Tag Archives: experiences

time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

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is anything ever really casual anymore? and more so…am i ready for that?

26 Nov

so, this weekend i may have indulged in the case of the “casuals” if you know what i mean. and it’s still something i’m a bit unsure of if it’s for me or not. i think in the end i know that it’s not because i want more but, i think finding myself in this situation also helped me to realize that i’m also nowhere ready to be in another serious relationship yet. so, i definitely went a bit outside of my box this weekend when i met someone and engaged in some casual, well, again, you know that i mean. i won’t be crude and go into detail but oh man…i can say it was definitely worth it.

but, i got a healthy and i think much-needed dose of reality when this said person and i had a frank discussion about what exactly was going to happen next. this person who by the way was very adult and hopefully genuine about his response that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, was wanting to be selfish and have time to himself and was about to dive head-first into a long-held career goal. and it’s funny too that i had been reading the great book called he’s just not that into you. and in this case, i think i would probably fall under that category and that’s fine. and it’s not as if it was that simple either, or maybe it was. this person had some real genuine life concerns that were happening and i understand that and maybe under different circumstances, things might be different.

i know, i know, i sound naive, right? that i was taken advantage of and that he’s giving me the old heeve-ho while trying to be nice? i don’t think so, and even so, it still leaves me where i’m at and that is that i agree with this guy, i too am not ready for anything serious. and the way i found that out was by doing what i’ve done a lot when getting out (or shoved out) of a not-so-great relationship, and that is to seek my happiness from yet another person. and i found myself doing that again in this situation. just by pondering, letting myself daydream a little about what it would look like to be in a relationship with this oh so fine gentleman (whoa ladies, if you saw this man, my goodness! he is quite the looker!) without really giving it a hard look of truth that hello, you just met the man and you met him under interesting circumstances which you never indulge in and hello, did i mention that i just met this person?

and i had a few moments of honesty with myself, whether it was talking to myself or talking with some great friends about it. that it was indeed coming from a place of loneliness and uncertainty, two places that well, SUCK. but, i could recognize that that is where i was operating from and that’s not the healthiest place to want to start anything with. i know it isn’t. i want to start something knowing i’m ready, knowing that i feel good about myself, i feel that i know what i’m worth and that i truly know that i won’t settle for anything less than what i really want. i have spent so much time counseling my girlfriends about being true to what they want and that they don’t necessarily have to mold that into what they want in hopes of finding a partner or love or whatever. and i know i too need to heed the same advice, right?

so, i thought i might be able to do this whole casual thing after having a conversation with this fine fella. he said he wanted to be able to hang out and indulge in what we had indulged in before (no details, sorry) but that he didn’t want things to escalate. and i asked him if that was him trying to watch out for me, for me not to get too attached or for him and he replied, that it was a mutual thing. for the both of us not to start to get attached, especially with the way he was feeling about certain things in his life and i told him he didn’t have to worry about me. but, as soon as i said that and i think i had also said that if anybody were to get attached, he didn’t have to worry about it being him because like i said he sounded pretty set in what he wanted for his current life or at the least the ability to find out what exactly he wanted, it would be me. and i knew i was right in saying that because it was true. i would most likely be the one to get attached, to start have feelings and what not because that’s who i am. i’ve never once stopped believing in the grand idea or allure of love, i’m just not sure if it believes in me at this moment.

but, having said that aloud to this person and to myself, i realize that it’s a good thing that i was met with his honesty which helped to really put me in my place of my own truth. and the truth is that no matter how good this weekend felt and oh man, did it feel good and it was what i really needed and wanted, i know that in the end i’m always going to be that girl who wants more and that’s okay with me. and i have to be okay with knowing that it isn’t always going to be with the person that pays you some attention, or the opportunity that looks like an opportunity because it isn’t always that. sure, this was an opportunity, and sure this guy is probably one fantastic catch but, he won’t be either for me and i’ve just got to be okay with it and i think i am.

