Tag Archives: honesty

a new year.

3 Jan

for a couple of days now, i have been thinking about what i’ve been wanting to say to wrap up 2013 and what i want to say about the year we just stepped into. it’s not that i necessarily want to wax poetry about all of the lessons i’ve learned but, i guess a part of me wants to voice it as best as i can. i want to know that i did learn some lessons actually. and i think i did. 2013 seems like it is what it would feel like to take a master’s program. i felt schooled to say the least.

my 2013 started off very different than other years. i was involved in something that completely raptured my whole being and for a time, i almost thought it’d always be like that. but, life as we all know it doesn’t always work out the way you think it’s going to or hope that it will. so, as my year progressed, it did just that. it turned into something i would have never asked for but would have to endure anyway. and maybe that was the point. because if we were to talk about lessons, this was by far the biggest lesson i have ever had to go through in my life.

by the beginning of summer, i pretty much was spun out on stomach-churning, heart-palpitating and sweat-induced heartbreak pain, the mother of all pains (besides stubbing your big toe). and that is where i will start talking about the lessons i’ve learned i suppose. no matter how much i’ve hoped for certain things in my life, i have become accustom to the notion that life never asks you what you want and even when i think it is, it really isn’t. and so this lesson wasn’t any different but it never feels any less painful whether you knew that already or not.

so, i think the lesson in that would be to know that yes, life isn’t going to ask you what you want so you’re going to have to do that for yourself. what do you want? you know, to be honest with yourself is one scary place to be. it’s sort of like being in the middle of a dark room and you’ve got to navigate yourself towards the light, the one that you hope is there in the first place. and i don’t know about you but, i’m not the biggest fan of the dark and that is what it was like, this lesson. being in the pitch black dark. and wondering, is there light, wherever i am?

we will come back to that in just a little bit because i don’t want to minimize other, possibly lighter yet most-noteworthy lessons i also learned. i learned that sometimes when you reach out and you stretch out your hand just long enough, someone will take it into theirs. i cannot begin to describe the depth of love and support i received this year from family, old and new friends alike. i can honestly say that my heart was full to the brim with the kind of tenderness i was able to receive from those that i loved, and those that i have grown to love so very much. these people, these oh so wise people who lent me their hearts when i felt mine was irrevocably broken and without these people, i don’t think i’d be able to sit here and write about this or make it through the pain that i was in.

you know it’s people like the ones that i am so fortunate to have in my life that are the things that make learning lessons like this the only thing possible to get through it and learn from it because these people are really the ones that have created a whole new dialogue and view to see things from. it makes me think back to this summer when i was getting my first tattoo and my tattoo artist who i still keep in touch with said this to me, he said that all life is about making connections and putting people in our hearts and that we shouldn’t waste one second on those who can only go surface deep. i think about that all the time, it was probably one of the most profound things i’ve ever heard. and i will always be grateful to those words.

and the connections i’ve made this year with new friends and the connections that have deepened with friends that i have had for years has been…well…it’s been everything to me. because i believe too that life is all about connections, reaching out and touching one another and being touched in return and this year proved that to me ten-fold.

so back to the biggest lesson i’ve learned that spurned from my heartbreak, you know the thing i’ve droned on about in probably all of my blogs. how did i learn from it? what else did i learn from it? what is it that i really do want? and my answer to all of those are well, just this…to be determined. if i were to sit here and tell you that i’ve learned my lesson, i will give my heart out to less people, i won’t give as much as myself to someone else, i won’t be with people less-worthy, or whatever, i’d probably be lying because those are things you cannot ever predict. yeah you get smarter about choices, and about the people you let into your life but you cannot predict just how you’re going to behave or how someone is going to react to who you are. life is still a gamble, no matter the lesson.

but, what i can tell you is that the growth i have taken this year is something that is a progression. it hasn’t stopped. i haven’t learned all that i can. God, do we ever? someone once told me that the minute you stop growing is when you’re dead. i still believe that. sure, i have days when i just feel like i want to be done already, i want to know exactly what i’m doing with my life, who i am, and where i’m going but, i know that’s ego and not truth. because the truth is that i may never know those things to an exact tee, and they may always change but, that’s the point. the only constant we will ever have is change.

you know i said before that being honest with yourself is a scary place to be and it is. and i find myself the most scared when i sit down and tell myself that this is what i want because sometimes i think, i may never get it. i may never have the courage to go out there and get it or have the courage to wait for it because i can be a taurus to a tee at times, one stubborn ass bull. i want things and i want them right now. but, remember, here comes that pesky notion again…life never asks you what you want. and what about this fear thing? is that ever going to go away, even with my progression into a new me? i don’t know.

