Tag Archives: relationships

how do you know?

5 Mar

i was talking with a girlfriend the other day who is currently going through some problems in her marriage. and she asked me, how do you know it’s going to get better? she said that if she knew it was going to get better that she would do this a hundred million  times because she would know the outcome but, then she looked at me again and asked, how do you know? 

my first response was that you know you’re never going to have that answer and i stand by that because like her, i have asked myself that question a million times over. how do you know? how do you know that the choice you’re making or not making is going to effect your life in some way? and unfortunately, my answer is still the same, you won’t ever know.

it just so happen to be good timing when she asked me that it has been intersecting with my own personal life. i have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks or so. not the first guy i’ve seen since my breakup last year but, the first one that may actually be going somewhere seriously. he’s the only guy i’m seeing at the moment and yet, there are so many questions, fears, and feelings that are swirling around in my head at any given time. 

he’s a good guy. or at least that is what my instincts are telling me but, again, how do you know? after the hit I took this last year, how well do i really know about other people and what their intentions are all about or how well do i know about my own instinct? i feel like i really let myself down last year without listening to my instinct that may or may not have been screaming at me that the situation i was in wasn’t the best for me and now, my instincts might be telling me that this guy is a good guy and possibly worth taking a chance on but, i’m scared because…how do you know?

after you’ve been broken down a few times, i think your heart changes and the way you look at people and yourself changes. not to say that isn’t a good thing. i mean after you’ve been through some tough shit, you want to change even just for the very fact that you don’t want to be hurt that way again, but, can the change make you so afraid to make any decision at all? a part of me feels like i’m just waiting in limbo right now with this relationship and it’s very hard for me to even get excited about it. i’m so afraid that all the things i want just won’t happen and maybe not in this relationship or not at all. that’s why it’s very hard to even get my hopes up about anything at all.

i’m so afraid to get hurt again, i’m afraid to be disappointed or get lost in a situation that i shouldn’t be in. i’m afraid of putting myself into something, my whole self and not getting the same in return. i’m afraid, of well, i’m afraid of failing yet again. i feel like i’m getting too old to keep failing and failing so big. so, sometimes i find myself wanting to sabotage this relationship or myself. i know that isn’t the right thing but i feel like there is this part of me that is wanting to run scared. for so long now i have cultivated my independence once again and it’s something that i don’t want to lose or maybe it’s more about not wanting to lose my values, the ones that i’ve had for so long but haven’t ever really had met? i think that’s my biggest fear, is losing myself yet again for something or someone when i know it just isn’t the right thing.

so, now that i am faced with this particular situation i’m in which has brought me quite a bit of happiness back into my life, it ultimately has me wondering…how do you know? the only answer that seems appropriate…you don’t.

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is anything ever really casual anymore? and more so…am i ready for that?

26 Nov

so, this weekend i may have indulged in the case of the “casuals” if you know what i mean. and it’s still something i’m a bit unsure of if it’s for me or not. i think in the end i know that it’s not because i want more but, i think finding myself in this situation also helped me to realize that i’m also nowhere ready to be in another serious relationship yet. so, i definitely went a bit outside of my box this weekend when i met someone and engaged in some casual, well, again, you know that i mean. i won’t be crude and go into detail but oh man…i can say it was definitely worth it.

but, i got a healthy and i think much-needed dose of reality when this said person and i had a frank discussion about what exactly was going to happen next. this person who by the way was very adult and hopefully genuine about his response that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, was wanting to be selfish and have time to himself and was about to dive head-first into a long-held career goal. and it’s funny too that i had been reading the great book called he’s just not that into you. and in this case, i think i would probably fall under that category and that’s fine. and it’s not as if it was that simple either, or maybe it was. this person had some real genuine life concerns that were happening and i understand that and maybe under different circumstances, things might be different.

i know, i know, i sound naive, right? that i was taken advantage of and that he’s giving me the old heeve-ho while trying to be nice? i don’t think so, and even so, it still leaves me where i’m at and that is that i agree with this guy, i too am not ready for anything serious. and the way i found that out was by doing what i’ve done a lot when getting out (or shoved out) of a not-so-great relationship, and that is to seek my happiness from yet another person. and i found myself doing that again in this situation. just by pondering, letting myself daydream a little about what it would look like to be in a relationship with this oh so fine gentleman (whoa ladies, if you saw this man, my goodness! he is quite the looker!) without really giving it a hard look of truth that hello, you just met the man and you met him under interesting circumstances which you never indulge in and hello, did i mention that i just met this person?

