Tag Archives: reflection

let the light in.

23 Oct

Let The Light In

 

Found myself in the dark

On the floor spread out thin

Dark and dank

The curtains are drawn

The light doesn’t exist

Not in this place

 

The floor is cold

Hard and unmovable

I try to crush it with my fist

It doesn’t move

I collapse

The hurt keeping me down

The curtains are still drawn

Where is the light?

 

I begin to move

My body stirs

Feeling light and unlike myself

But somehow one foot moves in front of the other

I’m shaking cold and naked

The ground beneath stands still

But I’m moving

 

My eyes sting

Burning and rimmed with red

Blinking hard and confused

Because in the distance I can see it

There is a crack between what was and what will never be

 

My breath is heavy

My chest is panting

And my heart is racing

I reach up towards the sky

My hands shaking

 

Then in the quiet

I exhale

The curtains open

And there is the light

 

My eyes no longer hurt

My body is no longer shaking

And I feel the warmth of what is

And all that will be

The light is here

It exists in this one place

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when i look back at you and me.

21 Oct

i was talking to a girlfriend earlier tonight and she herself is going through a little bit of a heartbreak that is pretty fresh and i could definitely relate to that too. i remember that all too well like it happened yesterday but it didn’t. and that makes me think about all of these months that have passed and what that “fresh” feeling once felt like. it’s something you never forget. anyone who has ever gone through an honest to god heartbreak can attest to that, right? it’s one of if not thee most real feelings you’ll ever feel in your life.

anyway, she and i were talking about the endless questions we all pose ourselves about why it happened, why didn’t it work out, what was it about me, etc. and the list goes on. it seemed all too familiar. and i felt highly unqualified to be talking to her about what exactly she should or shouldn’t be doing to help herself get through this stage because i am probably thee worst person to be talking to be this. i said it myself and i will say it again that i did everything and anything to cut off the healing to myself and it’s really only been the last couple of months when i’ve really started to allow myself to heal. but, still, i wanted to be a friend and tell her about my own process to cope.

it’s not the same for everyone and we all have to do what we have to do to get us through the pain and that is something i felt like i was qualified to tell her to do. and to not let herself get too run over by thoughts about all the things that we cannot change, and all the questions that simply don’t have answers. if i could have done that sooner, i most certainly would have. but, i understand that it’s just in our nature to do that to ourselves. shit, i mean i still do that. it’s hard not to but, it’s just too damn easy to do it to yourself and it’s not productive in anyway.

talking to her made me reflect so much about my experience and it’s a humbling thing to think about. it really is. i think about what i’ve gone through to get to this place in my life and all the truly gut-wrenching, chest-tightening, hard-to-breathe pain that i have allowed myself to feel for so many months. don’t get me wrong when i say that i don’t still have those days when it just all around sucks but, i can noticeably know the difference now between having a good day and obviously not and it’s because i’m finally allowing myself to. i’m actively allowing myself to know my truth and the truth of my experience and my situation and know just how powerful that truly is. and that’s something that also can’t be taken away.

i was talking to my oldest sister today after having not talked in a while. during the midst of my deepest pain, it was best for her and i to give each other a break because we truly saw my situation in two totally different ways and i just had to let myself deal with my own grief and pain in the way that i had to and it was best that for a time, she wasn’t a part of that. when we resumed talking today, it was great. it was better than great. it was like it always was and i know that i can count on that and more than anything, i need that in my life. things and people to count on.

she told me something that really resonated with me. she said although during our struggles we must think about our pain so that we don’t forget and that we learn from it, we have to also not let it cloud out the good. because the good is what gets us through, makes us continue to believe in all that is good. and she was right. on the other side of this struggle, even within this struggle there is so much good and that is also truth. i would not have been able to get to this place right now to even sit here and write any of this if there wasn’t some good in my life and that i still believed in that. it has been by the grace of those who love me and that i love that has allowed me to keep going, to not give up and to honor just who i am and all i’m about to be.

it has also been by the grace of belief that has gotten me through this as well. to continue to have the ability to believe that for one, i am capable of making it through my struggles and that what’s waiting for me on the other side may very well be so much better than i ever thought whatever i had before was and could be.

so, tonight, i’ve had much reflection about you and me. this is the first time i’ve addressed you directly in any of my blogs or writing and i know you’re not reading this, and that’s okay. but i will talk to you as though you are. although i know where you are in the world, i hardly know who you are anymore or who you truly ever were. and somehow, i’ve got to be okay with that. i told my friend tonight that she had to just let this person (her recent heartbreak) just be who he is at this time and that it didn’t have a reflection of who she was. and that too is something i have to accept and i think day by day, i am doing just that.

i’ve thought so many times about you and me. i still do everyday. and i think about what you’re doing, if you’re happy, how you’ve moved on, and how you live. and everyday is a battle between really hating you for all that you did, and just letting myself be with all that happened and happens. it’s a constant struggle and i think it’s supposed to be that way because if not, how would i learn? how would i know what i’m supposed to know when this is all said and done?

but, mostly i think everyday i’m inching that much closer to letting you go, letting go of all the things that i wished for you and i. and letting you be just where you are knowing that that is how it is supposed to be. and i hope that everyday brings me closer to the kind of peace i’m looking for when i look back at you and me. because one day, i’d like to look back and think that there was a small time in our lives when you and i sat across from one another in a car and we didn’t have to say anything. you just smiled at me and i couldn’t look away because i thought that there was nothing that was ever going to be better than this moment, right here, right then when i looked at you and me.

