Tag Archives: moving on

this adulthood thing is hard. do they tell you that as a kid and we just don’t listen?

5 Feb

it’s been too long since i wrote on my blog. i really do need to be more consistent with this thing as i know it always helps and it’ll help to stop making me look like a crazy person, wandering the streets talking to myself (well, sort of). and so to write all the things that have happened in the last month, i’ve put my headphones in so i can concentrate on just this one task and let everything else fade away. it ist much-needed as i find myself a bit heavy with thoughts. 

so, the last time i wrote you guys was to inform you that i started online dating. it was interesting then and it still is. i mean seeing your ex-boyfriend who is currently married on a dating website, well let’s say it didn’t quite boost my confidence about joining this whole new world. but i tried to take my sister’s advice and stick to it. so, because of it, i have met some people. one of which i feel like i completely blew and the other, i’m questioning. 

the first guy i met was great. i actually still think he’s great and have affection for him but, i think i may have revealed a little too much too soon and he pretty much ran for the hills. well, we won’t say that exactly but, whatever happened, it made me rethink exactly what he wanted right now and what he was willing to give and for right now, he just isn’t sure. and because of that, it was best that we part ways. can’t say that i haven’t been beating myself up a little bit about the whole thing, feeling like i might have scared off a potentially good one but, there’s nothing i can really do. i don’t regret being honest about who i am, where i’m coming from and what i’m ultimately looking for.

although, according to my oldest sister, she did tell me some wise words of advice which may prove to be useful in the future. assuming i actually take it which let’s be honest, seems not often enough. she told me that although there is nothing wrong with being myself and that i want to be just myself, that in possibly revealing my cards too soon that i am missing out on the fun that dating can be apparently. that it’s not allowing me to let things develop naturally and organically as they should. she said i am a control freak (couldn’t really disagree with that) and being in the dating world is extra scary for me because it’s one of the least controlling environments that one can find themselves in and she’s right about that. 

so, it wasn’t as if she was talking out of her ass. she really wasn’t. she does know a two or thing about dating and three or four things about me if not more. she is my big sister after all. it’s not as if i have to not be myself when dating but, i guess i could learn to curb some more of my annoying habits right out of the gate but, you know, after today’s therapy session which honestly couldn’t have come at a better time, it was confirmed that a lot of dating faux pas lately have been due to well, you heard it here, being afraid. well, that was a no-brainer, wasn’t it? here i think that guys do things subconsciously when really, maybe i too am guilty of doing said things.

i want to just hurry up and establish what a relationship is and exactly how a person feels about me so that i know i won’t get hurt. it’s as if i know all of their intentions right up front and their plans and how they feel about me, i will be in the clear. i will be safe. but, you and i both know that that just isn’t true and that just isn’t life either. to think that we can somehow cleverly outrun old hurts and our past demons is for me to think that i can also drink fire and poop gold at the same time or at all. it just won’t happen. 

my therapist told me that because of my fear of getting hurt and somehow irrationally thinking that what i want in a partner, ask for in a partner/relationship will never be met, i find myself rushing to get anything but, or putting myself in situations where i can only get some needs met and not permanently. she told me that to want what i want isn’t irrational at all or even unrealistic. and because i also didn’t get certain needs met as a child with my mother, i always feel like i may not get those and how could i ever get them from a man if i couldn’t ever get them from my own mother. i guess i’d never really thought about it from that perspective which was surprising to my because i thought i had dissected my relationship with my mother until it could no longer be done. but, i guess not. 

so, that now leads me to where i’m currently at. i’m now seeing this other guy that i had met around the same time as the one that just flew the coop (yeah yeah that may not be the exact case but i like to be dramatic and embellish my temporary pain). we just had our second date the other night and it was great. we’ve always had a great rapport and get along very well and very easily. needless to say, i find myself wanting to know more about him and where this could possibly lead. he was very honest with me about where he is in his life. he’s very unsure if he wants to pursue anything serious at this time due to the conflicting nature of his job which will put him overseas in possibly in the next 5 to 9 months which his mind is made up that he will not carry on a long-distance relationship for the time he is gone because he won’t put anyone through that nor himself after having had a bad experience. i didn’t blame him nor could i change his mind and i’m not supposed to. that’s not my job.

so, in a way no matter where this “relationship” goes, it may very well go to splitsville because of his wants and the only job i have is to decide what i want. is that something i can live with? can i just do something fun and enjoyable for now without expectations? and i don’t know. this is the thing about me, i live very much in the black and white. and we all know that life is hardly anything but. it’s mostly in the gray or the other colors in-between. and i think so much about either being all in or all out but, am i missing out if i can’t put myself in the middle where some of life’s experiences are happening, and may very well be vital to me?

