting to be her when it was a known fact that how he treated me was awful enough and that he wasn’t going to change. see, this is how i saw it. i thought, well he got married. that’s a big decision, right? maybe one of the biggest you’ll ever make in your life and you wouldn’t make it unless you were ready or just knew. so, i got that into my head. got it into my head that somehow there was something so much better about this person he had chosen to marry, that she had something i was lacking so very much. and that he had changed and was ready to commit and was being responsible. 

and who knows, maybe there is some truth to that but, not enough i don’t think. nothings changed. at least not for him. he is truly that guy who is who he is right now and i don’t know how long he’ll be that way but he is indeed that person. and seeing pictures of him and his wife and their new life has always made me so incredibly sad and jealous and angry at times but when i saw it today, i felt so different. okay, okay, i can admit that i did gloat a little, but only very little. because most of me felt an incredible sadness for her and for me and for him. because i was once that girl, we’ve all been, right? i was that girl who was just willing to settle for whatever came her way. i was going to take that life and make it my own when i knew i deserved so so much more. and when i was putting down my own preferences on my profile for what i wanted, i came to the HUGE realization that no person I’ve ever been with has ever come close to giving me any of the things I really wanted and needed. and especially not him.

and so i feel sad for him in the sense that there is still something in me that wants to believe that people are good and want to change. i want to believe that he can be the person i’ve always wanted him to be, can see him being. i just wish he wanted that as much as i do for him but i’ve heard it a million times and i will say it now, that some things never change. but, after seeing this and experiencing this today, i knew just how much i’ve changed. how much this pain has transformed me and how much growth i’ve really had this last year and still continue to have. it was quite profound for me. 

it made me feel like that every single thing i’ve been there, all of the tears, fights, struggles, changes, sleepless nights, hopelessness and a whole plethora of feelings has brought me to the place that i need to be and that’s here. i needed to be here in my hometown and in my home with my family and my friends surrounding me with their constant love and support. i needed to be in a familiar place that would bring me back to a place where i knew who i was, and what i was capable of. i needed to be in the ugliest of situations to show me just how strong i can, how much i can overcome, and who i really was beneath the rubble. 

i don’t know if today’s experience was the universe throwing me a bone or just shedding some light on me to tell me that it’s okay to be where i’m at, even if it wasn’t where i originally thought i was going to be or even if i feel like at times that i’m a million miles away from my dreams. i think it showed me a glimpse of the life i could have had and all the things i could have and would have lost had i decided to go down that path. life is just so fucking hilarious at times when it’s not beating you to the pulp. so, tonight, i feel like i’m going to go to sleep knowing that all the pain i’ve endured and put myself through wasn’t in vain and that i’m just getting started. 

time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

Aside

two steps forward…one million steps back.

4 Nov

last night i had a bit of a relapse. after two months of not looking at anything directly related to someone from my past, i thought i’d give it a try to see how i felt. i thought maybe enough time had passed and i would feel different and to a certain extent, i did and i do but, maybe just not enough.

and to have seen what i did see was well, hurtful i guess. someone made a comment about me in an indirect way and this person and the new person in his life made a comment about it and well, like i said, it just hurt. i want to get a place where when things like that are said that it really doesn’t bother me or affect me in any way. but, when i was talking to a girlfriend about this, she said that we are human and we are never going to get to an emotional place where when someone says something offensive about us that we aren’t going to be offended by it. and i understand that but, i guess i also need to accept that what i did see or what was said about me has no relation to who i am and that this person is the last person that would ever have any say over who i am.

my sister told me that. she said i don’t need to be validated by anybody, and especially someone who isn’t even a stand-up person to begin with and that in the end, it doesn’t matter if he’s suddenly a better person to the new person in his life, or whatever because it no longer has any bearing on what i’m doing with my life. i cannot change what has happened and i also have no control on what is going to be said or told. and she’s right. she really is.

and i’m pissed off at myself for allowing myself for one to back down this road. sure, i like familiar but, not when the familiar is lined up with razor blades slowly cutting me as i drag my sorry ass down the damn thing. and i’m so pissed to even think for one second that anything had changed. to think that maybe this person is better than that and they wouldn’t feel the need to feed into comments like the one that i saw, or the need to continually put me down as if i was in the wrong here somehow. i’m not a perfect person, i wasn’t then, i’m not now and i never will be but, in this relationship, i never, ever hurt this person. i can honestly say that i know the truth and the truth is that the only fault i had was just loving this person so incredibly that it allowed me to stay attached for that long and then some.

