Tag Archives: present

sometimes the universe really does remember that you exist.

13 Jan

I’ll tell you something about tough times. They just about kill you, but if you decide to keep working at them, you’ll find your way through.”- Joan Bauer

This quote could not be more truer for me than it was today. For months and months I have been taking myself to the emotional brink of a certain event that happened this past year. I’ve struggled with the decisions, choices and a whole helluva lot of “what ifs” to the point of nausea. I mean, y’all have heard me whining about this shit for so long now but, somehow today, something happened so unexpectedly that I think it’s really brought me full circle with this situation and truly given me incentive to move on. This is how the story went…

So, I’ve never been a person who goes on dating sites. And when I say never, I mean not once in all of my 27 years have I done so. But, at the insistence of some family and friends, I thought I’d finally give it a try. I mean it’s a new year, why not, right? So, I’m setting up my profile on one of these websites and I’m not really taking it all that seriously but, as I am entering in what I’m looking for, somehow, as I’m writing it down, it’s like a lightbulb came on that said, yeah, this is really what you want and need. And everything up until now with anyone else has never given you that, not even close. And there I thought, it’s finally okay to feel like this is what I’m looking for and this is what I deserve and I don’t want to settle for anything else. Or at least compromise myself like I have over and over and over again. 

Anyway, so I’m done with my profile and get some hits and what not. Find some interesting people, some cute guys and some not so interesting folks. It was all very…well…let’s just say, interesting and enlightening. So, that was night one. Pretty harmless, right? So, today I go and check on this site to see what was up, almost like checking your email, as easy as that and I decide to check out, my matches. I’m thinking that matches means people that you are best matched with based on your likes but, apparently it meant it your matches based on your geographical location which I suppose makes sense in the grand scheme of things assuming that at one point if you find someone you are interested on one of these things, you’d want to eventually meet them.

anyway, so i’m looking at my matches and lo and behold, of all the places that I didn’t think I’d EVER see this person again is my ex-finance (you know, the one I’ve been heartsick about these last however many months) and the one that you know, got MARRIED about 4 months ago and is STILL MARRIED. so, immediately, I’m like WTF (after almost falling off my bed entirely). I’m thinking of all the places you’d be on in the social media world, why in the hell are you on here? I mean i have been plagued by months on end on social media outlets such as facebook and instagram with the temptation to see his new life and for the most part I have given in except the past couple of months so I thought I finally found the one place that I’d be free from you. I GUESS NOT. did I mention before…WTF?!?!?!?!!?

so, his profile on this dating website is under some different alias, and says he still lives in the town that I do which he does not and hasn’t for months now. oh and the other fact…YOU’RE MARRIED! and i feel like i would have given him more credit had he not filled anything out and just put his pictures up but this guy had the audacity to fill out his interests and what he’s looking for. YOU’RE MARRIED! did i mention that?!?

but, of course i’ve got to give this guy the benefit of the doubt which i cannot think why at all but i’m thinking okay, well maybe the marriage didn’t work or whatever the case may be…NOPE. still married. so, after I got over my initial shock and i was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, i gave my sister and one of biggest supporters a ring and we had a long chat about it. and she told me that i just have to realize that this is truly where i’m supposed to be, that that could have been me, would have been me had i decided to uproot my life and marry this guy and follow him to where he’s at now. and that i was so jealous of this person he was with, wanting to be her when it was a known fact that how he treated me was awful enough and that he wasn’t going to change. see, this is how i saw it. i thought, well he got married. that’s a big decision, right? maybe one of the biggest you’ll ever make in your life and you wouldn’t make it unless you were ready or just knew. so, i got that into my head. got it into my head that somehow there was something so much better about this person he had chosen to marry, that she had something i was lacking so very much. and that he had changed and was ready to commit and was being responsible. 

and who knows, maybe there is some truth to that but, not enough i don’t think. nothings changed. at least not for him. he is truly that guy who is who he is right now and i don’t know how long he’ll be that way but he is indeed that person. and seeing pictures of him and his wife and their new life has always made me so incredibly sad and jealous and angry at times but when i saw it today, i felt so different. okay, okay, i can admit that i did gloat a little, but only very little. because most of me felt an incredible sadness for her and for me and for him. because i was once that girl, we’ve all been, right? i was that girl who was just willing to settle for whatever came her way. i was going to take that life and make it my own when i knew i deserved so so much more. and when i was putting down my own preferences on my profile for what i wanted, i came to the HUGE realization that no person I’ve ever been with has ever come close to giving me any of the things I really wanted and needed. and especially not him.

and so i feel sad for him in the sense that there is still something in me that wants to believe that people are good and want to change. i want to believe that he can be the person i’ve always wanted him to be, can see him being. i just wish he wanted that as much as i do for him but i’ve heard it a million times and i will say it now, that some things never change. but, after seeing this and experiencing this today, i knew just how much i’ve changed. how much this pain has transformed me and how much growth i’ve really had this last year and still continue to have. it was quite profound for me. 