i told this person last night that i am interested in continuing to see him and going with the flow but, as i’ve thought more and more about it today, i’m not sure if that’s really what i want. but, i feel like i’m telling myself that i can’t have fun. that i can’t just live without putting so much pressure on myself and these experiences, thinking i can only get one resolution from it. i feel like if i go through with this then somehow i’m moving further away from what i really want but that’s the thing that my therapist said, that i can’t think that just because i allow myself fun, i allow myself the company of someone without expectation that somehow i’m not going to get my needs met, whether they be with this person or someone down the line.

i thought at the end of this blog, i might have my mind made up but, i don’t. i will just have to live with that. i don’t know if it’s about being present which i try to do at all times, or if it’s just knowing that what i want is okay to want and that i will get it. and that it’s okay to wade myself through this journey for it is just that, a journey. we shall see. 

it’s been a while.

23 Dec

it’s been seven months since we split and last night, you came to me in my dream. i didn’t expect to see you there, it’s been a while. only on rare occasions have i seen you there and for the most part, i’d rather not because i feel like i see you enough in my waking world with the memories that still surround me that when i close my eyes, i’d like some peace.but, the more i’m awake today, i feel like it’s okay that you were there.

i will tell you about my dream as if i am talking to you about it, like you were my friend which once upon a time, you were. so in my dream i had fallen in love with someone else which was surprising. not that i had fallen in love because, well, actually maybe that was surprising but i know that is what i want for myself again someday. but, i had fallen in love and it was with someone other than you yet, somehow you were still there. i mean literally there, right beside me and my new love. i don’t know if you two knew each other or what, but he seemed oblivious to your presence but, not me. you were talking (that country twang still so prevalent in your voice) and it was as if i was the only one to hear you. you were chatting us up but my new love wasn’t really paying attention but i was, it was like you were speaking directly to me.

then suddenly we were in some kind of underground room of some sort with metal picnic-like benches everywhere and we were still sitting on the ground just like before. i was in my partner’s lap and you were sitting on one of the benches with your wife. let’s just say she wasn’t as smart and incredibly loud in my dream which i’m assuming she isn’t like in real life (or so I hope) but you guys were happy and it felt…okay. it felt okay to watch from a distance your new life and mine as well. actually, i was living mine and it felt okay.

the next thing i know, i’m about to run a marathon. i felt prepared for it yet, when it came time to do it, i couldn’t really run. i was sluggish and falling behind. like my feet were stuck in concrete or something. i was running in a city and all the buildings around me were glass and above me, i could see you. you had just sat down in some cafeteria like place and i was drawn to you (just like i once was before so that didn’t surprise me). you were carrying around your military bag so i don’t know if you were going someplace or just coming back but either way, you were there and i had to see you. 

so i ran as fast as i could to where you were and when i got there, it was like everything had changed. you had changed. i had changed. our lives had changed. suddenly, you looked different, older. you were a grown man and i’d never seen you like that before. i felt like the only time i knew you was when you were a young spirit, a wild horse, someone unlike me at all. anyway, you were standing at some table and i approached you and you smiled at me. we still knew each other. or maybe we didn’t and you and i were just being friendly. but, you leaned in and kissed me on the forehead and when we pulled from one another, you just smiled. i don’t remember us saying anything but maybe say everything.

you were going to stay married, or you had continued to be married this whole time whether it was to the same person you’re married to now or not. but you had a whole life and so did i. i remember walking away feeling, i don’t know, just okay. like we had both grown into the people we had wanted to be. 

waking up, i felt extremely disturbed by this dream because you were in it. my heart was racing this morning and trying to go over it again and again. i know a part of it was because it felt bittersweet, like that was one of the only places i could see you because we have no contact, i don’t know how you live your life and i don’t know what kind of person you are right now so seeing you in a state like that really rattled me some.i think it was because again, you were once someone who meant so much to me and now you’re becoming but a memory, some good and some not. it felt like i was coming back to old memories of us and old feelings, the things that progressed our relationship in the first place.

i also think it rattled me because seeing you all grown up like that was surreal and to know that that was going to happen (if it does and I sincerely hope it does) without me. that our lives were going to go on as they were and without each other which i can freely admit at times is a hard pill to swallow but, just like in my dream and my waking life, i do know that that is okay and that is the very and only way it should be. don’t get me wrong, i’m still not a big believer in this whole “meant to be” business but, if this is how it is right now, then so be it because after all of these months all i’ve wanted to be was okay. i just wanted to find the strength to move on, i wanted to find the courage to discover who i was, and the ability to know that i can live the life that i want at my own standards and i feel like every day however hard a struggle it is, i am doing it and on my own terms finally. 

