Tag Archives: life

how do you know?

5 Mar

i was talking with a girlfriend the other day who is currently going through some problems in her marriage. and she asked me, how do you know it’s going to get better? she said that if she knew it was going to get better that she would do this a hundred million  times because she would know the outcome but, then she looked at me again and asked, how do you know? 

my first response was that you know you’re never going to have that answer and i stand by that because like her, i have asked myself that question a million times over. how do you know? how do you know that the choice you’re making or not making is going to effect your life in some way? and unfortunately, my answer is still the same, you won’t ever know.

it just so happen to be good timing when she asked me that it has been intersecting with my own personal life. i have been seeing a guy for the last three weeks or so. not the first guy i’ve seen since my breakup last year but, the first one that may actually be going somewhere seriously. he’s the only guy i’m seeing at the moment and yet, there are so many questions, fears, and feelings that are swirling around in my head at any given time. 

he’s a good guy. or at least that is what my instincts are telling me but, again, how do you know? after the hit I took this last year, how well do i really know about other people and what their intentions are all about or how well do i know about my own instinct? i feel like i really let myself down last year without listening to my instinct that may or may not have been screaming at me that the situation i was in wasn’t the best for me and now, my instincts might be telling me that this guy is a good guy and possibly worth taking a chance on but, i’m scared because…how do you know?

after you’ve been broken down a few times, i think your heart changes and the way you look at people and yourself changes. not to say that isn’t a good thing. i mean after you’ve been through some tough shit, you want to change even just for the very fact that you don’t want to be hurt that way again, but, can the change make you so afraid to make any decision at all? a part of me feels like i’m just waiting in limbo right now with this relationship and it’s very hard for me to even get excited about it. i’m so afraid that all the things i want just won’t happen and maybe not in this relationship or not at all. that’s why it’s very hard to even get my hopes up about anything at all.

i’m so afraid to get hurt again, i’m afraid to be disappointed or get lost in a situation that i shouldn’t be in. i’m afraid of putting myself into something, my whole self and not getting the same in return. i’m afraid, of well, i’m afraid of failing yet again. i feel like i’m getting too old to keep failing and failing so big. so, sometimes i find myself wanting to sabotage this relationship or myself. i know that isn’t the right thing but i feel like there is this part of me that is wanting to run scared. for so long now i have cultivated my independence once again and it’s something that i don’t want to lose or maybe it’s more about not wanting to lose my values, the ones that i’ve had for so long but haven’t ever really had met? i think that’s my biggest fear, is losing myself yet again for something or someone when i know it just isn’t the right thing.

so, now that i am faced with this particular situation i’m in which has brought me quite a bit of happiness back into my life, it ultimately has me wondering…how do you know? the only answer that seems appropriate…you don’t.

this adulthood thing is hard. do they tell you that as a kid and we just don’t listen?

5 Feb

it’s been too long since i wrote on my blog. i really do need to be more consistent with this thing as i know it always helps and it’ll help to stop making me look like a crazy person, wandering the streets talking to myself (well, sort of). and so to write all the things that have happened in the last month, i’ve put my headphones in so i can concentrate on just this one task and let everything else fade away. it ist much-needed as i find myself a bit heavy with thoughts. 

so, the last time i wrote you guys was to inform you that i started online dating. it was interesting then and it still is. i mean seeing your ex-boyfriend who is currently married on a dating website, well let’s say it didn’t quite boost my confidence about joining this whole new world. but i tried to take my sister’s advice and stick to it. so, because of it, i have met some people. one of which i feel like i completely blew and the other, i’m questioning. 

the first guy i met was great. i actually still think he’s great and have affection for him but, i think i may have revealed a little too much too soon and he pretty much ran for the hills. well, we won’t say that exactly but, whatever happened, it made me rethink exactly what he wanted right now and what he was willing to give and for right now, he just isn’t sure. and because of that, it was best that we part ways. can’t say that i haven’t been beating myself up a little bit about the whole thing, feeling like i might have scared off a potentially good one but, there’s nothing i can really do. i don’t regret being honest about who i am, where i’m coming from and what i’m ultimately looking for.