the other day i was on facebook and i read a quote that said everything you want is on the other side of fear. pretty powerful, huh? i thought so at least. and it made me think of this year and just how much my choices have been fear-based for a very long time. i’m so fearful that i won’t ever get what i want, and that if i ever do, it won’t be real. or that i don’t really know what i want or that i’m afraid to be that honest with myself about what i do want. i did mention i have this thing about fear, right?

but, then i think about some of the things i did this year and i think that some were made possible by the fact that yes, i was scared out of my gall but, i did it anyway. that i pushed through certain boundaries that were only put up by myself and my fear and again, i did it anyway.

so, to really try to sum up my year as poetically as i can and with all the meaning of who i am and who i want to be, what i learned the most this year was that there are some connections you make in life that run so deep, they’ll change every core of who you are or thought you were, and that if you don’t ask yourself what you truly want, no one will, and that fear is a state of mind, a motivator, and the one thing that can stop you dead in your tracks or make you look at yourself in the most brutally honest way, the only way to look at yourself.

2013, you really kicked my ass. you beat me to a bloody pulp, had me crying like a newborn baby in the fetal position, and really pushed me off a cliff with no remorse whatsoever. yet, just like any other bully who comes to take my lunch money, you leave me with something i didn’t have when you took my money the first time and that’s conviction that the next time, i will be better prepared. i may not always get it, you may always take a little something from me, but each time, i’m going to be there, a little smarter, faster, and hopefully, better.

2014…here we go.

is anything ever really casual anymore? and more so…am i ready for that?

26 Nov

so, this weekend i may have indulged in the case of the “casuals” if you know what i mean. and it’s still something i’m a bit unsure of if it’s for me or not. i think in the end i know that it’s not because i want more but, i think finding myself in this situation also helped me to realize that i’m also nowhere ready to be in another serious relationship yet. so, i definitely went a bit outside of my box this weekend when i met someone and engaged in some casual, well, again, you know that i mean. i won’t be crude and go into detail but oh man…i can say it was definitely worth it.

but, i got a healthy and i think much-needed dose of reality when this said person and i had a frank discussion about what exactly was going to happen next. this person who by the way was very adult and hopefully genuine about his response that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, was wanting to be selfish and have time to himself and was about to dive head-first into a long-held career goal. and it’s funny too that i had been reading the great book called he’s just not that into you. and in this case, i think i would probably fall under that category and that’s fine. and it’s not as if it was that simple either, or maybe it was. this person had some real genuine life concerns that were happening and i understand that and maybe under different circumstances, things might be different.

i know, i know, i sound naive, right? that i was taken advantage of and that he’s giving me the old heeve-ho while trying to be nice? i don’t think so, and even so, it still leaves me where i’m at and that is that i agree with this guy, i too am not ready for anything serious. and the way i found that out was by doing what i’ve done a lot when getting out (or shoved out) of a not-so-great relationship, and that is to seek my happiness from yet another person. and i found myself doing that again in this situation. just by pondering, letting myself daydream a little about what it would look like to be in a relationship with this oh so fine gentleman (whoa ladies, if you saw this man, my goodness! he is quite the looker!) without really giving it a hard look of truth that hello, you just met the man and you met him under interesting circumstances which you never indulge in and hello, did i mention that i just met this person?

and i had a few moments of honesty with myself, whether it was talking to myself or talking with some great friends about it. that it was indeed coming from a place of loneliness and uncertainty, two places that well, SUCK. but, i could recognize that that is where i was operating from and that’s not the healthiest place to want to start anything with. i know it isn’t. i want to start something knowing i’m ready, knowing that i feel good about myself, i feel that i know what i’m worth and that i truly know that i won’t settle for anything less than what i really want. i have spent so much time counseling my girlfriends about being true to what they want and that they don’t necessarily have to mold that into what they want in hopes of finding a partner or love or whatever. and i know i too need to heed the same advice, right?

so, i thought i might be able to do this whole casual thing after having a conversation with this fine fella. he said he wanted to be able to hang out and indulge in what we had indulged in before (no details, sorry) but that he didn’t want things to escalate. and i asked him if that was him trying to watch out for me, for me not to get too attached or for him and he replied, that it was a mutual thing. for the both of us not to start to get attached, especially with the way he was feeling about certain things in his life and i told him he didn’t have to worry about me. but, as soon as i said that and i think i had also said that if anybody were to get attached, he didn’t have to worry about it being him because like i said he sounded pretty set in what he wanted for his current life or at the least the ability to find out what exactly he wanted, it would be me. and i knew i was right in saying that because it was true. i would most likely be the one to get attached, to start have feelings and what not because that’s who i am. i’ve never once stopped believing in the grand idea or allure of love, i’m just not sure if it believes in me at this moment.

