Tag Archives: trust

how do you know?

5 Mar

i was talking with a girlfriend the other day who is currently going through some problems in her marriage. and she asked me, how do you know it’s going to get better? she said that if she knew it was going to get better that she would do this a hundred million  times because she would know the outcome but, then she looked at me again and asked, how do you know? 

my first response was that you know you’re never going to have that answer and i stand by that because like her, i have asked myself that question a million times over. how do you know? how do you know that the choice you’re making or not making is going to effect your life in some way? and unfortunately, my answer is still the same, you won’t ever know.

it just so happen to be good timing when she asked me that it has been intersecting with my own personal life. i have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks or so. not the first guy i’ve seen since my breakup last year but, the first one that may actually be going somewhere seriously. he’s the only guy i’m seeing at the moment and yet, there are so many questions, fears, and feelings that are swirling around in my head at any given time. 

he’s a good guy. or at least that is what my instincts are telling me but, again, how do you know? after the hit I took this last year, how well do i really know about other people and what their intentions are all about or how well do i know about my own instinct? i feel like i really let myself down last year without listening to my instinct that may or may not have been screaming at me that the situation i was in wasn’t the best for me and now, my instincts might be telling me that this guy is a good guy and possibly worth taking a chance on but, i’m scared because…how do you know?

after you’ve been broken down a few times, i think your heart changes and the way you look at people and yourself changes. not to say that isn’t a good thing. i mean after you’ve been through some tough shit, you want to change even just for the very fact that you don’t want to be hurt that way again, but, can the change make you so afraid to make any decision at all? a part of me feels like i’m just waiting in limbo right now with this relationship and it’s very hard for me to even get excited about it. i’m so afraid that all the things i want just won’t happen and maybe not in this relationship or not at all. that’s why it’s very hard to even get my hopes up about anything at all.

i’m so afraid to get hurt again, i’m afraid to be disappointed or get lost in a situation that i shouldn’t be in. i’m afraid of putting myself into something, my whole self and not getting the same in return. i’m afraid, of well, i’m afraid of failing yet again. i feel like i’m getting too old to keep failing and failing so big. so, sometimes i find myself wanting to sabotage this relationship or myself. i know that isn’t the right thing but i feel like there is this part of me that is wanting to run scared. for so long now i have cultivated my independence once again and it’s something that i don’t want to lose or maybe it’s more about not wanting to lose my values, the ones that i’ve had for so long but haven’t ever really had met? i think that’s my biggest fear, is losing myself yet again for something or someone when i know it just isn’t the right thing.

so, now that i am faced with this particular situation i’m in which has brought me quite a bit of happiness back into my life, it ultimately has me wondering…how do you know? the only answer that seems appropriate…you don’t.

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