when i look back at you and me, i want to look back knowing that there was every reason for you to be in my life and every reason for you to leave the way you did so that one day, someday, i will look across at someone sitting next to me, without having to say a word, knowing without a doubt that this is where i’m supposed to be, and who i’m meant for. and that it’s okay that it’s not ever going to be you.

so, like i said earlier, tonight i let myself think about you and i’m sure i will tomorrow and the next day. but, i know one day, and one day soon, it won’t be that way. you will be just a memory of a time in my life where i came to terms with who i am and all that i am truly capable of. and i know i’m made for so many things in this life, and one of them is living without you because that’s what i’m doing and that’s what i will keep doing. and tonight, i’m okay with that.

side note: i’ve included the lyrics to a song by katy perry which has not only inspired this blog tonight but really captures much of my experience thus far. it’s beautiful song indeed.

By The Grace Of God

Katy Perry

I was 27 was surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymoreBy the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
Oh there is no more mourning over
Can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
Oh, that way, that way, no
Not in the name
In the name of love
That way, that way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way

what are you willing to let go of?

8 Oct

i thought i would follow suit in talking about what had been discussed in the quote i posted earlier. at the end of the quote, the question asked was, “what is it that you would let go of today?” i think it’s a rather simple question but has a very complicated answer. because i have been asking myself the same question all summer and now it’s fall (as you can very well tell outside, its a shit storm of rain/lightening/thunder) and i’m still asking the same question and i don’t know if i really have answers either.

i say that because i’m not quite sure what i’m willing to let go of. actually, that’s not the right answer. i know what i’m willing to let go of, i just don’t think i’ve done it yet and i’m not quite sure how to do it either. okay, well maybe that’s not the right answer either. i think the right answer is that to let go of something you just well, let go of it. ah so simple, right? so simple that it barely even bears repeating again but, i’m sure i will. because if anyone has ever let go of something, attempted to do so, thought about it, twisted and turned about it at night or in the daytime or pretty much anytime they were breathing, than you know that it isn’t just a matter of letting it go because folks if it was that easy, goddamn we’d all be feeling much lighter than we do (or at least i would).

we all have things we want to let go of and maybe some of us have. i’m not sure if i’ve ever really been a person who has done that. actually, i know i’m not. not that i am a resentful person or hold things against others (i mostly hold it against myself) but, i don’t think i have ever learned the art of letting go. and lemme tell you, it’s definitely an art form at which i am a complete virgin at. 

in my introduction the other day, i was talking about being in a transitional phase of my life, also deemed “suck” which i still fully stand by but, it isn’t just a transitional phase in the sense that dare i say it, being unemployed, graduated from college and quite unsure of prospects ahead of me, but it’s a transitional phase in the sense that i feel like i am finally trying to grow into who i’m going to be. and i think the person i want to be is a person who feels lighter, who isn’t carrying around a bunch of old demons who do nothing but set up meetings in my head to discuss just how much continued damage they can do all while living it up and dancing and partying throughout other parts of my being as well. they’re very active these demons, let’s just say that.

so, in this “suck” phase, i’m learning or trying to for the life of me, on how to let go of the things that just aren’t good for me, give me nothing but attitude and pain, and most of all are the things that i cannot change. if you know me and again, i hope you will get to know me better through this blog, that i am a person of control. i like to know what i’m doing, where i’m going and how i’m going to get there. i like to have a plan, i like to make plans. 

so, as you might have guessed that being suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) thrust into a place where maps and plans are for losers, and living day-by-day, and being present and in the now are what’s in…well…i’m not quite sure how well that’s working out for me. i mean here i am babbling on and on about just how not right it feels. it gives me incredible anxiety to just tell you how not right it feels, or to type the words, not right. 

yet, i think this is what people might tell me that this is what i need. a good ass-kicking for being someone who is so goddamn in control all of the time. the other day i was thinking how i’ve lived my life most of the time. and i’ve lived a lot of it in the sense that i have done many things because i didn’t want to be like certain people. if i saw someone doing something, i would think, “okay, that’s not what i want to do” and i would do something completely opposite but, how is that really any way to live? doing things only because you didn’t want to end up like someone else? well, it got me here, at this existential crisis of my life. i think back to those certain people whom i never wanted to be like and i realize just how alike we really are and how we ended up at the same crossroads at one point of our lives. and now when i look at them, i admire them. i admire them for being that kind of person. for rebelling, for acting out, for screaming their fucking heads off when something bothered them, for raging, and for mostly, being so brave by just being true to themselves.

that’s what i’m learning now. i’m learning that man, i’ve got some true demons and they are requiring my attention almost 24/7 and they are not going to let up until i give them that attention. until i allow myself to be that person i should have always been but never allowed myself to be. to scream out loud when i was in pain, to tell someone close to me that they’ve disappointed me, to not be so goddamn afraid to not have a plan (this one still bothers me), to be so raw on the inside and out that it’s almost unbearable, to act out and be a less-than-put-together person, to chase my tail, and to really dig so deep inside of myself that i’m unsure of when or where i’m going to find the light. 

so, i ask myself again what am i willing to let go, even just for today? i’m willing to let go of the idea that if i don’t at least attempt to learn how to move on, to give the required attention to what’s bubbling beneath this surface, than i’m not going to survive. i guess that means first things first…get moving.