time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could? 

is anything ever really casual anymore? and more so…am i ready for that?

26 Nov

so, this weekend i may have indulged in the case of the “casuals” if you know what i mean. and it’s still something i’m a bit unsure of if it’s for me or not. i think in the end i know that it’s not because i want more but, i think finding myself in this situation also helped me to realize that i’m also nowhere ready to be in another serious relationship yet. so, i definitely went a bit outside of my box this weekend when i met someone and engaged in some casual, well, again, you know that i mean. i won’t be crude and go into detail but oh man…i can say it was definitely worth it.

but, i got a healthy and i think much-needed dose of reality when this said person and i had a frank discussion about what exactly was going to happen next. this person who by the way was very adult and hopefully genuine about his response that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, was wanting to be selfish and have time to himself and was about to dive head-first into a long-held career goal. and it’s funny too that i had been reading the great book called he’s just not that into you. and in this case, i think i would probably fall under that category and that’s fine. and it’s not as if it was that simple either, or maybe it was. this person had some real genuine life concerns that were happening and i understand that and maybe under different circumstances, things might be different.

i know, i know, i sound naive, right? that i was taken advantage of and that he’s giving me the old heeve-ho while trying to be nice? i don’t think so, and even so, it still leaves me where i’m at and that is that i agree with this guy, i too am not ready for anything serious. and the way i found that out was by doing what i’ve done a lot when getting out (or shoved out) of a not-so-great relationship, and that is to seek my happiness from yet another person. and i found myself doing that again in this situation. just by pondering, letting myself daydream a little about what it would look like to be in a relationship with this oh so fine gentleman (whoa ladies, if you saw this man, my goodness! he is quite the looker!) without really giving it a hard look of truth that hello, you just met the man and you met him under interesting circumstances which you never indulge in and hello, did i mention that i just met this person?

and i had a few moments of honesty with myself, whether it was talking to myself or talking with some great friends about it. that it was indeed coming from a place of loneliness and uncertainty, two places that well, SUCK. but, i could recognize that that is where i was operating from and that’s not the healthiest place to want to start anything with. i know it isn’t. i want to start something knowing i’m ready, knowing that i feel good about myself, i feel that i know what i’m worth and that i truly know that i won’t settle for anything less than what i really want. i have spent so much time counseling my girlfriends about being true to what they want and that they don’t necessarily have to mold that into what they want in hopes of finding a partner or love or whatever. and i know i too need to heed the same advice, right?

so, i thought i might be able to do this whole casual thing after having a conversation with this fine fella. he said he wanted to be able to hang out and indulge in what we had indulged in before (no details, sorry) but that he didn’t want things to escalate. and i asked him if that was him trying to watch out for me, for me not to get too attached or for him and he replied, that it was a mutual thing. for the both of us not to start to get attached, especially with the way he was feeling about certain things in his life and i told him he didn’t have to worry about me. but, as soon as i said that and i think i had also said that if anybody were to get attached, he didn’t have to worry about it being him because like i said he sounded pretty set in what he wanted for his current life or at the least the ability to find out what exactly he wanted, it would be me. and i knew i was right in saying that because it was true. i would most likely be the one to get attached, to start have feelings and what not because that’s who i am. i’ve never once stopped believing in the grand idea or allure of love, i’m just not sure if it believes in me at this moment.

but, having said that aloud to this person and to myself, i realize that it’s a good thing that i was met with his honesty which helped to really put me in my place of my own truth. and the truth is that no matter how good this weekend felt and oh man, did it feel good and it was what i really needed and wanted, i know that in the end i’m always going to be that girl who wants more and that’s okay with me. and i have to be okay with knowing that it isn’t always going to be with the person that pays you some attention, or the opportunity that looks like an opportunity because it isn’t always that. sure, this was an opportunity, and sure this guy is probably one fantastic catch but, he won’t be either for me and i’ve just got to be okay with it and i think i am.