but, having said that aloud to this person and to myself, i realize that it’s a good thing that i was met with his honesty which helped to really put me in my place of my own truth. and the truth is that no matter how good this weekend felt and oh man, did it feel good and it was what i really needed and wanted, i know that in the end i’m always going to be that girl who wants more and that’s okay with me. and i have to be okay with knowing that it isn’t always going to be with the person that pays you some attention, or the opportunity that looks like an opportunity because it isn’t always that. sure, this was an opportunity, and sure this guy is probably one fantastic catch but, he won’t be either for me and i’ve just got to be okay with it and i think i am.

you know, so many months ago i would be hounding myself day after day about what it is about me that didn’t make this guy just want to jump full head on into serious territory and what was it about who i was that just wasn’t making this opportunity go in the way that i wanted and all that self-flagellating bullshit. because that is exactly what it is, it’s bullshit. it’s not truth. there is nothing about me that makes this guy want to keep on with his own life plan and that is just doesn’t necessarily align with my own. there isn’t anything about me that is somehow wrong,i just just don’t fit with this guy at this time. and i think i’m finally okay with accepting that. that we are all in our own place in our life and sometimes when you meet people, you just meet them and that’s it. you have a moment and then the moment passes, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

because in this one moment that i had with this guy, it showed me a lot. taught me a lot. made me feel a lot. for one, i felt desired and i feel like it’s been such a long time to have felt that way, to have seen myself through someone else and that felt pretty damn good. and two, it taught me a lot about where i was in my own growth and that i’m doing just that, growing. and it’s a kind of growing that i wouldn’t have been able to do before either had i remained in the situation i was in. it also showed me about being adult and how honesty isn’t something that is dead. it was nice to finally meet someone who was in my age group and didn’t think that honesty was overrated when confronted with it. i mean, this guy could have very well told me a bunch of crap that would have led me to think we were going to be something, we would be embarking on some beautiful adventure with each other, and bla bla bla. sure, he may have let me down gently but, he still let me down. that’s the point. and that’s what i needed. i don’t need to be fed anymore bullshit by these verbal pleasers, i need someone who is going to be adult enough to tell me exactly where they are in their own life even if it means that it’s not the popular thing to say or if it’s going to be received lightly or at all, or that if it is the same as where you are in your own life.

needless to say, to hear all that he had to say was incredibly refreshing. and it made me feel like that there really was life beyond such horrid heartbreak, heartache, and just an achy feeling in general. for at least the past few days, i was able to think about something other than the last 6 months and of course, with a night like the one i had, how could i not? but, it showed me that i was able to have a night like the one i did because months ago i found it hard to get myself out of my bed. i’m not condoning my behavior in anyway because it was beyond me, it was everything unlike who i am and obviously some certain liquids help me feel a wee bit braver to make the decision i did but, in the end, it was my decision and i have no regrets.

i’ve been fighting myself for a very long time now. fighting against acceptance and forgiveness and letting go. i mean those three things i think about and talk about with myself all of the time and i’m not sure if i’ve done any of them but, i think i’m learning to. i think it’s these small steps i’m taking for myself that are allowing me to inch that much closer to each one of these things that are vital for all of our survivals.

so, all in all, this weekend was revolutionary in many ways. sure, i would have liked to come to some of these epiphanies in a different way but, this was my way maybe. i didn’t get exactly what i wanted but again, i’m not even sure what exactly that is. this guy told me he was in a transition time in his life, soul searching he called it. yeah yeah, don’t roll your eyes just yet but, i couldn’t have agreed more. i mean, i’ve never been in a more transition time of my life, i’ve never been in a place where i too have been looking for my soul and the ways to heal it. so, in the end we weren’t so different after all, just in different places in our different lives.  and i’m glad to say that the more i experience, the more i allow myself to experience, and the more i’m coming from an honest place. and that’s the only place i want to be.

there are things we don’t want to happen…but have to accept.

12 Oct

the title of today’s blog is a part a longer quote that i had gotten off of the fabulous show, criminal minds. the quote goes like this…

there are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept. things we don’t want to know but have to learn and people we can’t live without but have to let go.

