Tag Archives: being okay

it’s been a while.

23 Dec

it’s been seven months since we split and last night, you came to me in my dream. i didn’t expect to see you there, it’s been a while. only on rare occasions have i seen you there and for the most part, i’d rather not because i feel like i see you enough in my waking world with the memories that still surround me that when i close my eyes, i’d like some peace.but, the more i’m awake today, i feel like it’s okay that you were there.

i will tell you about my dream as if i am talking to you about it, like you were my friend which once upon a time, you were. so in my dream i had fallen in love with someone else which was surprising. not that i had fallen in love because, well, actually maybe that was surprising but i know that is what i want for myself again someday. but, i had fallen in love and it was with someone other than you yet, somehow you were still there. i mean literally there, right beside me and my new love. i don’t know if you two knew each other or what, but he seemed oblivious to your presence but, not me. you were talking (that country twang still so prevalent in your voice) and it was as if i was the only one to hear you. you were chatting us up but my new love wasn’t really paying attention but i was, it was like you were speaking directly to me.

then suddenly we were in some kind of underground room of some sort with metal picnic-like benches everywhere and we were still sitting on the ground just like before. i was in my partner’s lap and you were sitting on one of the benches with your wife. let’s just say she wasn’t as smart and incredibly loud in my dream which i’m assuming she isn’t like in real life (or so I hope) but you guys were happy and it felt…okay. it felt okay to watch from a distance your new life and mine as well. actually, i was living mine and it felt okay.

the next thing i know, i’m about to run a marathon. i felt prepared for it yet, when it came time to do it, i couldn’t really run. i was sluggish and falling behind. like my feet were stuck in concrete or something. i was running in a city and all the buildings around me were glass and above me, i could see you. you had just sat down in some cafeteria like place and i was drawn to you (just like i once was before so that didn’t surprise me). you were carrying around your military bag so i don’t know if you were going someplace or just coming back but either way, you were there and i had to see you. 

so i ran as fast as i could to where you were and when i got there, it was like everything had changed. you had changed. i had changed. our lives had changed. suddenly, you looked different, older. you were a grown man and i’d never seen you like that before. i felt like the only time i knew you was when you were a young spirit, a wild horse, someone unlike me at all. anyway, you were standing at some table and i approached you and you smiled at me. we still knew each other. or maybe we didn’t and you and i were just being friendly. but, you leaned in and kissed me on the forehead and when we pulled from one another, you just smiled. i don’t remember us saying anything but maybe say everything.

you were going to stay married, or you had continued to be married this whole time whether it was to the same person you’re married to now or not. but you had a whole life and so did i. i remember walking away feeling, i don’t know, just okay. like we had both grown into the people we had wanted to be. 

waking up, i felt extremely disturbed by this dream because you were in it. my heart was racing this morning and trying to go over it again and again. i know a part of it was because it felt bittersweet, like that was one of the only places i could see you because we have no contact, i don’t know how you live your life and i don’t know what kind of person you are right now so seeing you in a state like that really rattled me some.i think it was because again, you were once someone who meant so much to me and now you’re becoming but a memory, some good and some not. it felt like i was coming back to old memories of us and old feelings, the things that progressed our relationship in the first place.

i also think it rattled me because seeing you all grown up like that was surreal and to know that that was going to happen (if it does and I sincerely hope it does) without me. that our lives were going to go on as they were and without each other which i can freely admit at times is a hard pill to swallow but, just like in my dream and my waking life, i do know that that is okay and that is the very and only way it should be. don’t get me wrong, i’m still not a big believer in this whole “meant to be” business but, if this is how it is right now, then so be it because after all of these months all i’ve wanted to be was okay. i just wanted to find the strength to move on, i wanted to find the courage to discover who i was, and the ability to know that i can live the life that i want at my own standards and i feel like every day however hard a struggle it is, i am doing it and on my own terms finally. 

i have these days where i think back to you and me and all the things i wanted so badly and all the things i wish i could have done differently so that maybe you’d still be here but, quicker and quicker i’m shutting down those thoughts because i know that who i have become, the things that i have done in the time that you’ve been gone and the things that i so want to accomplish and will, i couldn’t have done those things had you still been in my life. however hard that is to think, and feel and say out loud but, it is the truth. sure, i’m not the exact person i want to be because that’s the thing about life, it’s all about growing but if i were still in the same situation i was when i was with you, i’d be so far from who i could be and that, well, that’s just not an option for me anymore. 

so, maybe this makes me sound pathetic and i’m sure some people will say it does because like i said, it’s been seven months now and i still have days where i think of you and i think of you and me. it’s bittersweet, painful, regretful, remorseful, confusing, complicated but…it is also okay. above all of those it is okay and that is something i know i couldn’t have said when this all started. i’m okay knowing that you’re okay and i’m okay knowing that i’m okay. and i don’t know about you but, i’m ready to start a new year and turn that okay into something more. 

so, if i don’t see you again whether it be in my dreams or elsewhere…happy new year to both you and me. 

knowing my truth.