i have these days where i think back to you and me and all the things i wanted so badly and all the things i wish i could have done differently so that maybe you’d still be here but, quicker and quicker i’m shutting down those thoughts because i know that who i have become, the things that i have done in the time that you’ve been gone and the things that i so want to accomplish and will, i couldn’t have done those things had you still been in my life. however hard that is to think, and feel and say out loud but, it is the truth. sure, i’m not the exact person i want to be because that’s the thing about life, it’s all about growing but if i were still in the same situation i was when i was with you, i’d be so far from who i could be and that, well, that’s just not an option for me anymore. 

so, maybe this makes me sound pathetic and i’m sure some people will say it does because like i said, it’s been seven months now and i still have days where i think of you and i think of you and me. it’s bittersweet, painful, regretful, remorseful, confusing, complicated but…it is also okay. above all of those it is okay and that is something i know i couldn’t have said when this all started. i’m okay knowing that you’re okay and i’m okay knowing that i’m okay. and i don’t know about you but, i’m ready to start a new year and turn that okay into something more. 

so, if i don’t see you again whether it be in my dreams or elsewhere…happy new year to both you and me. 

come sit by me past…if you must.

3 Nov

there are more days now that i feel better than i have in a long time. that i can reflect on what i’ve been through and take a real account of what i’ve learned, what i’ve changed, how much i’ve grown, and where i want to go. yet, i still have the days when the past has somewhat of a ninja grip on me and i don’t know if it sometimes has direct relation to what is going on in my present or the fears of my future.

recently i thought i might be able to partake in something “casual” i suppose i will call it but, then it came to my attention that maybe i just couldn’t. i don’t know if i’m the kind of girl that is cut out for “casual”. because in the long run i know that i am someone who is looking for that true love and engaging in something casual just doesn’t seem like it fits into that category. and to say that i came about this decision on my own is well, it’s not the untruth but, it came about because this whole casual thing just sort of fell apart rather quickly because i guess said person just lost interest in continuing with this whole casual thing. i mean a few days and no call?!? yeah, that’s losing interest, right?

so, usually i would be hurt and not to say that i’m not but, i thought to myself that i’ve got to look at this from a different angle or it’s going to eat me up. for the first day it sort of did but, i’m really surprised at myself just the turn around i’ve had about the situation which is the quickest revelation i think i’ve ever had with something like this. sure, i had those penetrating thoughts about what happened, what did i do, what is he thinking, etc., etc., etc. and then i thought to myself and very loudly…WHO CARES?!? i mean, really, who does?!?

it’s not me. i’m not going to blame myself for one engaging in something that might have proven to be fun and for a very short time, it sort of was. and i wasn’t going to blame myself for someone else deciding something about me or the situation without proper communication or with judgment of their own. that’s not up to me and i don’t have to take the blame for that. if we are to be honest with ourselves and be present as much as we can, i can say that we are just who we are at this time. this person is who he is and who he is is a person who can’t engage in this casual thing for one reason or another and it’s lead me to believe the same thing.

and it did much more for me too. it was a way for me to test myself. to see what boundaries i could draw and what lessons i could possibly learn about myself, and what i wanted and what i didn’t want. i know in the long run, i don’t want casual. i want commitment, i want longevity, i want someone who is going to go the distance.

so, i guess you could say that this situation had me thinking about the past and quite in depth today, maybe more so than usual. and i almost tripped on myself and made myself take twenty million steps backwards. those lingering questions of what happened there, what did i do, etc. etc. etc. made me want to revisit my past. made me want to find a particular person and see their newfound happiness as it has been a couple of months since i last did that. and it’s been a huge hurdle for me and a struggle at the same time.

i know that when or if people read this they will be thinking why is it such a struggle? what does looking at the past do for me now in the present? and they’re asking all the right questions and i’m never sure if i have the right answers. i would say it’s cause i’m curious, it’s cause i’m still hurting, and it’s cause i want to know if there is any validation to my own life. and i know what you’re going to say again, how does the past validate anything that is happening now? and especially with a situation like mine? my past is the LAST thing that could ever validate what is going on in my present right now.

and i know that is a piece of truth that i really need to hold onto very tightly or i’m not going to continue to make the progress that i feel like i have been making and wish to continue to make. i don’t want to yearn for the past just because my present is sort of up in the air as is my future. some might call that a blessing. to be in a position where i have many options and opportunities to take advantage of, to not have everything so mapped out, and to possibly have some adventure. my sister always says that i have the world at my feet and the world is my oyster. cliche i know but, she really believes what she says when it comes to my life. and i give her credit for believing in it so much, maybe even more so than me at times.

i can’t deny that i don’t know the answers to just how long it’s going to take me to really get over what once was and what won’t be. i mean it’s the sting of rejection, a life not lived, something passing you by, and the idea of unworthiness. it’s all those things for me, but if you were to ask someone, they’d probably tell you that i also wasn’t the best judge of how i should analyze my own past. and they might be right but for now, that is my most honest answer about just how long my past might exist in my present.

yet, i feel it little by little, inch by inch, slowly but surely making its way out. it has a place here i won’t lie because it’s almost a gage for me in some way, or a reminder so that i don’t forget the pain, i don’t forget what hardship means to me and so that i can see a little further ahead of it to know that there is indeed something ahead of it. so i want to keep my past here, but i don’t want to let it rule me. so everyday i am going to try my best. i am going to breathe, be grateful for what i do have, seek out the opportunities that i can have and never forget at my core who i am, where i’ve been and where i could go.

what are you willing to let go of?

