Tag Archives: strength

it’s been a while.

23 Dec

it’s been seven months since we split and last night, you came to me in my dream. i didn’t expect to see you there, it’s been a while. only on rare occasions have i seen you there and for the most part, i’d rather not because i feel like i see you enough in my waking world with the memories that still surround me that when i close my eyes, i’d like some peace.but, the more i’m awake today, i feel like it’s okay that you were there.

i will tell you about my dream as if i am talking to you about it, like you were my friend which once upon a time, you were. so in my dream i had fallen in love with someone else which was surprising. not that i had fallen in love because, well, actually maybe that was surprising but i know that is what i want for myself again someday. but, i had fallen in love and it was with someone other than you yet, somehow you were still there. i mean literally there, right beside me and my new love. i don’t know if you two knew each other or what, but he seemed oblivious to your presence but, not me. you were talking (that country twang still so prevalent in your voice) and it was as if i was the only one to hear you. you were chatting us up but my new love wasn’t really paying attention but i was, it was like you were speaking directly to me.

then suddenly we were in some kind of underground room of some sort with metal picnic-like benches everywhere and we were still sitting on the ground just like before. i was in my partner’s lap and you were sitting on one of the benches with your wife. let’s just say she wasn’t as smart and incredibly loud in my dream which i’m assuming she isn’t like in real life (or so I hope) but you guys were happy and it felt…okay. it felt okay to watch from a distance your new life and mine as well. actually, i was living mine and it felt okay.

the next thing i know, i’m about to run a marathon. i felt prepared for it yet, when it came time to do it, i couldn’t really run. i was sluggish and falling behind. like my feet were stuck in concrete or something. i was running in a city and all the buildings around me were glass and above me, i could see you. you had just sat down in some cafeteria like place and i was drawn to you (just like i once was before so that didn’t surprise me). you were carrying around your military bag so i don’t know if you were going someplace or just coming back but either way, you were there and i had to see you. 

so i ran as fast as i could to where you were and when i got there, it was like everything had changed. you had changed. i had changed. our lives had changed. suddenly, you looked different, older. you were a grown man and i’d never seen you like that before. i felt like the only time i knew you was when you were a young spirit, a wild horse, someone unlike me at all. anyway, you were standing at some table and i approached you and you smiled at me. we still knew each other. or maybe we didn’t and you and i were just being friendly. but, you leaned in and kissed me on the forehead and when we pulled from one another, you just smiled. i don’t remember us saying anything but maybe say everything.

you were going to stay married, or you had continued to be married this whole time whether it was to the same person you’re married to now or not. but you had a whole life and so did i. i remember walking away feeling, i don’t know, just okay. like we had both grown into the people we had wanted to be. 

waking up, i felt extremely disturbed by this dream because you were in it. my heart was racing this morning and trying to go over it again and again. i know a part of it was because it felt bittersweet, like that was one of the only places i could see you because we have no contact, i don’t know how you live your life and i don’t know what kind of person you are right now so seeing you in a state like that really rattled me some.i think it was because again, you were once someone who meant so much to me and now you’re becoming but a memory, some good and some not. it felt like i was coming back to old memories of us and old feelings, the things that progressed our relationship in the first place.

i also think it rattled me because seeing you all grown up like that was surreal and to know that that was going to happen (if it does and I sincerely hope it does) without me. that our lives were going to go on as they were and without each other which i can freely admit at times is a hard pill to swallow but, just like in my dream and my waking life, i do know that that is okay and that is the very and only way it should be. don’t get me wrong, i’m still not a big believer in this whole “meant to be” business but, if this is how it is right now, then so be it because after all of these months all i’ve wanted to be was okay. i just wanted to find the strength to move on, i wanted to find the courage to discover who i was, and the ability to know that i can live the life that i want at my own standards and i feel like every day however hard a struggle it is, i am doing it and on my own terms finally. 

i have these days where i think back to you and me and all the things i wanted so badly and all the things i wish i could have done differently so that maybe you’d still be here but, quicker and quicker i’m shutting down those thoughts because i know that who i have become, the things that i have done in the time that you’ve been gone and the things that i so want to accomplish and will, i couldn’t have done those things had you still been in my life. however hard that is to think, and feel and say out loud but, it is the truth. sure, i’m not the exact person i want to be because that’s the thing about life, it’s all about growing but if i were still in the same situation i was when i was with you, i’d be so far from who i could be and that, well, that’s just not an option for me anymore. 

so, maybe this makes me sound pathetic and i’m sure some people will say it does because like i said, it’s been seven months now and i still have days where i think of you and i think of you and me. it’s bittersweet, painful, regretful, remorseful, confusing, complicated but…it is also okay. above all of those it is okay and that is something i know i couldn’t have said when this all started. i’m okay knowing that you’re okay and i’m okay knowing that i’m okay. and i don’t know about you but, i’m ready to start a new year and turn that okay into something more. 

so, if i don’t see you again whether it be in my dreams or elsewhere…happy new year to both you and me. 

let the light in.

23 Oct

Let The Light In

 

Found myself in the dark

On the floor spread out thin

Dark and dank

The curtains are drawn

The light doesn’t exist

Not in this place

 

The floor is cold

Hard and unmovable

I try to crush it with my fist

It doesn’t move

I collapse

The hurt keeping me down

The curtains are still drawn

Where is the light?

 

I begin to move

My body stirs

Feeling light and unlike myself

But somehow one foot moves in front of the other

I’m shaking cold and naked

The ground beneath stands still

But I’m moving

 

My eyes sting

Burning and rimmed with red

Blinking hard and confused

Because in the distance I can see it

There is a crack between what was and what will never be

 

My breath is heavy

My chest is panting

And my heart is racing

I reach up towards the sky

My hands shaking

 

Then in the quiet

I exhale

The curtains open

And there is the light

 

My eyes no longer hurt

My body is no longer shaking

And I feel the warmth of what is

And all that will be

The light is here

It exists in this one place

it’s okay to not get what you want (or at least that’s what they tell me).