 

and i have been thinking a lot about this particular quote for days now since i wrote it down on a whiteboard that hangs on a wall in my room. i love and hate everything about it because not only does it ring truth, but even when it does, i still struggle with it everyday. in the almost five months since i pretty much had a very hard crash down into reality, there are many things that i didn’t want to happen and have yet to really accept. and there are certainly things i didn’t want to know and have to learn from.

and to be quite honest, it really pisses me off. i hate that there are many things that i am going through right now that i just have to accept and that there are hard lessons for me to learn. i’m not opposed to the idea that these things had to happen because well in all truth, i am very much a willing participant in my own life but, i hate that they’re happening regardless. i hate how obsessive my mind has been these past months and how much i still let my mind wander to the things that just really don’t matter, have no bearing on my life now, and aren’t a reflection of the truth that i know. 

one of my best friends said something to me today that was just pure genius and just a real golden nugget that i hope i will never forget, ever. she said that i can develop the ability to see people behind their masks and that the truth that i know doesn’t have to undo my ability to match that with whatever current situation i may see instead of doing what i’m doing now. what i’m doing now is knowing the truth and then matching it with something different or better because that is what it may look like on the surface. it was like hitting the jackpot. a HUGE bell went off in my head. 

that is one of my BIGGEST problems which has lead to this obsessive thinking i have going on in my head. my mind is this fucking tornado swirling around with the memories of the past, the hurts of the present and the unknown of the future. many things that i don’t have control over except for the fact that i do have control over some things. this same friend of mine also told me that when these events come up (because they most certainly do) that i can ask myself if i really need to care about this thing, or if it’s just something that is pushing my button and that i don’t have to let it. 

being in the place that i’m at in my life with the knowledge of what i do know, it makes me incredibly angry. i can actually say that out loud. i feel an immense about of anger inside. i told my therapist that i feel like there are two different kind of people inside of me. one of which is a well-put together person, she knows what she wants, she knows who she is, and what she is worth and she’s just waiting for me. because she knows that someday i’m going to be there, i’m going to be her. and then the other one is just this child, adolescent even and she’s so angry, she’s raging all of the time. she’s saying the things out loud and doing the things that i have never allowed myself to do because i always tried to keep that part of me buried deep inside.

i always tried to keep her quiet or even worse, not acknowledge her or tell her that she was wrong. but, i’ve been learning that it’s not wrong to be angry. it’s not wrong to be angry at those who hurt you or that you don’t have to say nice things when there just isn’t one nice thing to say about them, or try to rationalize or give credit to their behavior as if it makes you a better person because you’re saying so. it doesn’t. so, because i never acknowledged her or tried to keep her quiet, she has come out in various ways the last few months that may have very well hindered my healing and allowed my hurt to penetrate every part of my being by mostly prolong my pain as well. but, even with that, she allowed me to acknowledge what i would have never before. she allowed me to be more human than i ever thought i could be. and i need that. 

because i want to heal. i want to let in healing because it’s just time. i’m ready to heal. i’m ready to move on. i’m ready to validate certain things about the way that i feel and know that it’s a perfectly healthy way to not only acknowledge my growth, but my ability to finally take care of myself. i feel like i know enough about what i do know to start to really heal, to understand what is good for me and what isn’t. i feel like i am between letting go and acceptance and it’s a hard place to be in. again, to know what i know, to know my own truth, to know the truth of the situation but, to still feel like when i look back i am somehow missing out on something, i am still missing someone, and i am still so unsure of just how to love myself and know that i am worthy despite what another has to say or has done to me.

you know, we all have a past. and sometimes our past, where we come from is just so fucked up. i don’t know what other way to say it. i don’t know if there is a real poetic way to say it either. sometimes where we start out at is just so fucked up and so are the people that are supposed to help us enter this world with the idea that we are going to be loved unconditionally, that we are wanted, that we are worthy and that we can trust people that are the closest to us because that’s how it’s supposed to be. we are supposed to have those things. but, like i said in the quote above that there are things that we don’t want but do have to accept and that unfortunately there are things that we don’t want to know but have to learn. 

it’s been a hard road. it’s been a long road. and it’s still not over yet. on a daily basis i find myself between emotional highs and vast lows, and every other feeling in-between. feelings of insecurity, doubt, anger, hatred, sickness, longing, loneliness, panic, fear, and then sometimes, however small it may be i am able to experience feelings of kindness, goodness, positivity, warmth, and hope. and i think that’s the thing i need to also remember amongst the backdrop of the delayed anger that i am apt to feeling, that i am indeed feeling things that may just put me on the other side of this.