8 Oct

i thought i would follow suit in talking about what had been discussed in the quote i posted earlier. at the end of the quote, the question asked was, “what is it that you would let go of today?” i think it’s a rather simple question but has a very complicated answer. because i have been asking myself the same question all summer and now it’s fall (as you can very well tell outside, its a shit storm of rain/lightening/thunder) and i’m still asking the same question and i don’t know if i really have answers either.

i say that because i’m not quite sure what i’m willing to let go of. actually, that’s not the right answer. i know what i’m willing to let go of, i just don’t think i’ve done it yet and i’m not quite sure how to do it either. okay, well maybe that’s not the right answer either. i think the right answer is that to let go of something you just well, let go of it. ah so simple, right? so simple that it barely even bears repeating again but, i’m sure i will. because if anyone has ever let go of something, attempted to do so, thought about it, twisted and turned about it at night or in the daytime or pretty much anytime they were breathing, than you know that it isn’t just a matter of letting it go because folks if it was that easy, goddamn we’d all be feeling much lighter than we do (or at least i would).

we all have things we want to let go of and maybe some of us have. i’m not sure if i’ve ever really been a person who has done that. actually, i know i’m not. not that i am a resentful person or hold things against others (i mostly hold it against myself) but, i don’t think i have ever learned the art of letting go. and lemme tell you, it’s definitely an art form at which i am a complete virgin at. 

in my introduction the other day, i was talking about being in a transitional phase of my life, also deemed “suck” which i still fully stand by but, it isn’t just a transitional phase in the sense that dare i say it, being unemployed, graduated from college and quite unsure of prospects ahead of me, but it’s a transitional phase in the sense that i feel like i am finally trying to grow into who i’m going to be. and i think the person i want to be is a person who feels lighter, who isn’t carrying around a bunch of old demons who do nothing but set up meetings in my head to discuss just how much continued damage they can do all while living it up and dancing and partying throughout other parts of my being as well. they’re very active these demons, let’s just say that.

so, in this “suck” phase, i’m learning or trying to for the life of me, on how to let go of the things that just aren’t good for me, give me nothing but attitude and pain, and most of all are the things that i cannot change. if you know me and again, i hope you will get to know me better through this blog, that i am a person of control. i like to know what i’m doing, where i’m going and how i’m going to get there. i like to have a plan, i like to make plans. 

so, as you might have guessed that being suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) thrust into a place where maps and plans are for losers, and living day-by-day, and being present and in the now are what’s in…well…i’m not quite sure how well that’s working out for me. i mean here i am babbling on and on about just how not right it feels. it gives me incredible anxiety to just tell you how not right it feels, or to type the words, not right. 

yet, i think this is what people might tell me that this is what i need. a good ass-kicking for being someone who is so goddamn in control all of the time. the other day i was thinking how i’ve lived my life most of the time. and i’ve lived a lot of it in the sense that i have done many things because i didn’t want to be like certain people. if i saw someone doing something, i would think, “okay, that’s not what i want to do” and i would do something completely opposite but, how is that really any way to live? doing things only because you didn’t want to end up like someone else? well, it got me here, at this existential crisis of my life. i think back to those certain people whom i never wanted to be like and i realize just how alike we really are and how we ended up at the same crossroads at one point of our lives. and now when i look at them, i admire them. i admire them for being that kind of person. for rebelling, for acting out, for screaming their fucking heads off when something bothered them, for raging, and for mostly, being so brave by just being true to themselves.

that’s what i’m learning now. i’m learning that man, i’ve got some true demons and they are requiring my attention almost 24/7 and they are not going to let up until i give them that attention. until i allow myself to be that person i should have always been but never allowed myself to be. to scream out loud when i was in pain, to tell someone close to me that they’ve disappointed me, to not be so goddamn afraid to not have a plan (this one still bothers me), to be so raw on the inside and out that it’s almost unbearable, to act out and be a less-than-put-together person, to chase my tail, and to really dig so deep inside of myself that i’m unsure of when or where i’m going to find the light. 

so, i ask myself again what am i willing to let go, even just for today? i’m willing to let go of the idea that if i don’t at least attempt to learn how to move on, to give the required attention to what’s bubbling beneath this surface, than i’m not going to survive. i guess that means first things first…get moving. 

Quote

Even though you…

8 Oct

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?

― Mary Manin Morrissey