you know, so many months ago i would be hounding myself day after day about what it is about me that didn’t make this guy just want to jump full head on into serious territory and what was it about who i was that just wasn’t making this opportunity go in the way that i wanted and all that self-flagellating bullshit. because that is exactly what it is, it’s bullshit. it’s not truth. there is nothing about me that makes this guy want to keep on with his own life plan and that is just doesn’t necessarily align with my own. there isn’t anything about me that is somehow wrong,i just just don’t fit with this guy at this time. and i think i’m finally okay with accepting that. that we are all in our own place in our life and sometimes when you meet people, you just meet them and that’s it. you have a moment and then the moment passes, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

because in this one moment that i had with this guy, it showed me a lot. taught me a lot. made me feel a lot. for one, i felt desired and i feel like it’s been such a long time to have felt that way, to have seen myself through someone else and that felt pretty damn good. and two, it taught me a lot about where i was in my own growth and that i’m doing just that, growing. and it’s a kind of growing that i wouldn’t have been able to do before either had i remained in the situation i was in. it also showed me about being adult and how honesty isn’t something that is dead. it was nice to finally meet someone who was in my age group and didn’t think that honesty was overrated when confronted with it. i mean, this guy could have very well told me a bunch of crap that would have led me to think we were going to be something, we would be embarking on some beautiful adventure with each other, and bla bla bla. sure, he may have let me down gently but, he still let me down. that’s the point. and that’s what i needed. i don’t need to be fed anymore bullshit by these verbal pleasers, i need someone who is going to be adult enough to tell me exactly where they are in their own life even if it means that it’s not the popular thing to say or if it’s going to be received lightly or at all, or that if it is the same as where you are in your own life.

needless to say, to hear all that he had to say was incredibly refreshing. and it made me feel like that there really was life beyond such horrid heartbreak, heartache, and just an achy feeling in general. for at least the past few days, i was able to think about something other than the last 6 months and of course, with a night like the one i had, how could i not? but, it showed me that i was able to have a night like the one i did because months ago i found it hard to get myself out of my bed. i’m not condoning my behavior in anyway because it was beyond me, it was everything unlike who i am and obviously some certain liquids help me feel a wee bit braver to make the decision i did but, in the end, it was my decision and i have no regrets.

i’ve been fighting myself for a very long time now. fighting against acceptance and forgiveness and letting go. i mean those three things i think about and talk about with myself all of the time and i’m not sure if i’ve done any of them but, i think i’m learning to. i think it’s these small steps i’m taking for myself that are allowing me to inch that much closer to each one of these things that are vital for all of our survivals.

so, all in all, this weekend was revolutionary in many ways. sure, i would have liked to come to some of these epiphanies in a different way but, this was my way maybe. i didn’t get exactly what i wanted but again, i’m not even sure what exactly that is. this guy told me he was in a transition time in his life, soul searching he called it. yeah yeah, don’t roll your eyes just yet but, i couldn’t have agreed more. i mean, i’ve never been in a more transition time of my life, i’ve never been in a place where i too have been looking for my soul and the ways to heal it. so, in the end we weren’t so different after all, just in different places in our different lives.  and i’m glad to say that the more i experience, the more i allow myself to experience, and the more i’m coming from an honest place. and that’s the only place i want to be.

about time.

16 Nov

the other day i caught an afternoon movie which was about time and it was aptly named, about time. it starred rachel mcadams who if you’ve been sitting beneath a rock gained her rise from fame from a little film called the notebook. anyway, it’s besides the point who is in the film. i just had to give her a shout-out cause i have a huge lady crush on her. 

so the film is all about time and how we use it and what we would do with it if we had the chance to go back and relive certain moments in our lives. and that is what the main character is faced with. he has the ability to do just that, go back in time to redo certain moments in just his life. he decides to go back into the past to change certain things but with inevitability, it changes things to the point where it’s undone the things that he wants. his goal is to get a girlfriend and that is when he meets the lovely mcadams. yet, when he tries to change certain things, it changes meeting her altogether. 

his dad says that when he decides to change certain things, he needs to change the things that will somehow make his life better. and that he does. he gets the girl and quite a lovely life with her, marriage, children, love and all. it was an incredibly sweet concept and executed very well or at least that is what i thought. and of course, it got me thinking or i wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. 

it got me thinking about time and the ability to change certain things and if i had the chance, would i? what would i we each give to change the things that have either brought us immense pain, or even pleasure, would we do it again or alter it in some way? and the film also got me thinking about how effectively am i using my current time. how much of me is being present and how much of me is still living in the past? 