although, according to my oldest sister, she did tell me some wise words of advice which may prove to be useful in the future. assuming i actually take it which let’s be honest, seems not often enough. she told me that although there is nothing wrong with being myself and that i want to be just myself, that in possibly revealing my cards too soon that i am missing out on the fun that dating can be apparently. that it’s not allowing me to let things develop naturally and organically as they should. she said i am a control freak (couldn’t really disagree with that) and being in the dating world is extra scary for me because it’s one of the least controlling environments that one can find themselves in and she’s right about that. 

so, it wasn’t as if she was talking out of her ass. she really wasn’t. she does know a two or thing about dating and three or four things about me if not more. she is my big sister after all. it’s not as if i have to not be myself when dating but, i guess i could learn to curb some more of my annoying habits right out of the gate but, you know, after today’s therapy session which honestly couldn’t have come at a better time, it was confirmed that a lot of dating faux pas lately have been due to well, you heard it here, being afraid. well, that was a no-brainer, wasn’t it? here i think that guys do things subconsciously when really, maybe i too am guilty of doing said things.

i want to just hurry up and establish what a relationship is and exactly how a person feels about me so that i know i won’t get hurt. it’s as if i know all of their intentions right up front and their plans and how they feel about me, i will be in the clear. i will be safe. but, you and i both know that that just isn’t true and that just isn’t life either. to think that we can somehow cleverly outrun old hurts and our past demons is for me to think that i can also drink fire and poop gold at the same time or at all. it just won’t happen. 

my therapist told me that because of my fear of getting hurt and somehow irrationally thinking that what i want in a partner, ask for in a partner/relationship will never be met, i find myself rushing to get anything but, or putting myself in situations where i can only get some needs met and not permanently. she told me that to want what i want isn’t irrational at all or even unrealistic. and because i also didn’t get certain needs met as a child with my mother, i always feel like i may not get those and how could i ever get them from a man if i couldn’t ever get them from my own mother. i guess i’d never really thought about it from that perspective which was surprising to my because i thought i had dissected my relationship with my mother until it could no longer be done. but, i guess not. 

so, that now leads me to where i’m currently at. i’m now seeing this other guy that i had met around the same time as the one that just flew the coop (yeah yeah that may not be the exact case but i like to be dramatic and embellish my temporary pain). we just had our second date the other night and it was great. we’ve always had a great rapport and get along very well and very easily. needless to say, i find myself wanting to know more about him and where this could possibly lead. he was very honest with me about where he is in his life. he’s very unsure if he wants to pursue anything serious at this time due to the conflicting nature of his job which will put him overseas in possibly in the next 5 to 9 months which his mind is made up that he will not carry on a long-distance relationship for the time he is gone because he won’t put anyone through that nor himself after having had a bad experience. i didn’t blame him nor could i change his mind and i’m not supposed to. that’s not my job.

so, in a way no matter where this “relationship” goes, it may very well go to splitsville because of his wants and the only job i have is to decide what i want. is that something i can live with? can i just do something fun and enjoyable for now without expectations? and i don’t know. this is the thing about me, i live very much in the black and white. and we all know that life is hardly anything but. it’s mostly in the gray or the other colors in-between. and i think so much about either being all in or all out but, am i missing out if i can’t put myself in the middle where some of life’s experiences are happening, and may very well be vital to me?

i told this person last night that i am interested in continuing to see him and going with the flow but, as i’ve thought more and more about it today, i’m not sure if that’s really what i want. but, i feel like i’m telling myself that i can’t have fun. that i can’t just live without putting so much pressure on myself and these experiences, thinking i can only get one resolution from it. i feel like if i go through with this then somehow i’m moving further away from what i really want but that’s the thing that my therapist said, that i can’t think that just because i allow myself fun, i allow myself the company of someone without expectation that somehow i’m not going to get my needs met, whether they be with this person or someone down the line.

i thought at the end of this blog, i might have my mind made up but, i don’t. i will just have to live with that. i don’t know if it’s about being present which i try to do at all times, or if it’s just knowing that what i want is okay to want and that i will get it. and that it’s okay to wade myself through this journey for it is just that, a journey. we shall see. 

a new year.

