Tag Archives: healing

time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

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there are things we don’t want to happen…but have to accept.

12 Oct

the title of today’s blog is a part a longer quote that i had gotten off of the fabulous show, criminal minds. the quote goes like this…

there are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept. things we don’t want to know but have to learn and people we can’t live without but have to let go.

 

and i have been thinking a lot about this particular quote for days now since i wrote it down on a whiteboard that hangs on a wall in my room. i love and hate everything about it because not only does it ring truth, but even when it does, i still struggle with it everyday. in the almost five months since i pretty much had a very hard crash down into reality, there are many things that i didn’t want to happen and have yet to really accept. and there are certainly things i didn’t want to know and have to learn from.

and to be quite honest, it really pisses me off. i hate that there are many things that i am going through right now that i just have to accept and that there are hard lessons for me to learn. i’m not opposed to the idea that these things had to happen because well in all truth, i am very much a willing participant in my own life but, i hate that they’re happening regardless. i hate how obsessive my mind has been these past months and how much i still let my mind wander to the things that just really don’t matter, have no bearing on my life now, and aren’t a reflection of the truth that i know. 

one of my best friends said something to me today that was just pure genius and just a real golden nugget that i hope i will never forget, ever. she said that i can develop the ability to see people behind their masks and that the truth that i know doesn’t have to undo my ability to match that with whatever current situation i may see instead of doing what i’m doing now. what i’m doing now is knowing the truth and then matching it with something different or better because that is what it may look like on the surface. it was like hitting the jackpot. a HUGE bell went off in my head. 

that is one of my BIGGEST problems which has lead to this obsessive thinking i have going on in my head. my mind is this fucking tornado swirling around with the memories of the past, the hurts of the present and the unknown of the future. many things that i don’t have control over except for the fact that i do have control over some things. this same friend of mine also told me that when these events come up (because they most certainly do) that i can ask myself if i really need to care about this thing, or if it’s just something that is pushing my button and that i don’t have to let it. 

being in the place that i’m at in my life with the knowledge of what i do know, it makes me incredibly angry. i can actually say that out loud. i feel an immense about of anger inside. i told my therapist that i feel like there are two different kind of people inside of me. one of which is a well-put together person, she knows what she wants, she knows who she is, and what she is worth and she’s just waiting for me. because she knows that someday i’m going to be there, i’m going to be her. and then the other one is just this child, adolescent even and she’s so angry, she’s raging all of the time. she’s saying the things out loud and doing the things that i have never allowed myself to do because i always tried to keep that part of me buried deep inside.

i always tried to keep her quiet or even worse, not acknowledge her or tell her that she was wrong. but, i’ve been learning that it’s not wrong to be angry. it’s not wrong to be angry at those who hurt you or that you don’t have to say nice things when there just isn’t one nice thing to say about them, or try to rationalize or give credit to their behavior as if it makes you a better person because you’re saying so. it doesn’t. so, because i never acknowledged her or tried to keep her quiet, she has come out in various ways the last few months that may have very well hindered my healing and allowed my hurt to penetrate every part of my being by mostly prolong my pain as well. but, even with that, she allowed me to acknowledge what i would have never before. she allowed me to be more human than i ever thought i could be. and i need that. 

because i want to heal. i want to let in healing because it’s just time. i’m ready to heal. i’m ready to move on. i’m ready to validate certain things about the way that i feel and know that it’s a perfectly healthy way to not only acknowledge my growth, but my ability to finally take care of myself. i feel like i know enough about what i do know to start to really heal, to understand what is good for me and what isn’t. i feel like i am between letting go and acceptance and it’s a hard place to be in. again, to know what i know, to know my own truth, to know the truth of the situation but, to still feel like when i look back i am somehow missing out on something, i am still missing someone, and i am still so unsure of just how to love myself and know that i am worthy despite what another has to say or has done to me.

you know, we all have a past. and sometimes our past, where we come from is just so fucked up. i don’t know what other way to say it. i don’t know if there is a real poetic way to say it either. sometimes where we start out at is just so fucked up and so are the people that are supposed to help us enter this world with the idea that we are going to be loved unconditionally, that we are wanted, that we are worthy and that we can trust people that are the closest to us because that’s how it’s supposed to be. we are supposed to have those things. but, like i said in the quote above that there are things that we don’t want but do have to accept and that unfortunately there are things that we don’t want to know but have to learn. 

it’s been a hard road. it’s been a long road. and it’s still not over yet. on a daily basis i find myself between emotional highs and vast lows, and every other feeling in-between. feelings of insecurity, doubt, anger, hatred, sickness, longing, loneliness, panic, fear, and then sometimes, however small it may be i am able to experience feelings of kindness, goodness, positivity, warmth, and hope. and i think that’s the thing i need to also remember amongst the backdrop of the delayed anger that i am apt to feeling, that i am indeed feeling things that may just put me on the other side of this.