it made me feel like that every single thing i’ve been there, all of the tears, fights, struggles, changes, sleepless nights, hopelessness and a whole plethora of feelings has brought me to the place that i need to be and that’s here. i needed to be here in my hometown and in my home with my family and my friends surrounding me with their constant love and support. i needed to be in a familiar place that would bring me back to a place where i knew who i was, and what i was capable of. i needed to be in the ugliest of situations to show me just how strong i can, how much i can overcome, and who i really was beneath the rubble. 

i don’t know if today’s experience was the universe throwing me a bone or just shedding some light on me to tell me that it’s okay to be where i’m at, even if it wasn’t where i originally thought i was going to be or even if i feel like at times that i’m a million miles away from my dreams. i think it showed me a glimpse of the life i could have had and all the things i could have and would have lost had i decided to go down that path. life is just so fucking hilarious at times when it’s not beating you to the pulp. so, tonight, i feel like i’m going to go to sleep knowing that all the pain i’ve endured and put myself through wasn’t in vain and that i’m just getting started. 

about time.

16 Nov

the other day i caught an afternoon movie which was about time and it was aptly named, about time. it starred rachel mcadams who if you’ve been sitting beneath a rock gained her rise from fame from a little film called the notebook. anyway, it’s besides the point who is in the film. i just had to give her a shout-out cause i have a huge lady crush on her. 

so the film is all about time and how we use it and what we would do with it if we had the chance to go back and relive certain moments in our lives. and that is what the main character is faced with. he has the ability to do just that, go back in time to redo certain moments in just his life. he decides to go back into the past to change certain things but with inevitability, it changes things to the point where it’s undone the things that he wants. his goal is to get a girlfriend and that is when he meets the lovely mcadams. yet, when he tries to change certain things, it changes meeting her altogether. 

his dad says that when he decides to change certain things, he needs to change the things that will somehow make his life better. and that he does. he gets the girl and quite a lovely life with her, marriage, children, love and all. it was an incredibly sweet concept and executed very well or at least that is what i thought. and of course, it got me thinking or i wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. 

it got me thinking about time and the ability to change certain things and if i had the chance, would i? what would i we each give to change the things that have either brought us immense pain, or even pleasure, would we do it again or alter it in some way? and the film also got me thinking about how effectively am i using my current time. how much of me is being present and how much of me is still living in the past? 

to answer my first set of questions, would i go back and change certain things? oh God yes. yes, yes, and a thousand times yes. but, just like in the film, it has made me think that if i were to do that, how much would other things change? how much would i change and would i not have the opportunity to have learned as much as i have and experienced what i have? even with the pain, the immense pain, and the truly heartbreaking pain, it’s all growth, right? i mean i’m like anybody else who doesn’t really want to feel pain. it’s like seeing something on a menu and you think, eek, i don’t think that would taste very good, not sure how my stomach could handle that. i think that’s how we all look at pain. it’s not something we would actively swallow but it’s like that one time that you decide to step outside of your box, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to experience something new which just may include pain. 

so, although i would love to go back and change certain things just to avoid feeling the pain that i have, i know it wouldn’t do me any good. i wouldn’t be able to recognize growth, accept and welcome growth and live growth as i am right now. and in the long run, that’s what i want, that’s what i need. i think that’s what all people should want.

it’s funny to think about all the things we do and don’t do that decide what path we are going to go down. all the things that we accept and avoid lead to our experiences and it’s the result of those experience that make up how we see ourselves, our reactions, our motives, and pretty much everything else in-between. so, it makes me think about all my choices, and all the paths it has lead me down. i feel like every experience leads me down a new path, or maybe it is just one very long path with many detours and exits and on-ramps.

and i’m speaking to my current experience as well and how effectively i am using my current time. i know i could be using it more effectively in the sense where i am just focused on myself. i am learning that day-by-day and it’s a hard lesson. it shouldn’t be but it is because there is still some of me living in the past. thinking about all the things that have happened and the things that cannot be changed and maybe what i’d like to change. but, what would that really change? nothing, right? i mean it’s happened. it’s all about the coulda, woulda and shoulda. but that’s now and not then. so, what can i do to be more effective with my current time? what can i do to make my life better, right now, right in this moment, right in this present time? 

i think that is probably the simplest answer that anyone could answer and it’s in two parts: focus on myself and focus on myself in the present. be here right now, just in this moment, and in every moment from now on. and it’s not going to be easy because i am a person who lives her life very much by the things she regrets and wishes she could do different but, that is all apart of this growth, is it not? i need to learn to grow out of such things, and learn to accept them. it’s an old adage that we cannot change the things that have already happened and the only thing now in my control is what i do from here on out, that is what really matters. 

the past is exactly that, the past. something that has already occurred.and the present is where it’s all happening, and it’s not marred by the past either and that is another thing i need to accept. the past has made me strong, has allowed me to learn and continue on in spite of it. it doesn’t have to deter me into wayward thinking or that it influences who i’m going to be. one day, i hope to come to that acceptance and many more things. 

until then, it’s all about time…

come sit by me past…if you must.