you know, so many months ago i would be hounding myself day after day about what it is about me that didn’t make this guy just want to jump full head on into serious territory and what was it about who i was that just wasn’t making this opportunity go in the way that i wanted and all that self-flagellating bullshit. because that is exactly what it is, it’s bullshit. it’s not truth. there is nothing about me that makes this guy want to keep on with his own life plan and that is just doesn’t necessarily align with my own. there isn’t anything about me that is somehow wrong,i just just don’t fit with this guy at this time. and i think i’m finally okay with accepting that. that we are all in our own place in our life and sometimes when you meet people, you just meet them and that’s it. you have a moment and then the moment passes, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

because in this one moment that i had with this guy, it showed me a lot. taught me a lot. made me feel a lot. for one, i felt desired and i feel like it’s been such a long time to have felt that way, to have seen myself through someone else and that felt pretty damn good. and two, it taught me a lot about where i was in my own growth and that i’m doing just that, growing. and it’s a kind of growing that i wouldn’t have been able to do before either had i remained in the situation i was in. it also showed me about being adult and how honesty isn’t something that is dead. it was nice to finally meet someone who was in my age group and didn’t think that honesty was overrated when confronted with it. i mean, this guy could have very well told me a bunch of crap that would have led me to think we were going to be something, we would be embarking on some beautiful adventure with each other, and bla bla bla. sure, he may have let me down gently but, he still let me down. that’s the point. and that’s what i needed. i don’t need to be fed anymore bullshit by these verbal pleasers, i need someone who is going to be adult enough to tell me exactly where they are in their own life even if it means that it’s not the popular thing to say or if it’s going to be received lightly or at all, or that if it is the same as where you are in your own life.

needless to say, to hear all that he had to say was incredibly refreshing. and it made me feel like that there really was life beyond such horrid heartbreak, heartache, and just an achy feeling in general. for at least the past few days, i was able to think about something other than the last 6 months and of course, with a night like the one i had, how could i not? but, it showed me that i was able to have a night like the one i did because months ago i found it hard to get myself out of my bed. i’m not condoning my behavior in anyway because it was beyond me, it was everything unlike who i am and obviously some certain liquids help me feel a wee bit braver to make the decision i did but, in the end, it was my decision and i have no regrets.

i’ve been fighting myself for a very long time now. fighting against acceptance and forgiveness and letting go. i mean those three things i think about and talk about with myself all of the time and i’m not sure if i’ve done any of them but, i think i’m learning to. i think it’s these small steps i’m taking for myself that are allowing me to inch that much closer to each one of these things that are vital for all of our survivals.

so, all in all, this weekend was revolutionary in many ways. sure, i would have liked to come to some of these epiphanies in a different way but, this was my way maybe. i didn’t get exactly what i wanted but again, i’m not even sure what exactly that is. this guy told me he was in a transition time in his life, soul searching he called it. yeah yeah, don’t roll your eyes just yet but, i couldn’t have agreed more. i mean, i’ve never been in a more transition time of my life, i’ve never been in a place where i too have been looking for my soul and the ways to heal it. so, in the end we weren’t so different after all, just in different places in our different lives.  and i’m glad to say that the more i experience, the more i allow myself to experience, and the more i’m coming from an honest place. and that’s the only place i want to be.

about time.

16 Nov

the other day i caught an afternoon movie which was about time and it was aptly named, about time. it starred rachel mcadams who if you’ve been sitting beneath a rock gained her rise from fame from a little film called the notebook. anyway, it’s besides the point who is in the film. i just had to give her a shout-out cause i have a huge lady crush on her. 

so the film is all about time and how we use it and what we would do with it if we had the chance to go back and relive certain moments in our lives. and that is what the main character is faced with. he has the ability to do just that, go back in time to redo certain moments in just his life. he decides to go back into the past to change certain things but with inevitability, it changes things to the point where it’s undone the things that he wants. his goal is to get a girlfriend and that is when he meets the lovely mcadams. yet, when he tries to change certain things, it changes meeting her altogether. 

his dad says that when he decides to change certain things, he needs to change the things that will somehow make his life better. and that he does. he gets the girl and quite a lovely life with her, marriage, children, love and all. it was an incredibly sweet concept and executed very well or at least that is what i thought. and of course, it got me thinking or i wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. 

it got me thinking about time and the ability to change certain things and if i had the chance, would i? what would i we each give to change the things that have either brought us immense pain, or even pleasure, would we do it again or alter it in some way? and the film also got me thinking about how effectively am i using my current time. how much of me is being present and how much of me is still living in the past? 

to answer my first set of questions, would i go back and change certain things? oh God yes. yes, yes, and a thousand times yes. but, just like in the film, it has made me think that if i were to do that, how much would other things change? how much would i change and would i not have the opportunity to have learned as much as i have and experienced what i have? even with the pain, the immense pain, and the truly heartbreaking pain, it’s all growth, right? i mean i’m like anybody else who doesn’t really want to feel pain. it’s like seeing something on a menu and you think, eek, i don’t think that would taste very good, not sure how my stomach could handle that. i think that’s how we all look at pain. it’s not something we would actively swallow but it’s like that one time that you decide to step outside of your box, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to experience something new which just may include pain. 

