Tag Archives: time

sometimes the universe really does remember that you exist.

13 Jan

I’ll tell you something about tough times. They just about kill you, but if you decide to keep working at them, you’ll find your way through.”- Joan Bauer

This quote could not be more truer for me than it was today. For months and months I have been taking myself to the emotional brink of a certain event that happened this past year. I’ve struggled with the decisions, choices and a whole helluva lot of “what ifs” to the point of nausea. I mean, y’all have heard me whining about this shit for so long now but, somehow today, something happened so unexpectedly that I think it’s really brought me full circle with this situation and truly given me incentive to move on. This is how the story went…

So, I’ve never been a person who goes on dating sites. And when I say never, I mean not once in all of my 27 years have I done so. But, at the insistence of some family and friends, I thought I’d finally give it a try. I mean it’s a new year, why not, right? So, I’m setting up my profile on one of these websites and I’m not really taking it all that seriously but, as I am entering in what I’m looking for, somehow, as I’m writing it down, it’s like a lightbulb came on that said, yeah, this is really what you want and need. And everything up until now with anyone else has never given you that, not even close. And there I thought, it’s finally okay to feel like this is what I’m looking for and this is what I deserve and I don’t want to settle for anything else. Or at least compromise myself like I have over and over and over again. 

Anyway, so I’m done with my profile and get some hits and what not. Find some interesting people, some cute guys and some not so interesting folks. It was all very…well…let’s just say, interesting and enlightening. So, that was night one. Pretty harmless, right? So, today I go and check on this site to see what was up, almost like checking your email, as easy as that and I decide to check out, my matches. I’m thinking that matches means people that you are best matched with based on your likes but, apparently it meant it your matches based on your geographical location which I suppose makes sense in the grand scheme of things assuming that at one point if you find someone you are interested on one of these things, you’d want to eventually meet them.

anyway, so i’m looking at my matches and lo and behold, of all the places that I didn’t think I’d EVER see this person again is my ex-finance (you know, the one I’ve been heartsick about these last however many months) and the one that you know, got MARRIED about 4 months ago and is STILL MARRIED. so, immediately, I’m like WTF (after almost falling off my bed entirely). I’m thinking of all the places you’d be on in the social media world, why in the hell are you on here? I mean i have been plagued by months on end on social media outlets such as facebook and instagram with the temptation to see his new life and for the most part I have given in except the past couple of months so I thought I finally found the one place that I’d be free from you. I GUESS NOT. did I mention before…WTF?!?!?!?!!?

so, his profile on this dating website is under some different alias, and says he still lives in the town that I do which he does not and hasn’t for months now. oh and the other fact…YOU’RE MARRIED! and i feel like i would have given him more credit had he not filled anything out and just put his pictures up but this guy had the audacity to fill out his interests and what he’s looking for. YOU’RE MARRIED! did i mention that?!?

but, of course i’ve got to give this guy the benefit of the doubt which i cannot think why at all but i’m thinking okay, well maybe the marriage didn’t work or whatever the case may be…NOPE. still married. so, after I got over my initial shock and i was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, i gave my sister and one of biggest supporters a ring and we had a long chat about it. and she told me that i just have to realize that this is truly where i’m supposed to be, that that could have been me, would have been me had i decided to uproot my life and marry this guy and follow him to where he’s at now. and that i was so jealous of this person he was with, wanting to be her when it was a known fact that how he treated me was awful enough and that he wasn’t going to change. see, this is how i saw it. i thought, well he got married. that’s a big decision, right? maybe one of the biggest you’ll ever make in your life and you wouldn’t make it unless you were ready or just knew. so, i got that into my head. got it into my head that somehow there was something so much better about this person he had chosen to marry, that she had something i was lacking so very much. and that he had changed and was ready to commit and was being responsible. 

and who knows, maybe there is some truth to that but, not enough i don’t think. nothings changed. at least not for him. he is truly that guy who is who he is right now and i don’t know how long he’ll be that way but he is indeed that person. and seeing pictures of him and his wife and their new life has always made me so incredibly sad and jealous and angry at times but when i saw it today, i felt so different. okay, okay, i can admit that i did gloat a little, but only very little. because most of me felt an incredible sadness for her and for me and for him. because i was once that girl, we’ve all been, right? i was that girl who was just willing to settle for whatever came her way. i was going to take that life and make it my own when i knew i deserved so so much more. and when i was putting down my own preferences on my profile for what i wanted, i came to the HUGE realization that no person I’ve ever been with has ever come close to giving me any of the things I really wanted and needed. and especially not him.

and so i feel sad for him in the sense that there is still something in me that wants to believe that people are good and want to change. i want to believe that he can be the person i’ve always wanted him to be, can see him being. i just wish he wanted that as much as i do for him but i’ve heard it a million times and i will say it now, that some things never change. but, after seeing this and experiencing this today, i knew just how much i’ve changed. how much this pain has transformed me and how much growth i’ve really had this last year and still continue to have. it was quite profound for me. 