i know we all play our parts in relationships, whatever kind they may be and i know my part in this relationship. and i own it too. i feel like this person from my past hasn’t done that and maybe they don’t need to. i mean that is their prerogative and their choice entirely and i hate to even say it that i just hate how i’m being displayed. as though i was this terrible person, i was the one making bad choices and that i was the one doing the hurting. i was doing none of those things yet, when i see comments like the one that was made and others, i feel like anything but a good person.

but, like my sister said, does it matter? does it have anything to do with what i know about my experience with this person, does it change the truth, does it change the past, or does it have any impact on what i’m looking to do with my life right now? i guess i can answer a simple “no” to all of these questions. it doesn’t and i know that intellectually and it pisses me off that i have had to spend the time that i do analyzing it as i have, now writing this blog about it, and going to have to nap later to get it out of my mind. because in the end, it does. not. matter.

why do we spend so much time and energy pouring ourselves into the things that do nothing but drain us, question our abilities, and halt us in our progress? that is what i feel like right at this moment. i feel frozen again in my pain, feels like i’ve taken a million steps backwards even if that isn’t entirely the case and all i want to do is just bolt full speed ahead as far from this as possible. and mostly, i just don’t want to give a fuck. i don’t want to care about this person, i don’t want to care about what he has to say or the opinions of those who know nothing about what really happened or anything about me.

and i’m going to try to hold true to that. i’m going to try to keep on owning my truth. that’s all i really can do. this is one person’s opinion and it’s this particular person’s opinion and the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me. and i need to know that, more than anything. i need not let this person’s opinion outweigh what a hundred other people would say about me, people that really know me. i won’t let this one person define who i am.

my therapist told me that i don’t need to punish myself about this. yes, i took a step backwards but, that’s okay. i need to be kind to myself, if i needed anything right now, it’s kindness for myself. and i agree with her that it’s been in the times when i’ve been the most unkind to myself that that is when i start acting out. feeling the need and urge to want to punish myself further. and i feel like i’ve done enough of that for a lifetime. i want to turn this around quicker than i usually would. i don’t want to find myself sitting in bed, exhausted because my brain has been doing overtime on trying to analyze this crap to death.

it is what it is and it always has been. this person is who they are and they surround themselves with the people they do. and i can’t change that. i can’t control what is going to be said or not said. that’s just out of my power and i’ve got to accept that. but, i do have the control and power to know just how much pain i’m willing to put myself through and for how long and i just can’t do this to myself anymore. i thought two months was good enough, and it’s just not. and maybe there isn’t going to be a time limit where it will be enough, it may never be enough but, i know that i will know when i start to feel like these kinds of things are exactly what they are and that…is someone else’s truth…not mine.

come sit by me past…if you must.

3 Nov

there are more days now that i feel better than i have in a long time. that i can reflect on what i’ve been through and take a real account of what i’ve learned, what i’ve changed, how much i’ve grown, and where i want to go. yet, i still have the days when the past has somewhat of a ninja grip on me and i don’t know if it sometimes has direct relation to what is going on in my present or the fears of my future.

recently i thought i might be able to partake in something “casual” i suppose i will call it but, then it came to my attention that maybe i just couldn’t. i don’t know if i’m the kind of girl that is cut out for “casual”. because in the long run i know that i am someone who is looking for that true love and engaging in something casual just doesn’t seem like it fits into that category. and to say that i came about this decision on my own is well, it’s not the untruth but, it came about because this whole casual thing just sort of fell apart rather quickly because i guess said person just lost interest in continuing with this whole casual thing. i mean a few days and no call?!? yeah, that’s losing interest, right?

so, usually i would be hurt and not to say that i’m not but, i thought to myself that i’ve got to look at this from a different angle or it’s going to eat me up. for the first day it sort of did but, i’m really surprised at myself just the turn around i’ve had about the situation which is the quickest revelation i think i’ve ever had with something like this. sure, i had those penetrating thoughts about what happened, what did i do, what is he thinking, etc., etc., etc. and then i thought to myself and very loudly…WHO CARES?!? i mean, really, who does?!?