to answer my first set of questions, would i go back and change certain things? oh God yes. yes, yes, and a thousand times yes. but, just like in the film, it has made me think that if i were to do that, how much would other things change? how much would i change and would i not have the opportunity to have learned as much as i have and experienced what i have? even with the pain, the immense pain, and the truly heartbreaking pain, it’s all growth, right? i mean i’m like anybody else who doesn’t really want to feel pain. it’s like seeing something on a menu and you think, eek, i don’t think that would taste very good, not sure how my stomach could handle that. i think that’s how we all look at pain. it’s not something we would actively swallow but it’s like that one time that you decide to step outside of your box, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to experience something new which just may include pain. 

so, although i would love to go back and change certain things just to avoid feeling the pain that i have, i know it wouldn’t do me any good. i wouldn’t be able to recognize growth, accept and welcome growth and live growth as i am right now. and in the long run, that’s what i want, that’s what i need. i think that’s what all people should want.

it’s funny to think about all the things we do and don’t do that decide what path we are going to go down. all the things that we accept and avoid lead to our experiences and it’s the result of those experience that make up how we see ourselves, our reactions, our motives, and pretty much everything else in-between. so, it makes me think about all my choices, and all the paths it has lead me down. i feel like every experience leads me down a new path, or maybe it is just one very long path with many detours and exits and on-ramps.

and i’m speaking to my current experience as well and how effectively i am using my current time. i know i could be using it more effectively in the sense where i am just focused on myself. i am learning that day-by-day and it’s a hard lesson. it shouldn’t be but it is because there is still some of me living in the past. thinking about all the things that have happened and the things that cannot be changed and maybe what i’d like to change. but, what would that really change? nothing, right? i mean it’s happened. it’s all about the coulda, woulda and shoulda. but that’s now and not then. so, what can i do to be more effective with my current time? what can i do to make my life better, right now, right in this moment, right in this present time? 

i think that is probably the simplest answer that anyone could answer and it’s in two parts: focus on myself and focus on myself in the present. be here right now, just in this moment, and in every moment from now on. and it’s not going to be easy because i am a person who lives her life very much by the things she regrets and wishes she could do different but, that is all apart of this growth, is it not? i need to learn to grow out of such things, and learn to accept them. it’s an old adage that we cannot change the things that have already happened and the only thing now in my control is what i do from here on out, that is what really matters. 

the past is exactly that, the past. something that has already occurred.and the present is where it’s all happening, and it’s not marred by the past either and that is another thing i need to accept. the past has made me strong, has allowed me to learn and continue on in spite of it. it doesn’t have to deter me into wayward thinking or that it influences who i’m going to be. one day, i hope to come to that acceptance and many more things. 

until then, it’s all about time…

Quote

Things don’t go…

14 Nov

Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

– Charlie Jones

life will sometimes make you its bitch.

11 Nov

PATH TO SUCCESS: DREAM. PLAN. DO. FAIL. NEVER GIVE UP. FAIL. NEVER GIVE UP. FAIL. NEVER GIVE UP. ACHIEVE! IT’S A MESSY JOURNEY- Tom Giaquinto 

i love the quote that i put at the top of today’s blog. because that guy said it correctly, this whole success journey or just the journey of life is fucking messy. and i pretty much could end tonight’s blog on that note but, for my own sake, i will keep on writing. it’s been a hard week. i traveled to florida in hopes of obtaining a certain job. i made it into both rounds with this interview and i oddly felt confident by the time round two came along, in the sense that i felt like i knew what i was saying and knew what to say and i knew that it did highlight the kind of person i would be if hired with this company. seems like all was going well until they brought me back in to go over the interview and their only reason to not hire me…my tattoo. apparently they have a policy that they don’t want employees with visible tattoos. my tattoo which says let it be (of all things) is on my inner right wrist. it’s less than an inch long and not even visible unless i turn my wrist over. unfortunately for me, they were not keen on the idea of me using jewelry or a long-sleeved shirt to cover it up.