it made me feel like that every single thing i’ve been there, all of the tears, fights, struggles, changes, sleepless nights, hopelessness and a whole plethora of feelings has brought me to the place that i need to be and that’s here. i needed to be here in my hometown and in my home with my family and my friends surrounding me with their constant love and support. i needed to be in a familiar place that would bring me back to a place where i knew who i was, and what i was capable of. i needed to be in the ugliest of situations to show me just how strong i can, how much i can overcome, and who i really was beneath the rubble. 

i don’t know if today’s experience was the universe throwing me a bone or just shedding some light on me to tell me that it’s okay to be where i’m at, even if it wasn’t where i originally thought i was going to be or even if i feel like at times that i’m a million miles away from my dreams. i think it showed me a glimpse of the life i could have had and all the things i could have and would have lost had i decided to go down that path. life is just so fucking hilarious at times when it’s not beating you to the pulp. so, tonight, i feel like i’m going to go to sleep knowing that all the pain i’ve endured and put myself through wasn’t in vain and that i’m just getting started. 

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time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

about time.

16 Nov

the other day i caught an afternoon movie which was about time and it was aptly named, about time. it starred rachel mcadams who if you’ve been sitting beneath a rock gained her rise from fame from a little film called the notebook. anyway, it’s besides the point who is in the film. i just had to give her a shout-out cause i have a huge lady crush on her. 

so the film is all about time and how we use it and what we would do with it if we had the chance to go back and relive certain moments in our lives. and that is what the main character is faced with. he has the ability to do just that, go back in time to redo certain moments in just his life. he decides to go back into the past to change certain things but with inevitability, it changes things to the point where it’s undone the things that he wants. his goal is to get a girlfriend and that is when he meets the lovely mcadams. yet, when he tries to change certain things, it changes meeting her altogether. 

his dad says that when he decides to change certain things, he needs to change the things that will somehow make his life better. and that he does. he gets the girl and quite a lovely life with her, marriage, children, love and all. it was an incredibly sweet concept and executed very well or at least that is what i thought. and of course, it got me thinking or i wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. 

it got me thinking about time and the ability to change certain things and if i had the chance, would i? what would i we each give to change the things that have either brought us immense pain, or even pleasure, would we do it again or alter it in some way? and the film also got me thinking about how effectively am i using my current time. how much of me is being present and how much of me is still living in the past? 

to answer my first set of questions, would i go back and change certain things? oh God yes. yes, yes, and a thousand times yes. but, just like in the film, it has made me think that if i were to do that, how much would other things change? how much would i change and would i not have the opportunity to have learned as much as i have and experienced what i have? even with the pain, the immense pain, and the truly heartbreaking pain, it’s all growth, right? i mean i’m like anybody else who doesn’t really want to feel pain. it’s like seeing something on a menu and you think, eek, i don’t think that would taste very good, not sure how my stomach could handle that. i think that’s how we all look at pain. it’s not something we would actively swallow but it’s like that one time that you decide to step outside of your box, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to experience something new which just may include pain. 

so, although i would love to go back and change certain things just to avoid feeling the pain that i have, i know it wouldn’t do me any good. i wouldn’t be able to recognize growth, accept and welcome growth and live growth as i am right now. and in the long run, that’s what i want, that’s what i need. i think that’s what all people should want.

it’s funny to think about all the things we do and don’t do that decide what path we are going to go down. all the things that we accept and avoid lead to our experiences and it’s the result of those experience that make up how we see ourselves, our reactions, our motives, and pretty much everything else in-between. so, it makes me think about all my choices, and all the paths it has lead me down. i feel like every experience leads me down a new path, or maybe it is just one very long path with many detours and exits and on-ramps.

and i’m speaking to my current experience as well and how effectively i am using my current time. i know i could be using it more effectively in the sense where i am just focused on myself. i am learning that day-by-day and it’s a hard lesson. it shouldn’t be but it is because there is still some of me living in the past. thinking about all the things that have happened and the things that cannot be changed and maybe what i’d like to change. but, what would that really change? nothing, right? i mean it’s happened. it’s all about the coulda, woulda and shoulda. but that’s now and not then. so, what can i do to be more effective with my current time? what can i do to make my life better, right now, right in this moment, right in this present time? 

i think that is probably the simplest answer that anyone could answer and it’s in two parts: focus on myself and focus on myself in the present. be here right now, just in this moment, and in every moment from now on. and it’s not going to be easy because i am a person who lives her life very much by the things she regrets and wishes she could do different but, that is all apart of this growth, is it not? i need to learn to grow out of such things, and learn to accept them. it’s an old adage that we cannot change the things that have already happened and the only thing now in my control is what i do from here on out, that is what really matters. 

the past is exactly that, the past. something that has already occurred.and the present is where it’s all happening, and it’s not marred by the past either and that is another thing i need to accept. the past has made me strong, has allowed me to learn and continue on in spite of it. it doesn’t have to deter me into wayward thinking or that it influences who i’m going to be. one day, i hope to come to that acceptance and many more things. 

until then, it’s all about time…