it’s not me. i’m not going to blame myself for one engaging in something that might have proven to be fun and for a very short time, it sort of was. and i wasn’t going to blame myself for someone else deciding something about me or the situation without proper communication or with judgment of their own. that’s not up to me and i don’t have to take the blame for that. if we are to be honest with ourselves and be present as much as we can, i can say that we are just who we are at this time. this person is who he is and who he is is a person who can’t engage in this casual thing for one reason or another and it’s lead me to believe the same thing.

and it did much more for me too. it was a way for me to test myself. to see what boundaries i could draw and what lessons i could possibly learn about myself, and what i wanted and what i didn’t want. i know in the long run, i don’t want casual. i want commitment, i want longevity, i want someone who is going to go the distance.

so, i guess you could say that this situation had me thinking about the past and quite in depth today, maybe more so than usual. and i almost tripped on myself and made myself take twenty million steps backwards. those lingering questions of what happened there, what did i do, etc. etc. etc. made me want to revisit my past. made me want to find a particular person and see their newfound happiness as it has been a couple of months since i last did that. and it’s been a huge hurdle for me and a struggle at the same time.

i know that when or if people read this they will be thinking why is it such a struggle? what does looking at the past do for me now in the present? and they’re asking all the right questions and i’m never sure if i have the right answers. i would say it’s cause i’m curious, it’s cause i’m still hurting, and it’s cause i want to know if there is any validation to my own life. and i know what you’re going to say again, how does the past validate anything that is happening now? and especially with a situation like mine? my past is the LAST thing that could ever validate what is going on in my present right now.

and i know that is a piece of truth that i really need to hold onto very tightly or i’m not going to continue to make the progress that i feel like i have been making and wish to continue to make. i don’t want to yearn for the past just because my present is sort of up in the air as is my future. some might call that a blessing. to be in a position where i have many options and opportunities to take advantage of, to not have everything so mapped out, and to possibly have some adventure. my sister always says that i have the world at my feet and the world is my oyster. cliche i know but, she really believes what she says when it comes to my life. and i give her credit for believing in it so much, maybe even more so than me at times.

i can’t deny that i don’t know the answers to just how long it’s going to take me to really get over what once was and what won’t be. i mean it’s the sting of rejection, a life not lived, something passing you by, and the idea of unworthiness. it’s all those things for me, but if you were to ask someone, they’d probably tell you that i also wasn’t the best judge of how i should analyze my own past. and they might be right but for now, that is my most honest answer about just how long my past might exist in my present.

yet, i feel it little by little, inch by inch, slowly but surely making its way out. it has a place here i won’t lie because it’s almost a gage for me in some way, or a reminder so that i don’t forget the pain, i don’t forget what hardship means to me and so that i can see a little further ahead of it to know that there is indeed something ahead of it. so i want to keep my past here, but i don’t want to let it rule me. so everyday i am going to try my best. i am going to breathe, be grateful for what i do have, seek out the opportunities that i can have and never forget at my core who i am, where i’ve been and where i could go.

knowing my truth.

23 Oct

i had another weekly session with my therapist today and as always, she asks me how i’m doing. i responded with an “i’m doing okay” and i actually am. it’s been a while for me to walk into her office and tell her that i’m doing okay because for a long time, i wasn’t. i couldn’t even utter those words. i think my response used to be that i didn’t know and that was honest too. but, now i am doing okay. 

today i talked to her about the fact that i’m alone and i wanted to explore this idea of being alone and what it actually means. so i’ve been alone now for five months but, it’s only been the last few weeks or month that i’ve really felt alone and that i’m just okay with it. but, sometimes when i’m deep in my thoughts and i’m thinking about a certain person, i wonder how okay i am with it? but, then i have to check in with myself which is what i told my therapist today too. i told her that that’s just me doing what i do best, think about the things that i can’t change and start to make comparisons and going back to good ole faithful, not feeling like i’m good enough and all that plethora of crap.

and i know none of that is allowing me to know my truth and the truth of the situation. so that is what i’ve been trying to do lately. when i feel myself going to those places where i start to ask unanswerable questions or start making comparisons, i tell myself to know my truth, to own my truth. and that truth has nothing to do with what has happened or what is going to happen. 