3 Jan

for a couple of days now, i have been thinking about what i’ve been wanting to say to wrap up 2013 and what i want to say about the year we just stepped into. it’s not that i necessarily want to wax poetry about all of the lessons i’ve learned but, i guess a part of me wants to voice it as best as i can. i want to know that i did learn some lessons actually. and i think i did. 2013 seems like it is what it would feel like to take a master’s program. i felt schooled to say the least.

my 2013 started off very different than other years. i was involved in something that completely raptured my whole being and for a time, i almost thought it’d always be like that. but, life as we all know it doesn’t always work out the way you think it’s going to or hope that it will. so, as my year progressed, it did just that. it turned into something i would have never asked for but would have to endure anyway. and maybe that was the point. because if we were to talk about lessons, this was by far the biggest lesson i have ever had to go through in my life.

by the beginning of summer, i pretty much was spun out on stomach-churning, heart-palpitating and sweat-induced heartbreak pain, the mother of all pains (besides stubbing your big toe). and that is where i will start talking about the lessons i’ve learned i suppose. no matter how much i’ve hoped for certain things in my life, i have become accustom to the notion that life never asks you what you want and even when i think it is, it really isn’t. and so this lesson wasn’t any different but it never feels any less painful whether you knew that already or not.

so, i think the lesson in that would be to know that yes, life isn’t going to ask you what you want so you’re going to have to do that for yourself. what do you want? you know, to be honest with yourself is one scary place to be. it’s sort of like being in the middle of a dark room and you’ve got to navigate yourself towards the light, the one that you hope is there in the first place. and i don’t know about you but, i’m not the biggest fan of the dark and that is what it was like, this lesson. being in the pitch black dark. and wondering, is there light, wherever i am?

we will come back to that in just a little bit because i don’t want to minimize other, possibly lighter yet most-noteworthy lessons i also learned. i learned that sometimes when you reach out and you stretch out your hand just long enough, someone will take it into theirs. i cannot begin to describe the depth of love and support i received this year from family, old and new friends alike. i can honestly say that my heart was full to the brim with the kind of tenderness i was able to receive from those that i loved, and those that i have grown to love so very much. these people, these oh so wise people who lent me their hearts when i felt mine was irrevocably broken and without these people, i don’t think i’d be able to sit here and write about this or make it through the pain that i was in.

you know it’s people like the ones that i am so fortunate to have in my life that are the things that make learning lessons like this the only thing possible to get through it and learn from it because these people are really the ones that have created a whole new dialogue and view to see things from. it makes me think back to this summer when i was getting my first tattoo and my tattoo artist who i still keep in touch with said this to me, he said that all life is about making connections and putting people in our hearts and that we shouldn’t waste one second on those who can only go surface deep. i think about that all the time, it was probably one of the most profound things i’ve ever heard. and i will always be grateful to those words.

and the connections i’ve made this year with new friends and the connections that have deepened with friends that i have had for years has been…well…it’s been everything to me. because i believe too that life is all about connections, reaching out and touching one another and being touched in return and this year proved that to me ten-fold.

so back to the biggest lesson i’ve learned that spurned from my heartbreak, you know the thing i’ve droned on about in probably all of my blogs. how did i learn from it? what else did i learn from it? what is it that i really do want? and my answer to all of those are well, just this…to be determined. if i were to sit here and tell you that i’ve learned my lesson, i will give my heart out to less people, i won’t give as much as myself to someone else, i won’t be with people less-worthy, or whatever, i’d probably be lying because those are things you cannot ever predict. yeah you get smarter about choices, and about the people you let into your life but you cannot predict just how you’re going to behave or how someone is going to react to who you are. life is still a gamble, no matter the lesson.

but, what i can tell you is that the growth i have taken this year is something that is a progression. it hasn’t stopped. i haven’t learned all that i can. God, do we ever? someone once told me that the minute you stop growing is when you’re dead. i still believe that. sure, i have days when i just feel like i want to be done already, i want to know exactly what i’m doing with my life, who i am, and where i’m going but, i know that’s ego and not truth. because the truth is that i may never know those things to an exact tee, and they may always change but, that’s the point. the only constant we will ever have is change.