so, pretty much i went back to my sister’s house (they live in florida as well so the whole trip wasn’t in fact a waste) with my tail between my legs. it was very hard for me to see this opportunity as a win considering i didn’t in fact leave with employment. my sister told me to see it like this, there wasn’t anything about my abilities or my resume or my background that was in question, that they wanted to hire me but with the one exception. which she says is a good thing, that i am obviously qualified and should be proud of that. that it wasn’t a total loss coming all the way here, that this was another opportunity to help me prepare for other opportunities and that there is something bigger and better just waiting for me.

hm…well, if you know anything about me by now, you will know that i can be more of a pessimist than an optimist. and i don’t know if i always used to be like that or if this is a new thing but i gotta say, two months and counting of not working plus months of just feeling like i was being shat on, well, let’s just say this isn’t the best time i’ve had in my life. i think this is where i could quite possibly insert that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. whoever said that already got to the strong part, i feel like i’m being squished between being killed and being stronger. i mean, how much rejection can one person take? it’s almost become a daily ritual for me to open my email to see yet another rejection email or someone is more qualified email or this position has been filled email. when am i going to get the, hey you’re so awesome, we must hire you immediately email!

my father called me the other day to tell me he was disappointed for me and that he was having a hard time sleeping just thinking about the disappointment i felt. but, he told me what my sister told me that he truly believed that something bigger and better was waiting for me and that i shouldn’t give up hope. that i need to take this opportunity for what it was and move forward with it knowing that in time, i will find something. it was very kind, generous and uplifting for him to tell me such things. again, not sure if i believe him. or maybe i’m just unsure of why he believes me in so much or why others do when i feel like i’ve not done even half of the things that i want to do and i ain’t getting any younger. 

i guess it all boils down to how we believe. is belief the product of not being able to see something but knowing it’s there anyway or is it the other way around? do we need to see something happen, proof of life, to know that then and only then you can believe in it? i’ve always thought it was the former but, i’m not too sure these days. i feel like i want proof, proof that something, anything is going to happen. and i don’t mean anything, but something good, something beneficial to me. don’t get me wrong here, i don’t think i deserve anything more than anyone else nor do i think that anything is owed to me. but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to believe that good people can have good things too. 

i want to know that there truly is something bigger and better waiting for me and in many aspects of my life. i’ve never been a believer in the whole “if it’s meant to be” business and i’m still not but, i wonder if it has any merit in my current life? to not be getting exactly what i want or when i want it. yet, i understand the fundamentals of life that we just don’t always get what we want but is that because we weren’t meant to have certain things at certain times or what? i think one of my problems is that i want so desperately to explain certain things that just can’t be, at least not in any plain explainable terms. 

things happen, people disappoint you, you disappoint yourself, you win, you fail, you FAIL big time, you lose, you get lost and about every other thing that doesn’t go your way will happen. at least that has been in my experience. i’ve failed more times than i have been successful but, i think at the end of all things the point is to say that i’m still here. i’m still here to tell the tale and that is what i have been trying to tell myself as i try to soothe over this latest sting. 

and i’m just going to keep on trying. it’s not that i don’t know defeat in my book. trust me, i know it really well and i’ve let it rule me at times, very much so. but, i’m going to keep on getting up. i figure what is the alternative? throw in the towel and just let this world swallow me up? not with everything that i want to do and not with everything that i think i know that i am. i want a lot of things out of life and i feel like i’ve got the stamina to produce those things and so all i’ve got to do is just believe…this time it may just be without seeing any evidence to the contrary. 

but, it’s like the quote said at the beginning of this post, that we must fail and never give up and then do that all over again. i figure, i’m right on track…

Aside

two steps forward…one million steps back.