so, it’s made me think a lot about being alone now and how it’s okay but at the same time it’s not okay and that’s something i’m okay with admitting too. being alone is well, lonely. i feel like that makes sense, right? going from spending a lot of your time with someone and making certain plans to doing that on your own can be well, if you guessed lonely then you’re right on the money. yet the lonely isn’t something that is unbearable or unmanageable either, it is just where i’m at. it’s actually a place where i’ve been before and it’s a good place.

see, i’ve never been someone who has always had to be with someone. i’ve had very few serious relationships in my life and any relationship i did have, was just that, very serious. i am a very independent person and i’ve always liked that about myself for the most part. and it’s one of those things that i’m learning to get back to. getting back to the basics where i felt most like myself and where i felt the strongest. i allowed myself to get very involved this last year and get very serious about building and planning a future, mapping it all out, making the arrangements, and readying myself. but, as you might have guessed, life never asks you what you want. and it didn’t, not in this case.

so, i find myself using a lot of this time to do a whole helluva lot of reflection which is greatly needed. and of course i’m reflecting on being alone. i’ve been spending a lot of time at home just watching movies, tv shows, and hanging with the dog. i’ve been making dinners and drinking some very tasty wines. i’ve been trying to work out here and there and get out into the so-called sun (when it actually does grace us with its presence) to walk the dog. i’ve sort of been retreating into a little bit of a hermit stage but to be honest, i’m kind of enjoying it. it’s been a long time since i feel like i’ve spent any time with just myself and i used to do that all the time and so i’m trying to get back there. again, back to the basics. 

like i said before, i can’t lie that it isn’t a lonely feeling at times. i used to spend a lot of my time making dinners with someone, going out into the sun with someone, watching movies with someone and now i’m not. so, when i think of those things it makes me feel lonely. it makes me creep into those dark facets of my mind where he still exists. especially now since our lives are so different, even in the short time that has lapsed in-between when we both existed in the same time. 

it makes me wonder if being alone is a bad thing, is it? i feel like when i say those words outloud, it’s like i’m spreading some plague or that i’m allowing myself to fall into the category of some old lady spinster spending her saturday nights at home with her cat (my “cat” is actually a dog in this case) or that when people see me on the streets, they’re pitting my single status. and i’ve got to admit that i’ve even done that on occasion especially when i see all these lovey-dovey couples out there or hearing my friends talk about their significant others.

but, i bring myself back to the truth. and the truth is this…yes, i am alone. i have been alone before and who knows how long i’ll be alone. but, right now i am alone. it is lonely at times. but it is also liberating at times and freeing and peaceful too. and it’s not because i’m not catering to someone else or trying to make something work because trust me, that is what i want. i want a partner, i want to share my life with someone but, i’m okay right now with letting myself putting that kind of work into just myself. i’m not sure if i can ever say i’ve done that. sure, i’ve been alone before but, i’ve never put this kind of work into myself like i have been. and that is the best and only truth that i really need to know right now. 

so when i’m spending my saturday nights as some old lady spinster with her dog, i will probably feel the seeds of loneliness but i will also feel my truth and just keeping trying to know it and own it. 

when i look back at you and me.

21 Oct

i was talking to a girlfriend earlier tonight and she herself is going through a little bit of a heartbreak that is pretty fresh and i could definitely relate to that too. i remember that all too well like it happened yesterday but it didn’t. and that makes me think about all of these months that have passed and what that “fresh” feeling once felt like. it’s something you never forget. anyone who has ever gone through an honest to god heartbreak can attest to that, right? it’s one of if not thee most real feelings you’ll ever feel in your life.

anyway, she and i were talking about the endless questions we all pose ourselves about why it happened, why didn’t it work out, what was it about me, etc. and the list goes on. it seemed all too familiar. and i felt highly unqualified to be talking to her about what exactly she should or shouldn’t be doing to help herself get through this stage because i am probably thee worst person to be talking to be this. i said it myself and i will say it again that i did everything and anything to cut off the healing to myself and it’s really only been the last couple of months when i’ve really started to allow myself to heal. but, still, i wanted to be a friend and tell her about my own process to cope.

it’s not the same for everyone and we all have to do what we have to do to get us through the pain and that is something i felt like i was qualified to tell her to do. and to not let herself get too run over by thoughts about all the things that we cannot change, and all the questions that simply don’t have answers. if i could have done that sooner, i most certainly would have. but, i understand that it’s just in our nature to do that to ourselves. shit, i mean i still do that. it’s hard not to but, it’s just too damn easy to do it to yourself and it’s not productive in anyway.