you know i said before that being honest with yourself is a scary place to be and it is. and i find myself the most scared when i sit down and tell myself that this is what i want because sometimes i think, i may never get it. i may never have the courage to go out there and get it or have the courage to wait for it because i can be a taurus to a tee at times, one stubborn ass bull. i want things and i want them right now. but, remember, here comes that pesky notion again…life never asks you what you want. and what about this fear thing? is that ever going to go away, even with my progression into a new me? i don’t know.

the other day i was on facebook and i read a quote that said everything you want is on the other side of fear. pretty powerful, huh? i thought so at least. and it made me think of this year and just how much my choices have been fear-based for a very long time. i’m so fearful that i won’t ever get what i want, and that if i ever do, it won’t be real. or that i don’t really know what i want or that i’m afraid to be that honest with myself about what i do want. i did mention i have this thing about fear, right?

but, then i think about some of the things i did this year and i think that some were made possible by the fact that yes, i was scared out of my gall but, i did it anyway. that i pushed through certain boundaries that were only put up by myself and my fear and again, i did it anyway.

so, to really try to sum up my year as poetically as i can and with all the meaning of who i am and who i want to be, what i learned the most this year was that there are some connections you make in life that run so deep, they’ll change every core of who you are or thought you were, and that if you don’t ask yourself what you truly want, no one will, and that fear is a state of mind, a motivator, and the one thing that can stop you dead in your tracks or make you look at yourself in the most brutally honest way, the only way to look at yourself.

2013, you really kicked my ass. you beat me to a bloody pulp, had me crying like a newborn baby in the fetal position, and really pushed me off a cliff with no remorse whatsoever. yet, just like any other bully who comes to take my lunch money, you leave me with something i didn’t have when you took my money the first time and that’s conviction that the next time, i will be better prepared. i may not always get it, you may always take a little something from me, but each time, i’m going to be there, a little smarter, faster, and hopefully, better.

2014…here we go.

life may just break you but it won’t kill you.

26 Oct

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

i started today’s post with the quote from above and i think it says it all. life will break you and there is nothing that can prepare you for that fall. and there isn’t a way to avoid it either because just like the quote said, we are here to do all the things that are going to bring us that pain, the kind that is going to break us all in the places that we thought we were safe.

i was thinking about that today as i got out of bed. i started my day off with meditation and man, it felt awesome. my concentration during my meditation is growing and i’m able to quiet the voices and the mad thoughts i’m having and go into a trance where i hear nothing, see nothing but feel everything. and it really is changing the way that i start my day and how i live the rest of my day as well.

once i did that i got into the shower and that is where i did most of my thinking about what i wanted to talk about in this blog today. and i’m pretty sure i’ve lost a lot of the great things i was going to say too once i got out of the shower. but i knew i was going to at least say that today i started my day off strong. i felt strong. i feel strong. i didn’t feel like i was having an avalanche of feelings come tumbling down on me and pummel me to the ground when there are days that i still feel that way.

it made me think about how to start your day and how i’ve been starting mine lately. i am of course a member of facebook like the rest of the world and on my facebook i am subscribed or have “liked” a bunch of positive affirmation pages and everyday a plethora show up in my newsfeed. and many of them hit the spot for me. and of course i go and hit that like button. i’m very much about surrounding myself with positive words, sayings, inspirations, etc. but i’ve been thinking about how much do i really believe in them? at least for myself. and i know that is something i want to work on because i can “like” these things till they go out of style but, if i’m not buying into them or believing in them for myself, what good are they to me? they’re just things that take up space in my newsfeed and my life. so, i’m going to make a much more conscious effort to really think about what they mean to me and how they can apply to my life. i’ve already got the first step down by just letting them into my life, now i just need to believe they should be there.

