this adulthood thing is hard. do they tell you that as a kid and we just don’t listen?

5 Feb

it’s been too long since i wrote on my blog. i really do need to be more consistent with this thing as i know it always helps and it’ll help to stop making me look like a crazy person, wandering the streets talking to myself (well, sort of). and so to write all the things that have happened in the last month, i’ve put my headphones in so i can concentrate on just this one task and let everything else fade away. it ist much-needed as i find myself a bit heavy with thoughts. 

so, the last time i wrote you guys was to inform you that i started online dating. it was interesting then and it still is. i mean seeing your ex-boyfriend who is currently married on a dating website, well let’s say it didn’t quite boost my confidence about joining this whole new world. but i tried to take my sister’s advice and stick to it. so, because of it, i have met some people. one of which i feel like i completely blew and the other, i’m questioning. 

the first guy i met was great. i actually still think he’s great and have affection for him but, i think i may have revealed a little too much too soon and he pretty much ran for the hills. well, we won’t say that exactly but, whatever happened, it made me rethink exactly what he wanted right now and what he was willing to give and for right now, he just isn’t sure. and because of that, it was best that we part ways. can’t say that i haven’t been beating myself up a little bit about the whole thing, feeling like i might have scared off a potentially good one but, there’s nothing i can really do. i don’t regret being honest about who i am, where i’m coming from and what i’m ultimately looking for.

although, according to my oldest sister, she did tell me some wise words of advice which may prove to be useful in the future. assuming i actually take it which let’s be honest, seems not often enough. she told me that although there is nothing wrong with being myself and that i want to be just myself, that in possibly revealing my cards too soon that i am missing out on the fun that dating can be apparently. that it’s not allowing me to let things develop naturally and organically as they should. she said i am a control freak (couldn’t really disagree with that) and being in the dating world is extra scary for me because it’s one of the least controlling environments that one can find themselves in and she’s right about that. 

so, it wasn’t as if she was talking out of her ass. she really wasn’t. she does know a two or thing about dating and three or four things about me if not more. she is my big sister after all. it’s not as if i have to not be myself when dating but, i guess i could learn to curb some more of my annoying habits right out of the gate but, you know, after today’s therapy session which honestly couldn’t have come at a better time, it was confirmed that a lot of dating faux pas lately have been due to well, you heard it here, being afraid. well, that was a no-brainer, wasn’t it? here i think that guys do things subconsciously when really, maybe i too am guilty of doing said things.

i want to just hurry up and establish what a relationship is and exactly how a person feels about me so that i know i won’t get hurt. it’s as if i know all of their intentions right up front and their plans and how they feel about me, i will be in the clear. i will be safe. but, you and i both know that that just isn’t true and that just isn’t life either. to think that we can somehow cleverly outrun old hurts and our past demons is for me to think that i can also drink fire and poop gold at the same time or at all. it just won’t happen. 

my therapist told me that because of my fear of getting hurt and somehow irrationally thinking that what i want in a partner, ask for in a partner/relationship will never be met, i find myself rushing to get anything but, or putting myself in situations where i can only get some needs met and not permanently. she told me that to want what i want isn’t irrational at all or even unrealistic. and because i also didn’t get certain needs met as a child with my mother, i always feel like i may not get those and how could i ever get them from a man if i couldn’t ever get them from my own mother. i guess i’d never really thought about it from that perspective which was surprising to my because i thought i had dissected my relationship with my mother until it could no longer be done. but, i guess not. 

so, that now leads me to where i’m currently at. i’m now seeing this other guy that i had met around the same time as the one that just flew the coop (yeah yeah that may not be the exact case but i like to be dramatic and embellish my temporary pain). we just had our second date the other night and it was great. we’ve always had a great rapport and get along very well and very easily. needless to say, i find myself wanting to know more about him and where this could possibly lead. he was very honest with me about where he is in his life. he’s very unsure if he wants to pursue anything serious at this time due to the conflicting nature of his job which will put him overseas in possibly in the next 5 to 9 months which his mind is made up that he will not carry on a long-distance relationship for the time he is gone because he won’t put anyone through that nor himself after having had a bad experience. i didn’t blame him nor could i change his mind and i’m not supposed to. that’s not my job.

so, in a way no matter where this “relationship” goes, it may very well go to splitsville because of his wants and the only job i have is to decide what i want. is that something i can live with? can i just do something fun and enjoyable for now without expectations? and i don’t know. this is the thing about me, i live very much in the black and white. and we all know that life is hardly anything but. it’s mostly in the gray or the other colors in-between. and i think so much about either being all in or all out but, am i missing out if i can’t put myself in the middle where some of life’s experiences are happening, and may very well be vital to me?

i told this person last night that i am interested in continuing to see him and going with the flow but, as i’ve thought more and more about it today, i’m not sure if that’s really what i want. but, i feel like i’m telling myself that i can’t have fun. that i can’t just live without putting so much pressure on myself and these experiences, thinking i can only get one resolution from it. i feel like if i go through with this then somehow i’m moving further away from what i really want but that’s the thing that my therapist said, that i can’t think that just because i allow myself fun, i allow myself the company of someone without expectation that somehow i’m not going to get my needs met, whether they be with this person or someone down the line.

i thought at the end of this blog, i might have my mind made up but, i don’t. i will just have to live with that. i don’t know if it’s about being present which i try to do at all times, or if it’s just knowing that what i want is okay to want and that i will get it. and that it’s okay to wade myself through this journey for it is just that, a journey. we shall see. 

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