Tag Archives: inspiration

a new year.

3 Jan

for a couple of days now, i have been thinking about what i’ve been wanting to say to wrap up 2013 and what i want to say about the year we just stepped into. it’s not that i necessarily want to wax poetry about all of the lessons i’ve learned but, i guess a part of me wants to voice it as best as i can. i want to know that i did learn some lessons actually. and i think i did. 2013 seems like it is what it would feel like to take a master’s program. i felt schooled to say the least.

my 2013 started off very different than other years. i was involved in something that completely raptured my whole being and for a time, i almost thought it’d always be like that. but, life as we all know it doesn’t always work out the way you think it’s going to or hope that it will. so, as my year progressed, it did just that. it turned into something i would have never asked for but would have to endure anyway. and maybe that was the point. because if we were to talk about lessons, this was by far the biggest lesson i have ever had to go through in my life.

by the beginning of summer, i pretty much was spun out on stomach-churning, heart-palpitating and sweat-induced heartbreak pain, the mother of all pains (besides stubbing your big toe). and that is where i will start talking about the lessons i’ve learned i suppose. no matter how much i’ve hoped for certain things in my life, i have become accustom to the notion that life never asks you what you want and even when i think it is, it really isn’t. and so this lesson wasn’t any different but it never feels any less painful whether you knew that already or not.

so, i think the lesson in that would be to know that yes, life isn’t going to ask you what you want so you’re going to have to do that for yourself. what do you want? you know, to be honest with yourself is one scary place to be. it’s sort of like being in the middle of a dark room and you’ve got to navigate yourself towards the light, the one that you hope is there in the first place. and i don’t know about you but, i’m not the biggest fan of the dark and that is what it was like, this lesson. being in the pitch black dark. and wondering, is there light, wherever i am?

we will come back to that in just a little bit because i don’t want to minimize other, possibly lighter yet most-noteworthy lessons i also learned. i learned that sometimes when you reach out and you stretch out your hand just long enough, someone will take it into theirs. i cannot begin to describe the depth of love and support i received this year from family, old and new friends alike. i can honestly say that my heart was full to the brim with the kind of tenderness i was able to receive from those that i loved, and those that i have grown to love so very much. these people, these oh so wise people who lent me their hearts when i felt mine was irrevocably broken and without these people, i don’t think i’d be able to sit here and write about this or make it through the pain that i was in.

you know it’s people like the ones that i am so fortunate to have in my life that are the things that make learning lessons like this the only thing possible to get through it and learn from it because these people are really the ones that have created a whole new dialogue and view to see things from. it makes me think back to this summer when i was getting my first tattoo and my tattoo artist who i still keep in touch with said this to me, he said that all life is about making connections and putting people in our hearts and that we shouldn’t waste one second on those who can only go surface deep. i think about that all the time, it was probably one of the most profound things i’ve ever heard. and i will always be grateful to those words.

and the connections i’ve made this year with new friends and the connections that have deepened with friends that i have had for years has been…well…it’s been everything to me. because i believe too that life is all about connections, reaching out and touching one another and being touched in return and this year proved that to me ten-fold.

so back to the biggest lesson i’ve learned that spurned from my heartbreak, you know the thing i’ve droned on about in probably all of my blogs. how did i learn from it? what else did i learn from it? what is it that i really do want? and my answer to all of those are well, just this…to be determined. if i were to sit here and tell you that i’ve learned my lesson, i will give my heart out to less people, i won’t give as much as myself to someone else, i won’t be with people less-worthy, or whatever, i’d probably be lying because those are things you cannot ever predict. yeah you get smarter about choices, and about the people you let into your life but you cannot predict just how you’re going to behave or how someone is going to react to who you are. life is still a gamble, no matter the lesson.

but, what i can tell you is that the growth i have taken this year is something that is a progression. it hasn’t stopped. i haven’t learned all that i can. God, do we ever? someone once told me that the minute you stop growing is when you’re dead. i still believe that. sure, i have days when i just feel like i want to be done already, i want to know exactly what i’m doing with my life, who i am, and where i’m going but, i know that’s ego and not truth. because the truth is that i may never know those things to an exact tee, and they may always change but, that’s the point. the only constant we will ever have is change.