so that got me thinking about an interview i had yesterday. i was interviewing for a coordinator/supervisor position at a community college about an hour from where i live for a head start program they have. once the interview was over or even during it, i felt highly under qualified and that every single thing that was coming out of my mouth was just one more thing keeping my unemployed. and i thought that the whole way home, while i got gas and ran into the store to grab a couple of bottles of wine. and then i continued to think that as i sipped on my wine the rest of the night.

i talked to my friends about it and they all say i’m too hard on myself as usual and that we all think about what we could have done better during interviews. that’s just how it goes. and that i need to think positively and that good things are coming my way. again, it’s easy to surround myself with good, positive things and people but how much do i really believe that they’ll pan out that way for me? because with my track record, it’s not exactly been that way.

but, as i was in the shower this morning i decided to let that go. i decided to stop critiquing myself on what i did or didn’t do during that interview and let it be for now. and if they decide to bring me in for another interview, of course i will be the first one to be overjoyed and thoroughly surprised and if not, well, then that’s another thing about life. it doesn’t always ask you what you want. and we’ve got to be okay with that and i’m learning how to do that these days.

and as always, it got me thinking about my journey, unemployment, heartbreak, transformation…all of it. it made me think about the last year of my life and how half of that time i spent pouring myself into something i really believed in, something i very much attached myself to. someone i very much attached myself to. and you know how people are always saying that when they look back on situations or relationships that they somehow always knew it would end or that it wouldn’t work out? i’m not sure how you can really have that feeling until you experience it because even now, i’m not sure if i feel that way or if or when i will.

because i feel like when you’re in something very deep and it’s flooded with the love and effort you’re putting into it, it’s very hard to see it ending any other way except the way that you think it’s going to. i think when you’re in something that deep, you’re willing and ready to take a good beating and then once that beating is over with, you’re ready to take more until one day, it’s just not an option anymore. whether at your will or theirs.

again, life never asks you what you want and it surely didn’t ask me. it didn’t ask me if i wanted to devote myself and my time to someone for so many months only to have it end a way in which i didn’t envision it to. it was as if i was finally staring at a chess board in which all the players had lined up to take the queen and it didn’t matter who or what move was going to be made, she was going to be taken because she was never protected in the first place. there’s no strategic move needed when you’re not really all that guarded to begin with and i think that’s what the quote is trying to say.

i didn’t ask to be in this place, some five months later to be sitting here and blogging about my innermost feelings about my experience thus far about the pain that life brings. but, here i am. and that’s also the point too. i’m here to tell the tale. if anything, if i believed in anything, i believe that yes life is going to break you and once you’ve healed, it’s probably going to do it again. oh that limb is just starting to heal? oh that cut is scarring up? too damn bad. we are going to break that limb and re-open that cut…just cause. but it most certainly isn’t going to kill us, it hasn’t killed me even when i was sure at times it was most certainly going to.

life is hard, cruel, harsh and makes you short of breath more times than not and sometimes you just get the shit end of the stick and that can’t really be helped. especially if you’re someone like me that also so firmly believes in love which means a varied amount of things can happen. disappointment, hurt, and rejection, among other things. but, i also believe that loving and having the ability to love is extremely powerful and it teaches us about the kind of people we are, what we are truly capable of and what we are willing to endure.

love, and the loss of love has brought me to this very place today. and today is just another day in this journey and today i feel strong. i know i won’t always have days like that but, today is just one of those days. and i’m looking forward to many more just like this.

so what does it look like to be lost in your twentys?

8 Oct

well, to answer the question above, it looks like this…watching the sixth season of criminal minds on a monday afternoon as my dog pretends to sleep waiting for the dinner bell to be rung. not very eventful and not much to note. that is what it seems like to be lost in your twentys but, there is always more to the story than what you see on surface, isn’t there?

it all started four months ago or maybe it was longer. sometimes i can’t tell. but, i can say it was definitely one of those experiences that it’s anything but the specific experience. it was one of those things that not only are you going through something already shitty, but all your other demons want to come out and play.

so, what did i do? i got the hell out of dodge. i packed my bags, threw them into the trunk of my car and headed down to california (solo i might add)  to seek some much-needed refuge from friends. to say the least the sun was endless, the wine was plenty, and my friends could have been grade-A refugee workers the way they tried to huddle me in the shelter of their arms as i cried and spewed nonsense about the black-hole that was my life, and most importantly, time wasn’t an issue. but, it wasn’t enough. especially with time doing the devil’s dance all over my body.