23 Oct

i had another weekly session with my therapist today and as always, she asks me how i’m doing. i responded with an “i’m doing okay” and i actually am. it’s been a while for me to walk into her office and tell her that i’m doing okay because for a long time, i wasn’t. i couldn’t even utter those words. i think my response used to be that i didn’t know and that was honest too. but, now i am doing okay. 

today i talked to her about the fact that i’m alone and i wanted to explore this idea of being alone and what it actually means. so i’ve been alone now for five months but, it’s only been the last few weeks or month that i’ve really felt alone and that i’m just okay with it. but, sometimes when i’m deep in my thoughts and i’m thinking about a certain person, i wonder how okay i am with it? but, then i have to check in with myself which is what i told my therapist today too. i told her that that’s just me doing what i do best, think about the things that i can’t change and start to make comparisons and going back to good ole faithful, not feeling like i’m good enough and all that plethora of crap.

and i know none of that is allowing me to know my truth and the truth of the situation. so that is what i’ve been trying to do lately. when i feel myself going to those places where i start to ask unanswerable questions or start making comparisons, i tell myself to know my truth, to own my truth. and that truth has nothing to do with what has happened or what is going to happen. 

so, it’s made me think a lot about being alone now and how it’s okay but at the same time it’s not okay and that’s something i’m okay with admitting too. being alone is well, lonely. i feel like that makes sense, right? going from spending a lot of your time with someone and making certain plans to doing that on your own can be well, if you guessed lonely then you’re right on the money. yet the lonely isn’t something that is unbearable or unmanageable either, it is just where i’m at. it’s actually a place where i’ve been before and it’s a good place.

see, i’ve never been someone who has always had to be with someone. i’ve had very few serious relationships in my life and any relationship i did have, was just that, very serious. i am a very independent person and i’ve always liked that about myself for the most part. and it’s one of those things that i’m learning to get back to. getting back to the basics where i felt most like myself and where i felt the strongest. i allowed myself to get very involved this last year and get very serious about building and planning a future, mapping it all out, making the arrangements, and readying myself. but, as you might have guessed, life never asks you what you want. and it didn’t, not in this case.

so, i find myself using a lot of this time to do a whole helluva lot of reflection which is greatly needed. and of course i’m reflecting on being alone. i’ve been spending a lot of time at home just watching movies, tv shows, and hanging with the dog. i’ve been making dinners and drinking some very tasty wines. i’ve been trying to work out here and there and get out into the so-called sun (when it actually does grace us with its presence) to walk the dog. i’ve sort of been retreating into a little bit of a hermit stage but to be honest, i’m kind of enjoying it. it’s been a long time since i feel like i’ve spent any time with just myself and i used to do that all the time and so i’m trying to get back there. again, back to the basics. 

like i said before, i can’t lie that it isn’t a lonely feeling at times. i used to spend a lot of my time making dinners with someone, going out into the sun with someone, watching movies with someone and now i’m not. so, when i think of those things it makes me feel lonely. it makes me creep into those dark facets of my mind where he still exists. especially now since our lives are so different, even in the short time that has lapsed in-between when we both existed in the same time. 

it makes me wonder if being alone is a bad thing, is it? i feel like when i say those words outloud, it’s like i’m spreading some plague or that i’m allowing myself to fall into the category of some old lady spinster spending her saturday nights at home with her cat (my “cat” is actually a dog in this case) or that when people see me on the streets, they’re pitting my single status. and i’ve got to admit that i’ve even done that on occasion especially when i see all these lovey-dovey couples out there or hearing my friends talk about their significant others.

but, i bring myself back to the truth. and the truth is this…yes, i am alone. i have been alone before and who knows how long i’ll be alone. but, right now i am alone. it is lonely at times. but it is also liberating at times and freeing and peaceful too. and it’s not because i’m not catering to someone else or trying to make something work because trust me, that is what i want. i want a partner, i want to share my life with someone but, i’m okay right now with letting myself putting that kind of work into just myself. i’m not sure if i can ever say i’ve done that. sure, i’ve been alone before but, i’ve never put this kind of work into myself like i have been. and that is the best and only truth that i really need to know right now. 

so when i’m spending my saturday nights as some old lady spinster with her dog, i will probably feel the seeds of loneliness but i will also feel my truth and just keeping trying to know it and own it.