14 Oct

earlier today i posted a quote about strength. about dealing with your problems, and not hiding from them. and how that is true strength. i can certainly attest that it feels anything like that but, i think in the end, it couldn’t be more right. i feel like dealing with my shit, being in the pits of the pain and looking at my whole self feels well, really shitty. and it doesn’t always make me feel strong. it often times makes me feel weak, especially when i’m in the depths of it which a lot of the times, i am. but, and i don’t say this lightly, i think that’s the whole point. to go through the trenches and to come out the other side, that is considered strength and i’m unsure of how that’s supposed to feel but, i’m going to assume it feels pretty damn good.

so, it got me thinking about going through what i’m going through and what it might feel like to come out the other side. and i kept thinking about this pain, often times intense and some days not to intense like today. and because i had some clarity today, it got me thinking that i feel the way that i do mostly because i haven’t gotten what i want or what i thought i wanted or hoped i would get. whatever version it is, i didn’t get it.  and if you’re like me, when you don’t get what you want, well, it fucking sucks. no other way to say that. it sucks to not get what you want, it sucks to put in effort to get what you want and in the end it doesn’t quite happen that way or just doesn’t happen at all. 

something about being human propels us so much to reach out and grab onto things. we want some things so badly, so badly that you could probably taste it from miles away. want to touch it, we want to own it. we want to prove ourselves right, we want to prove others right. we want to be right. we want to see that everything we wanted when we closed our eyes and dreamed of…will be right there in front of us when we open our eyes again. but, i think that’s also the problem too. we close our eyes. and we do it too often. 

and that’s not a bad thing. it’s not even abnormal. we all do it. we all have to do it. if we didn’t, it would make us anything but human. we wouldn’t be people who want to love, who want to hope, who want to live our lives giving ourselves to someone else in hopes that it may just be the be all and end all. but, it’s the thing that gets us in trouble. yet, having said that some might argue that it’s the things like that that make us exactly who we are, give us our experience, and give us the strength and compassion to move forward with our lives and persevere, even under the harshest of conditions. 

so, i was driving today and certain songs within the last year have meant a great deal to me because they represented a time in my life when i thought i was going get a particular thing and within the past four months, i’ve not been able to listen to them all that much. and for many reasons. one of the big ones being the plain fact that they bring me a certain kind of pain to listen to them as they open up the wound to old memories, feelings, etc. but, today i thought to myself i’m not going to do that anymore (or at least today). i rolled my window down taking in that crisp fall breeze and i blasted those songs that once meant a great deal to me some time ago, sang along to me and sped down the highway. and it felt…it just felt okay.

i didn’t feel like i was going to cry. i didn’t feel an onslaught of memories coming in to hammer my heart some more, and i didn’t feel like i was going to have to pull over because i was falling apart once again. i think i actually laughed a little and smiled. 

therefore this particular moment in time, it really got me thinking about how it’s okay to not get what you want. for one, don’t quote me on that. i know for a fact that i won’t feel that way every day. and its been on a rare occasion that i do actually feel that way because all the other times, i’m screaming at the universe and damning it for putting me in the place that i’m at right now. but, today was that rare occasion. 

you know i’ve actually heard it be said many times before. not just from myself but from others and it’s one of the most hard truths i’ve ever heard in my life. it’s okay to not get what you want. because a lot of the times when i see that or hear it, i’m like what the fuck do you mean it’s okay to not get what you want? you didn’t get what you wanted, how is that okay? and trust me when i say this, i ask myself that more often times than not and i think i always get the same answer…it just is.

how frustrating is that? that’s not even a goddamn answer! it just is? really? that’s the best you got? as you can tell, i do a lot of talking to myself. but it is the best answer and really the only answer. it’s okay to not get what you want. and that’s something we have to accept, it’s something i’m learning to accept and it ain’t no easy thing either. because we want what we want. we just do and that’s the best answer too. but it’s okay to not get what we want no matter our effort because i’m starting to think it’s more about the effort than it is the result. it’s the easy thing to get what you want and hell, sometimes we do and i think that’s great too. whether we put in the effort or not, when we do get what we want, we can all be honest with ourselves and say that it is indeed, a great feeling.

but, it’s more about the effort to get what we want is what i want to focus on, at least from now on. i want to believe that the effort i’ve put into trying to obtain certain goals or just certain wants (whether i should have wanted them in the first place or not) is what really matters, is what shows the kind of person i am, have always been, and want to continue to be. it shows the strength i do have to keep on keeping on, despite not getting what i want. that i’m still living to tell the tale because i will be the first to tell you that not getting what i’ve wanted has left me spurned, burned, beaten down, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed (to say the least), angry and then pissed the fuck off, and utterly and completely broken. 

yet, like i said i’m still here to tell the tale. i’m here to tell you that not getting what you want hasn’t lead to death and it won’t, at least not in my case. it doesn’t kill us to not get exactly what we want, even if it feels like it will. i don’t want to say that not getting what you want makes you a better person or a stronger person or a whatever kind of person. it sometimes is just the cards that we are dealt and whatever it does make us…is what it makes us. i don’t know what this journey will make me, i don’t know how often i’m going to think as clearly as i did today, or if i will be able to listen to those particular songs and have a smile on my face, or that i won’t have those days that i am just so goddamn frustrated that i’m not getting what i once wanted so bad. 

but, i do know that even just having moments of clarity like this are the days that i live for. these are the moments that i know are going to reveal who i am…whoever that may be. 

Quote

Anyone can hide…

14 Oct

Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.

― Sarah Dessen