see, if you know me (and maybe you will through this blog), i have a thing about time. a BIG thing. and it contributes a lot to why i feel the way i do about myself at this age (i have yet to disclose my age, let’s just say i’m in my later twentys and plus we just met each other, how rude to ask my age so soon!) in the sense that i thought i would be much further in my life at this point in many endeavors. but, we will get back to that later.

i left california after a month with one kick-ass tan, some new apparel, and enough sage advice to fill a book or two. but, i felt anything but great. i may have looked it (thanks to you tan!) but on the inside, i felt much different. i still could not shake the feeling that i felt all the way down to california, through each and every sunny experience and my eventual return back home…brokenness. and it wasn’t just a broken heart, it was much more than that. it was my soul.

i was home for about three weeks until i hit the road again. this time it was to florida and missouri to visit my sister and my best friend respectively. and it happened again. i had high hopes that seeing these very special people would somehow do me good, make me feel less broken in some way, or help me to repair what i felt like i was so lacking. don’t get me wrong, i enjoyed being in the proximity of the people that i loved so incredibly because when you’re going through something so harsh, there is nothing like getting to see people who no longer live near you, in person. but again, it just wasn’t enough.

i left those two hot-ass states with another great tan but even the tan couldn’t warm or change what i was feeling beneath. as i returned home, my job was nearly over and i was only two weeks to being finished with the last class i was ever going to take as an undergraduate. everything was coming to an end and it was all happening at the worse possible time too. i did mention before how demons like to all come out at once? it was as if they had all suddenly banned together and yelled CHARGE!! pesky bastards.

my job ended as did my class which i then received my bachelor’s degree in psychology. again, something that should have made me feel better, something that should have opened the doors wide open to real and actual healing. but, it just didn’t. i wouldn’t let it. i read this book that said when you’re feeling bad about yourself, you continue to do things or play back memories that somehow reassures just how bad you’re feeling about yourself. let’s just say that i became a kung-fu master at heaping pain onto pain because through all of these lovely travels, friends who held me and talked endlessly about who they knew me to be, and new experiences that i might never have had otherwise, i took the path less traveled and of much resistance. i continued to doubt everything that i was, let the words/thoughts/beliefs/actions of others take my mind (or basically my whole being) for hostage, replay the past like it was going out of style and anything and everything that would cut off access to healing.

so, that sort of brings me to here, and now you too. you want to know what i have learned through all of this and if i’m somehow better now? well, as you can tell by the question i posed above and have since explained my answer, you can tell that the jury is still out. and it’s still a questionable time in my life. some people call it a transition. i call it suck.

but, i have been doing what i like to call research in a way. it’s just more geared towards implementing it into my life rather than putting it into a paper that i would turn into my professor. i’ve been hitting the job trail like my dog hits her food bowl at dinner time: aggressively, relentlessly, and doesn’t finish until every last piece of food has been put into her mouth. i’ve also been writing in my journal or just writing in general (hence this blog), reading like i used to in college (now it’s just more self-help than text), learning the art of meditation, running/spinning a few times a week, and having the privilege to be constantly stuck in the middle of the awesomeness vortex that are my friends.

i want to go back to what i said previously about time. it’s a funny thing, you know? i now have more of it than i know what to do with it yet, it’s the perfect time to use it to my benefit. to take time. to make time. to use time. most of all, to be productive with it now that i do have it. so, that is where i find myself. somewhere in the middle of where i used to be and where i’d like to be and i gotta say, it’s no picnic in the park trying to decipher where i’m going to be on any given day.

so, i would say that this is what it looks like to be lost in my twenties. one long period of being in the unknown. and i’m not sure what it’s going to look like when i have it all “figured out” (again, if there is such a thing) but, i’d like to believe that it’s going to be awesome, feel amazing, and most of all, something that i can arrive at. here’s to the continuation of navigating my way through this rocky terrain of my twentys…