4 Nov

last night i had a bit of a relapse. after two months of not looking at anything directly related to someone from my past, i thought i’d give it a try to see how i felt. i thought maybe enough time had passed and i would feel different and to a certain extent, i did and i do but, maybe just not enough.

and to have seen what i did see was well, hurtful i guess. someone made a comment about me in an indirect way and this person and the new person in his life made a comment about it and well, like i said, it just hurt. i want to get a place where when things like that are said that it really doesn’t bother me or affect me in any way. but, when i was talking to a girlfriend about this, she said that we are human and we are never going to get to an emotional place where when someone says something offensive about us that we aren’t going to be offended by it. and i understand that but, i guess i also need to accept that what i did see or what was said about me has no relation to who i am and that this person is the last person that would ever have any say over who i am.

my sister told me that. she said i don’t need to be validated by anybody, and especially someone who isn’t even a stand-up person to begin with and that in the end, it doesn’t matter if he’s suddenly a better person to the new person in his life, or whatever because it no longer has any bearing on what i’m doing with my life. i cannot change what has happened and i also have no control on what is going to be said or told. and she’s right. she really is.

and i’m pissed off at myself for allowing myself for one to back down this road. sure, i like familiar but, not when the familiar is lined up with razor blades slowly cutting me as i drag my sorry ass down the damn thing. and i’m so pissed to even think for one second that anything had changed. to think that maybe this person is better than that and they wouldn’t feel the need to feed into comments like the one that i saw, or the need to continually put me down as if i was in the wrong here somehow. i’m not a perfect person, i wasn’t then, i’m not now and i never will be but, in this relationship, i never, ever hurt this person. i can honestly say that i know the truth and the truth is that the only fault i had was just loving this person so incredibly that it allowed me to stay attached for that long and then some.

i know we all play our parts in relationships, whatever kind they may be and i know my part in this relationship. and i own it too. i feel like this person from my past hasn’t done that and maybe they don’t need to. i mean that is their prerogative and their choice entirely and i hate to even say it that i just hate how i’m being displayed. as though i was this terrible person, i was the one making bad choices and that i was the one doing the hurting. i was doing none of those things yet, when i see comments like the one that was made and others, i feel like anything but a good person.

but, like my sister said, does it matter? does it have anything to do with what i know about my experience with this person, does it change the truth, does it change the past, or does it have any impact on what i’m looking to do with my life right now? i guess i can answer a simple “no” to all of these questions. it doesn’t and i know that intellectually and it pisses me off that i have had to spend the time that i do analyzing it as i have, now writing this blog about it, and going to have to nap later to get it out of my mind. because in the end, it does. not. matter.

why do we spend so much time and energy pouring ourselves into the things that do nothing but drain us, question our abilities, and halt us in our progress? that is what i feel like right at this moment. i feel frozen again in my pain, feels like i’ve taken a million steps backwards even if that isn’t entirely the case and all i want to do is just bolt full speed ahead as far from this as possible. and mostly, i just don’t want to give a fuck. i don’t want to care about this person, i don’t want to care about what he has to say or the opinions of those who know nothing about what really happened or anything about me.

and i’m going to try to hold true to that. i’m going to try to keep on owning my truth. that’s all i really can do. this is one person’s opinion and it’s this particular person’s opinion and the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me. and i need to know that, more than anything. i need not let this person’s opinion outweigh what a hundred other people would say about me, people that really know me. i won’t let this one person define who i am.

my therapist told me that i don’t need to punish myself about this. yes, i took a step backwards but, that’s okay. i need to be kind to myself, if i needed anything right now, it’s kindness for myself. and i agree with her that it’s been in the times when i’ve been the most unkind to myself that that is when i start acting out. feeling the need and urge to want to punish myself further. and i feel like i’ve done enough of that for a lifetime. i want to turn this around quicker than i usually would. i don’t want to find myself sitting in bed, exhausted because my brain has been doing overtime on trying to analyze this crap to death.

it is what it is and it always has been. this person is who they are and they surround themselves with the people they do. and i can’t change that. i can’t control what is going to be said or not said. that’s just out of my power and i’ve got to accept that. but, i do have the control and power to know just how much pain i’m willing to put myself through and for how long and i just can’t do this to myself anymore. i thought two months was good enough, and it’s just not. and maybe there isn’t going to be a time limit where it will be enough, it may never be enough but, i know that i will know when i start to feel like these kinds of things are exactly what they are and that…is someone else’s truth…not mine.

come sit by me past…if you must.