talking to her made me reflect so much about my experience and it’s a humbling thing to think about. it really is. i think about what i’ve gone through to get to this place in my life and all the truly gut-wrenching, chest-tightening, hard-to-breathe pain that i have allowed myself to feel for so many months. don’t get me wrong when i say that i don’t still have those days when it just all around sucks but, i can noticeably know the difference now between having a good day and obviously not and it’s because i’m finally allowing myself to. i’m actively allowing myself to know my truth and the truth of my experience and my situation and know just how powerful that truly is. and that’s something that also can’t be taken away.

i was talking to my oldest sister today after having not talked in a while. during the midst of my deepest pain, it was best for her and i to give each other a break because we truly saw my situation in two totally different ways and i just had to let myself deal with my own grief and pain in the way that i had to and it was best that for a time, she wasn’t a part of that. when we resumed talking today, it was great. it was better than great. it was like it always was and i know that i can count on that and more than anything, i need that in my life. things and people to count on.

she told me something that really resonated with me. she said although during our struggles we must think about our pain so that we don’t forget and that we learn from it, we have to also not let it cloud out the good. because the good is what gets us through, makes us continue to believe in all that is good. and she was right. on the other side of this struggle, even within this struggle there is so much good and that is also truth. i would not have been able to get to this place right now to even sit here and write any of this if there wasn’t some good in my life and that i still believed in that. it has been by the grace of those who love me and that i love that has allowed me to keep going, to not give up and to honor just who i am and all i’m about to be.

it has also been by the grace of belief that has gotten me through this as well. to continue to have the ability to believe that for one, i am capable of making it through my struggles and that what’s waiting for me on the other side may very well be so much better than i ever thought whatever i had before was and could be.

so, tonight, i’ve had much reflection about you and me. this is the first time i’ve addressed you directly in any of my blogs or writing and i know you’re not reading this, and that’s okay. but i will talk to you as though you are. although i know where you are in the world, i hardly know who you are anymore or who you truly ever were. and somehow, i’ve got to be okay with that. i told my friend tonight that she had to just let this person (her recent heartbreak) just be who he is at this time and that it didn’t have a reflection of who she was. and that too is something i have to accept and i think day by day, i am doing just that.

i’ve thought so many times about you and me. i still do everyday. and i think about what you’re doing, if you’re happy, how you’ve moved on, and how you live. and everyday is a battle between really hating you for all that you did, and just letting myself be with all that happened and happens. it’s a constant struggle and i think it’s supposed to be that way because if not, how would i learn? how would i know what i’m supposed to know when this is all said and done?

but, mostly i think everyday i’m inching that much closer to letting you go, letting go of all the things that i wished for you and i. and letting you be just where you are knowing that that is how it is supposed to be. and i hope that everyday brings me closer to the kind of peace i’m looking for when i look back at you and me. because one day, i’d like to look back and think that there was a small time in our lives when you and i sat across from one another in a car and we didn’t have to say anything. you just smiled at me and i couldn’t look away because i thought that there was nothing that was ever going to be better than this moment, right here, right then when i looked at you and me.

when i look back at you and me, i want to look back knowing that there was every reason for you to be in my life and every reason for you to leave the way you did so that one day, someday, i will look across at someone sitting next to me, without having to say a word, knowing without a doubt that this is where i’m supposed to be, and who i’m meant for. and that it’s okay that it’s not ever going to be you.

so, like i said earlier, tonight i let myself think about you and i’m sure i will tomorrow and the next day. but, i know one day, and one day soon, it won’t be that way. you will be just a memory of a time in my life where i came to terms with who i am and all that i am truly capable of. and i know i’m made for so many things in this life, and one of them is living without you because that’s what i’m doing and that’s what i will keep doing. and tonight, i’m okay with that.

side note: i’ve included the lyrics to a song by katy perry which has not only inspired this blog tonight but really captures much of my experience thus far. it’s beautiful song indeed.

By The Grace Of God

Katy Perry

I was 27 was surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymoreBy the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
Oh there is no more mourning over
Can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
Oh, that way, that way, no
Not in the name
In the name of love
That way, that way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way