and i had a few moments of honesty with myself, whether it was talking to myself or talking with some great friends about it. that it was indeed coming from a place of loneliness and uncertainty, two places that well, SUCK. but, i could recognize that that is where i was operating from and that’s not the healthiest place to want to start anything with. i know it isn’t. i want to start something knowing i’m ready, knowing that i feel good about myself, i feel that i know what i’m worth and that i truly know that i won’t settle for anything less than what i really want. i have spent so much time counseling my girlfriends about being true to what they want and that they don’t necessarily have to mold that into what they want in hopes of finding a partner or love or whatever. and i know i too need to heed the same advice, right?

so, i thought i might be able to do this whole casual thing after having a conversation with this fine fella. he said he wanted to be able to hang out and indulge in what we had indulged in before (no details, sorry) but that he didn’t want things to escalate. and i asked him if that was him trying to watch out for me, for me not to get too attached or for him and he replied, that it was a mutual thing. for the both of us not to start to get attached, especially with the way he was feeling about certain things in his life and i told him he didn’t have to worry about me. but, as soon as i said that and i think i had also said that if anybody were to get attached, he didn’t have to worry about it being him because like i said he sounded pretty set in what he wanted for his current life or at the least the ability to find out what exactly he wanted, it would be me. and i knew i was right in saying that because it was true. i would most likely be the one to get attached, to start have feelings and what not because that’s who i am. i’ve never once stopped believing in the grand idea or allure of love, i’m just not sure if it believes in me at this moment.

but, having said that aloud to this person and to myself, i realize that it’s a good thing that i was met with his honesty which helped to really put me in my place of my own truth. and the truth is that no matter how good this weekend felt and oh man, did it feel good and it was what i really needed and wanted, i know that in the end i’m always going to be that girl who wants more and that’s okay with me. and i have to be okay with knowing that it isn’t always going to be with the person that pays you some attention, or the opportunity that looks like an opportunity because it isn’t always that. sure, this was an opportunity, and sure this guy is probably one fantastic catch but, he won’t be either for me and i’ve just got to be okay with it and i think i am.

you know, so many months ago i would be hounding myself day after day about what it is about me that didn’t make this guy just want to jump full head on into serious territory and what was it about who i was that just wasn’t making this opportunity go in the way that i wanted and all that self-flagellating bullshit. because that is exactly what it is, it’s bullshit. it’s not truth. there is nothing about me that makes this guy want to keep on with his own life plan and that is just doesn’t necessarily align with my own. there isn’t anything about me that is somehow wrong,i just just don’t fit with this guy at this time. and i think i’m finally okay with accepting that. that we are all in our own place in our life and sometimes when you meet people, you just meet them and that’s it. you have a moment and then the moment passes, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

because in this one moment that i had with this guy, it showed me a lot. taught me a lot. made me feel a lot. for one, i felt desired and i feel like it’s been such a long time to have felt that way, to have seen myself through someone else and that felt pretty damn good. and two, it taught me a lot about where i was in my own growth and that i’m doing just that, growing. and it’s a kind of growing that i wouldn’t have been able to do before either had i remained in the situation i was in. it also showed me about being adult and how honesty isn’t something that is dead. it was nice to finally meet someone who was in my age group and didn’t think that honesty was overrated when confronted with it. i mean, this guy could have very well told me a bunch of crap that would have led me to think we were going to be something, we would be embarking on some beautiful adventure with each other, and bla bla bla. sure, he may have let me down gently but, he still let me down. that’s the point. and that’s what i needed. i don’t need to be fed anymore bullshit by these verbal pleasers, i need someone who is going to be adult enough to tell me exactly where they are in their own life even if it means that it’s not the popular thing to say or if it’s going to be received lightly or at all, or that if it is the same as where you are in your own life.

needless to say, to hear all that he had to say was incredibly refreshing. and it made me feel like that there really was life beyond such horrid heartbreak, heartache, and just an achy feeling in general. for at least the past few days, i was able to think about something other than the last 6 months and of course, with a night like the one i had, how could i not? but, it showed me that i was able to have a night like the one i did because months ago i found it hard to get myself out of my bed. i’m not condoning my behavior in anyway because it was beyond me, it was everything unlike who i am and obviously some certain liquids help me feel a wee bit braver to make the decision i did but, in the end, it was my decision and i have no regrets.

i’ve been fighting myself for a very long time now. fighting against acceptance and forgiveness and letting go. i mean those three things i think about and talk about with myself all of the time and i’m not sure if i’ve done any of them but, i think i’m learning to. i think it’s these small steps i’m taking for myself that are allowing me to inch that much closer to each one of these things that are vital for all of our survivals.

so, all in all, this weekend was revolutionary in many ways. sure, i would have liked to come to some of these epiphanies in a different way but, this was my way maybe. i didn’t get exactly what i wanted but again, i’m not even sure what exactly that is. this guy told me he was in a transition time in his life, soul searching he called it. yeah yeah, don’t roll your eyes just yet but, i couldn’t have agreed more. i mean, i’ve never been in a more transition time of my life, i’ve never been in a place where i too have been looking for my soul and the ways to heal it. so, in the end we weren’t so different after all, just in different places in our different lives.  and i’m glad to say that the more i experience, the more i allow myself to experience, and the more i’m coming from an honest place. and that’s the only place i want to be.

confidence earned, confidence gained.