you know i said before that being honest with yourself is a scary place to be and it is. and i find myself the most scared when i sit down and tell myself that this is what i want because sometimes i think, i may never get it. i may never have the courage to go out there and get it or have the courage to wait for it because i can be a taurus to a tee at times, one stubborn ass bull. i want things and i want them right now. but, remember, here comes that pesky notion again…life never asks you what you want. and what about this fear thing? is that ever going to go away, even with my progression into a new me? i don’t know.

the other day i was on facebook and i read a quote that said everything you want is on the other side of fear. pretty powerful, huh? i thought so at least. and it made me think of this year and just how much my choices have been fear-based for a very long time. i’m so fearful that i won’t ever get what i want, and that if i ever do, it won’t be real. or that i don’t really know what i want or that i’m afraid to be that honest with myself about what i do want. i did mention i have this thing about fear, right?

but, then i think about some of the things i did this year and i think that some were made possible by the fact that yes, i was scared out of my gall but, i did it anyway. that i pushed through certain boundaries that were only put up by myself and my fear and again, i did it anyway.

so, to really try to sum up my year as poetically as i can and with all the meaning of who i am and who i want to be, what i learned the most this year was that there are some connections you make in life that run so deep, they’ll change every core of who you are or thought you were, and that if you don’t ask yourself what you truly want, no one will, and that fear is a state of mind, a motivator, and the one thing that can stop you dead in your tracks or make you look at yourself in the most brutally honest way, the only way to look at yourself.

2013, you really kicked my ass. you beat me to a bloody pulp, had me crying like a newborn baby in the fetal position, and really pushed me off a cliff with no remorse whatsoever. yet, just like any other bully who comes to take my lunch money, you leave me with something i didn’t have when you took my money the first time and that’s conviction that the next time, i will be better prepared. i may not always get it, you may always take a little something from me, but each time, i’m going to be there, a little smarter, faster, and hopefully, better.

2014…here we go.

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Quote

Things don’t go…

14 Nov

Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

– Charlie Jones

Video

By The Grace of God

23 Oct

This is a performance by Katy Perry performing one of her songs from her album, Prism. The song is called By The Grace of God and I find it to be so inspirational. Knowing that we all go through those dark, dark times just to come out and see the light that is that much brighter. I am so happy that she wrote a song like this that really speaks to me and so many other people 🙂

Quote

Letting there b…

19 Oct

Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.

― Pema Chödrön

Quote

Anyone can hide…

14 Oct

Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.

― Sarah Dessen

quit tugging at me.

13 Oct

just for shits and giggles today, i thought instead of continuing on with my actual half-decent sleep from last night, i would just play a mind-game with myself and think about all the things that i cannot change nor control or really should be thinking about in the first place. all the things that still continue to hurt me, give me grief, and don’t propel me forward. and thinking about them this morning actually gave me physical pain, in my heart as always, and gave me one gnarly stomach ache. that was a first and i think it’s my body’s way of telling me…QUIT LETTING IT TUG AT YOU! and my body is so right.

the thing with the mind is that it’s so powerful and too smart for its own good. it knows the very things it should and shouldn’t think about. it protects me from the things that bring me the most pain by allowing me to rationalize why i feel that way and why i shouldn’t yet at the very same time, it allows me to think of the things that brings me the most pain without any real explanation. that is where i’m thinking the heart (or at least my half-functioning, broken mess of one) comes into play. i feel it everyday. i feel that pain. that constant void. that is where it starts to play its own games with my mind and it always ends in a not-so-good result for me. 

sometime i feel like we are our best and worse enemy. why do we hold onto the things that we know damn well are not good for us? why do we hold onto them knowing the truth that we do but still try to see it as something other than that? why do we try to continue to put a mask on something, make it prettier, or color it a different color? WHY???! if you know this answer, you’re smarter than i am.

but, maybe i understand it a little better now or maybe i always have. my brother-in-law and i went and watched a movie called Rush. it was about these two formula one race-car drivers and their need to constantly compete with each other, themselves, and their fates. in one of the more subtle, and quiet scenes, one of the drivers who has just gotten married talks to his new bride about how happiness is your enemy. he said happiness is your enemy because you realize you have something to lose. 