3 Nov

there are more days now that i feel better than i have in a long time. that i can reflect on what i’ve been through and take a real account of what i’ve learned, what i’ve changed, how much i’ve grown, and where i want to go. yet, i still have the days when the past has somewhat of a ninja grip on me and i don’t know if it sometimes has direct relation to what is going on in my present or the fears of my future.

recently i thought i might be able to partake in something “casual” i suppose i will call it but, then it came to my attention that maybe i just couldn’t. i don’t know if i’m the kind of girl that is cut out for “casual”. because in the long run i know that i am someone who is looking for that true love and engaging in something casual just doesn’t seem like it fits into that category. and to say that i came about this decision on my own is well, it’s not the untruth but, it came about because this whole casual thing just sort of fell apart rather quickly because i guess said person just lost interest in continuing with this whole casual thing. i mean a few days and no call?!? yeah, that’s losing interest, right?

so, usually i would be hurt and not to say that i’m not but, i thought to myself that i’ve got to look at this from a different angle or it’s going to eat me up. for the first day it sort of did but, i’m really surprised at myself just the turn around i’ve had about the situation which is the quickest revelation i think i’ve ever had with something like this. sure, i had those penetrating thoughts about what happened, what did i do, what is he thinking, etc., etc., etc. and then i thought to myself and very loudly…WHO CARES?!? i mean, really, who does?!?

it’s not me. i’m not going to blame myself for one engaging in something that might have proven to be fun and for a very short time, it sort of was. and i wasn’t going to blame myself for someone else deciding something about me or the situation without proper communication or with judgment of their own. that’s not up to me and i don’t have to take the blame for that. if we are to be honest with ourselves and be present as much as we can, i can say that we are just who we are at this time. this person is who he is and who he is is a person who can’t engage in this casual thing for one reason or another and it’s lead me to believe the same thing.

and it did much more for me too. it was a way for me to test myself. to see what boundaries i could draw and what lessons i could possibly learn about myself, and what i wanted and what i didn’t want. i know in the long run, i don’t want casual. i want commitment, i want longevity, i want someone who is going to go the distance.

so, i guess you could say that this situation had me thinking about the past and quite in depth today, maybe more so than usual. and i almost tripped on myself and made myself take twenty million steps backwards. those lingering questions of what happened there, what did i do, etc. etc. etc. made me want to revisit my past. made me want to find a particular person and see their newfound happiness as it has been a couple of months since i last did that. and it’s been a huge hurdle for me and a struggle at the same time.

i know that when or if people read this they will be thinking why is it such a struggle? what does looking at the past do for me now in the present? and they’re asking all the right questions and i’m never sure if i have the right answers. i would say it’s cause i’m curious, it’s cause i’m still hurting, and it’s cause i want to know if there is any validation to my own life. and i know what you’re going to say again, how does the past validate anything that is happening now? and especially with a situation like mine? my past is the LAST thing that could ever validate what is going on in my present right now.

and i know that is a piece of truth that i really need to hold onto very tightly or i’m not going to continue to make the progress that i feel like i have been making and wish to continue to make. i don’t want to yearn for the past just because my present is sort of up in the air as is my future. some might call that a blessing. to be in a position where i have many options and opportunities to take advantage of, to not have everything so mapped out, and to possibly have some adventure. my sister always says that i have the world at my feet and the world is my oyster. cliche i know but, she really believes what she says when it comes to my life. and i give her credit for believing in it so much, maybe even more so than me at times.

i can’t deny that i don’t know the answers to just how long it’s going to take me to really get over what once was and what won’t be. i mean it’s the sting of rejection, a life not lived, something passing you by, and the idea of unworthiness. it’s all those things for me, but if you were to ask someone, they’d probably tell you that i also wasn’t the best judge of how i should analyze my own past. and they might be right but for now, that is my most honest answer about just how long my past might exist in my present.

yet, i feel it little by little, inch by inch, slowly but surely making its way out. it has a place here i won’t lie because it’s almost a gage for me in some way, or a reminder so that i don’t forget the pain, i don’t forget what hardship means to me and so that i can see a little further ahead of it to know that there is indeed something ahead of it. so i want to keep my past here, but i don’t want to let it rule me. so everyday i am going to try my best. i am going to breathe, be grateful for what i do have, seek out the opportunities that i can have and never forget at my core who i am, where i’ve been and where i could go.