31 Oct

i have never been a person of confidence. i’m not even quite sure i know what the word really means but, it is something i have been desperately trying to gain the last months of my life. because i know it’s something i need that’ll help me survive this thing called life. and as you know, i’ve taken quite a few knock-downs in life that have slowly chipped away at that non-existent thing called confidence. i wish i could say i grew up in a household where it was something that was taught or that was easily picked up on but, i didn’t and i think that’s had a lifelong impact on me but, like many other things, it is something i want to change. 

last weekend i went out with my girlfriends and i decided to wear an old black dress i had had for over three years. and in some ways, it made me feel good. there was nothing special about it, it’s just a black dress but, it did it’s job by making me feel good. but, i don’t think it was really the dress, for some reason, i just felt good. maybe it was being out on the town and maybe it was being with good girlfriends or maybe it was just me. but, for some reason that saturday night i felt confident in just being in my own skin and maybe it worked for me. i received several compliments that night from people i had never met before that i was beautiful or that i looked good. so, to say the least, it gave me a small confidence boost. 

a lot has changed in my life the last five months as has my physical appearance. i’ve lost more than 30 pounds and i’ve been getting more tone by hitting the gym when possible. the running i took up about three months ago has greatly helped me in this area and i am grateful that i have kept up with it. i don’t think i’ve ever felt better about myself physically in a very long time. but, that’s just one piece of it. what you look like on the outside is simply just that, the outside. what i’m interested in is working on exists on the inside and i’m hoping it’ll find its way out towards the outside.

i was watching a show the other day and a woman said that confidence goes with any outfit and i really liked that and i felt like she was right. again it doesn’t matter what you really wear or look like on the outside if what’s on the inside is nothing. or at least doesn’t do the outside justice. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve gone out and looked at other woman around me in such admiration for just oozing confidence because truth be told, it’s something you can actually see. and i’m not talking about being over-confident, stuck-up or any of that nonsense but just good ole’ fashioned confidence as if it was as easy to put on as it was that red lipstick they had on their lips. i want to be those women and i hope i’m slowly making my way towards them.

it feels good to get validation from others that take notice in your change and your motivation to trying new things but the only real validation i’m trying to care about is my own. i want to try to keep on nurturing myself and allowing myself to heal. months ago my therapist told me that this was as time about how i can be good to myself, about what it means to heal and what i can do to take care of myself. i didn’t really know the answers then and i’m not in any way saying i know now either, at least not any definitive answers. i’ve learned that to be good to myself is to listen to myself (and sometimes not listen to myself). i’ve learned that to listen to myself is to listen to my body. when it’s tired, give it a rest. when it wants to do something, let it do it without so much judgment or hesitation. and listening to myself was also about listening to and owning my truth. the truth can be a double-edge sword but it’s the thing that sets you free, it’s the thing that allows you to move forward, and hopefully, allow yourself to find yourself.

i’ve also been testing this new “confidence” by allowing myself to do things that i might not have done before. and that is to not just jump into certain kinds of relationships with people all that once. cause i’ve always been the “all in” girl and maybe i always will be but, i’m learning to taper that. i’m learning to see certain situations for what they are and not trying to give it the good ole push from myself. to just let certain things be as they are and if they develop into something else, then let that be too. sometimes i want to live so far ahead into the future that i forget its the effort we put into the now that makes the future what it is so i’m trying not to forget that little tid bit. it’ll save me later, i know this much.

sometimes, i’m my own worst enemy and i do things just in spite of myself. this much i know. and i’m trying not to do that as much anymore. i’ve been learning so much about different kinds of relationships we have whether they be with friends, significant others, family, etc. and that they aren’t always what we want them to be whether it be circumstance, time, differences, and what have you. and i’ve learned that that’s just okay. people, time, circumstances are just going to be and it’s our job to let them be as they are. but, it’s also our job to discover just what we should have, what we want to have, and what we are willing to work towards to have. 

so, to end this blog i will say that i am willing to work towards this continued want of confidence in my life and i hope it’ll allow me to grow as a person and challenge myself in all avenues of my life. as always, a work in progress.