3 Nov

there are more days now that i feel better than i have in a long time. that i can reflect on what i’ve been through and take a real account of what i’ve learned, what i’ve changed, how much i’ve grown, and where i want to go. yet, i still have the days when the past has somewhat of a ninja grip on me and i don’t know if it sometimes has direct relation to what is going on in my present or the fears of my future.

recently i thought i might be able to partake in something “casual” i suppose i will call it but, then it came to my attention that maybe i just couldn’t. i don’t know if i’m the kind of girl that is cut out for “casual”. because in the long run i know that i am someone who is looking for that true love and engaging in something casual just doesn’t seem like it fits into that category. and to say that i came about this decision on my own is well, it’s not the untruth but, it came about because this whole casual thing just sort of fell apart rather quickly because i guess said person just lost interest in continuing with this whole casual thing. i mean a few days and no call?!? yeah, that’s losing interest, right?

so, usually i would be hurt and not to say that i’m not but, i thought to myself that i’ve got to look at this from a different angle or it’s going to eat me up. for the first day it sort of did but, i’m really surprised at myself just the turn around i’ve had about the situation which is the quickest revelation i think i’ve ever had with something like this. sure, i had those penetrating thoughts about what happened, what did i do, what is he thinking, etc., etc., etc. and then i thought to myself and very loudly…WHO CARES?!? i mean, really, who does?!?

it’s not me. i’m not going to blame myself for one engaging in something that might have proven to be fun and for a very short time, it sort of was. and i wasn’t going to blame myself for someone else deciding something about me or the situation without proper communication or with judgment of their own. that’s not up to me and i don’t have to take the blame for that. if we are to be honest with ourselves and be present as much as we can, i can say that we are just who we are at this time. this person is who he is and who he is is a person who can’t engage in this casual thing for one reason or another and it’s lead me to believe the same thing.

and it did much more for me too. it was a way for me to test myself. to see what boundaries i could draw and what lessons i could possibly learn about myself, and what i wanted and what i didn’t want. i know in the long run, i don’t want casual. i want commitment, i want longevity, i want someone who is going to go the distance.

so, i guess you could say that this situation had me thinking about the past and quite in depth today, maybe more so than usual. and i almost tripped on myself and made myself take twenty million steps backwards. those lingering questions of what happened there, what did i do, etc. etc. etc. made me want to revisit my past. made me want to find a particular person and see their newfound happiness as it has been a couple of months since i last did that. and it’s been a huge hurdle for me and a struggle at the same time.

i know that when or if people read this they will be thinking why is it such a struggle? what does looking at the past do for me now in the present? and they’re asking all the right questions and i’m never sure if i have the right answers. i would say it’s cause i’m curious, it’s cause i’m still hurting, and it’s cause i want to know if there is any validation to my own life. and i know what you’re going to say again, how does the past validate anything that is happening now? and especially with a situation like mine? my past is the LAST thing that could ever validate what is going on in my present right now.

and i know that is a piece of truth that i really need to hold onto very tightly or i’m not going to continue to make the progress that i feel like i have been making and wish to continue to make. i don’t want to yearn for the past just because my present is sort of up in the air as is my future. some might call that a blessing. to be in a position where i have many options and opportunities to take advantage of, to not have everything so mapped out, and to possibly have some adventure. my sister always says that i have the world at my feet and the world is my oyster. cliche i know but, she really believes what she says when it comes to my life. and i give her credit for believing in it so much, maybe even more so than me at times.

i can’t deny that i don’t know the answers to just how long it’s going to take me to really get over what once was and what won’t be. i mean it’s the sting of rejection, a life not lived, something passing you by, and the idea of unworthiness. it’s all those things for me, but if you were to ask someone, they’d probably tell you that i also wasn’t the best judge of how i should analyze my own past. and they might be right but for now, that is my most honest answer about just how long my past might exist in my present.

yet, i feel it little by little, inch by inch, slowly but surely making its way out. it has a place here i won’t lie because it’s almost a gage for me in some way, or a reminder so that i don’t forget the pain, i don’t forget what hardship means to me and so that i can see a little further ahead of it to know that there is indeed something ahead of it. so i want to keep my past here, but i don’t want to let it rule me. so everyday i am going to try my best. i am going to breathe, be grateful for what i do have, seek out the opportunities that i can have and never forget at my core who i am, where i’ve been and where i could go.