so, although i would love to go back and change certain things just to avoid feeling the pain that i have, i know it wouldn’t do me any good. i wouldn’t be able to recognize growth, accept and welcome growth and live growth as i am right now. and in the long run, that’s what i want, that’s what i need. i think that’s what all people should want.

it’s funny to think about all the things we do and don’t do that decide what path we are going to go down. all the things that we accept and avoid lead to our experiences and it’s the result of those experience that make up how we see ourselves, our reactions, our motives, and pretty much everything else in-between. so, it makes me think about all my choices, and all the paths it has lead me down. i feel like every experience leads me down a new path, or maybe it is just one very long path with many detours and exits and on-ramps.

and i’m speaking to my current experience as well and how effectively i am using my current time. i know i could be using it more effectively in the sense where i am just focused on myself. i am learning that day-by-day and it’s a hard lesson. it shouldn’t be but it is because there is still some of me living in the past. thinking about all the things that have happened and the things that cannot be changed and maybe what i’d like to change. but, what would that really change? nothing, right? i mean it’s happened. it’s all about the coulda, woulda and shoulda. but that’s now and not then. so, what can i do to be more effective with my current time? what can i do to make my life better, right now, right in this moment, right in this present time? 

i think that is probably the simplest answer that anyone could answer and it’s in two parts: focus on myself and focus on myself in the present. be here right now, just in this moment, and in every moment from now on. and it’s not going to be easy because i am a person who lives her life very much by the things she regrets and wishes she could do different but, that is all apart of this growth, is it not? i need to learn to grow out of such things, and learn to accept them. it’s an old adage that we cannot change the things that have already happened and the only thing now in my control is what i do from here on out, that is what really matters. 

the past is exactly that, the past. something that has already occurred.and the present is where it’s all happening, and it’s not marred by the past either and that is another thing i need to accept. the past has made me strong, has allowed me to learn and continue on in spite of it. it doesn’t have to deter me into wayward thinking or that it influences who i’m going to be. one day, i hope to come to that acceptance and many more things. 

until then, it’s all about time…

welcome to wherever you are.

19 Oct

i’ve recently had an experience with, well, let’s just say a “blast from my past”. and it has made me think about so many things about our past experience, and my own current experience of what i’m going through or better yet, what i’m working through. and it’s been quite a revelation to say the least. it’s funny to think about the person that you once thought you were and it’s only when you see something from the past, you realize just how much you’ve changed, how much your circumstances have changed, and just how much life in general has changed. 

and it’s been this recent experience that has really made me realize and honor the place that i’m in, wherever that is. i can’t label it, i can’t put my finger on it but i am in a certain place in my life and it’s only been till this experience that i can really and truly know that it’s okay. that i don’t need to analyze it (or at least more so than i usually do), i don’t need to move it along any quicker and i don’t need to stop it either. i just need to be in this place.

you know i’ve never really been a big believer in this whole everything happens for a reason and i still honestly don’t believe that crap either (it actually annoys the shit out of me when people try to tell me that) but, for some reason, this recent experience has got me thinking about that very idea. i feel like this experience is a great learning curve for me, and it’s something to show me about trust. i don’t think about trust in other people quite yet (that’s still a work in progress) but, more so about trust in myself (again, another work in progress). trusting that i can be in a certain place without question, without reserve and without judgment. it’s about learning to trust that i am discovering what i really do want in my life and that it might not please everyone, but it may just please me and that’s what i need to do. i need to learn to please me. 

that’s a HUGE lesson this recent experience is trying to teach me. to really listen to myself and not question myself once i do. that sometimes i do truly know what is best for me and that any decisions i make are my own and that i don’t have to always make the best ones, or even the right ones, but the ones that i know that i can live with, the ones that will challenge me, the ones that will allow me to grow, the ones that will change me. 

going back to what i said earlier about how sometimes the past makes you realize just how much you’ve changed and how much the person you once thought you were just doesn’t exist anymore. yet, i think it’s also shown me about some things that i was questioning myself about and that i didn’t need to. that there are some hard truths about myself that haven’t really changed and that’s a good thing. that there are still pieces of the person i always thought i was still inside of me and that no experience, however harsh it was, could take that from me. i honor that now. 

but, i honor more the person that i am striving to be and the work i am willing to do to get to that person. it is no easy feat and i don’t think its meant to be. also i recognize and honor that not all answers can be pushed for or come to on your own time, that sometimes you arrive at the answers you’ve wanted the most at a time when you were least expecting it.

in conclusion, because of this experience i am welcoming myself…to wherever i am.