i loved what he said because he was saying that when you leave yourself open, and whatever your definition of happiness is but when we find ourselves in pursuit of whatever it is, you are setting yourself up for the possibility that you’re going to get hurt and possibly lose. and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. and unfortunately too. but, i think back to all the times that i’ve lost and i just don’t think i would undo them, no matter how much they hurt. because, it’s who i am and about what i’m capable of and what i’m capable of is being a person who can go in wanting to win, come out losing quite big (more often times than not) but, still hoping that next time around, i might just win. 

i’ve also been watching the first season of the newsroom. and if any of you have seen this show or are currently watching it, fracking amazing, right?!? it’s such a good show and for so many reasons, some obvious and not so obvious. the main character, will mcavoy who is a news anchor battling not just professional demons but moral demons as well that pertains to his love life when it soured a few years ago when his ex-girlfriend/new executive producer cheated on him and pretty much left him spiraling (albeit in the most controlled fashion one can be when being jilted by someone you love) ever since. he starts seeing a therapist and talks about how he’s doing all of these things while trying to get ratings up and at the same time torturing his ex-girlfriend while hiring the guy who she cheated on him with as the reporter to write about all the changes they’ve been doing at the news station. 

to make a long story short, he’s asking the therapist why he’s doing that and how he did it with such ease. he knows years have passed since they split up and they’ve been working well together and he knows full right what he’s doing is wrong but he’s doing it anyway. his therapist said it so damn simple. he says you’re holding your hand over the candle because you think the trick is not minding and he responds, “ah, so if i can just get through this?!” as if he’s hit his own epiphany. the therapist shakes his head and says, “no, the trick isn’t minding, the trick is to forgive.” will’s response, “it’d be easier to hold my hand over the candle”. i know, right?

but, it was like a bomb went off when he said that and i’ve seen the scene about a dozen times mind you. i think we talk about the idea of forgiveness a lot in our lives. i know i have. and that’s the thing, we talk about it but, how often do we really do it? don’t get me wrong, i’m not one to hold a grudge (or at least not for long) but, i’m not sure i’m one to forgive either. forgive others, yes, myself…well that’s another story altogether. but, in this case, i have yet to forgive others and myself. and it’s left me in the quandary that is this person you see before you (or not see, but hear through her writing or whatever, y’all know what i’m saying). 

that’s what is tugging at me. not being able to move on is in direct relation to forgiveness in many ways. forgiveness is a beautiful thing and i think it’s an attribute that separates a certain kind of people from other kinds of people. i think the ability to forgive is the ability to give ourselves peace, to give ourselves love and to give ourselves hope. i wish to give myself forgiveness. i wish to give forgiveness to those who may not necessarily deserve it but, i have lived enough to know that those who we may not deem forgivable, are the ones that need it the most because a lot of the time, they do not have the ability to forgive.

i once had this very conversation with someone i once knew. he once asked how i was able to forgive someone from my past who did many horrible things to me and put me through hell at one point in my life and i responded that i was able to do so because i wanted forgiveness for myself. i didn’t want to carry around the burden for such heavy feelings. i felt like at the time if i was able to forgive someone like like that for what they did to me, i would also be able to forgive myself. this person scoffed at me and said he would never forgive someone for doing what they did to me, and i laughed a little and said, “well, that’s the difference between you and i.” and now more than ever, i have to keep that in mind. i need to keep in mind the difference between who i am and who certain people are and not let the truth get buried beneath the rubble, just because my heart isn’t quite ready to live in the truth as much as the rest of me. 

i want to think that everything that i’ve been learning of late, all the pieces of wonderful, insightful and sage advice that i’ve been given, all the words and phrases of inspiration are bringing me to more moments of clarity and are helping to build the strength that i need to continue to power through this time in my life. 

to finish this blog tonight, i will quote the book i’ve been reading. it talked about two ways to get through pain, to wait it out or ride it out. waiting it out meant to just literally soak in it and sometimes for years until it just passes. but, riding it out (and i’m sure you’ll see as well as i did why this is the better option) means “you strap on your suit, grab your long board and force yourself to get on the wave.” the book said that those they surveyed about riding it out as opposed to waiting it out almost always felt much more empowered and confident knowing that were able to navigate themselves through something they once thought might swallow them whole. 

here’s to continuing to ride it out…i’ve got my suit on.