Archive | December, 2013

it’s been a while.

23 Dec

it’s been seven months since we split and last night, you came to me in my dream. i didn’t expect to see you there, it’s been a while. only on rare occasions have i seen you there and for the most part, i’d rather not because i feel like i see you enough in my waking world with the memories that still surround me that when i close my eyes, i’d like some peace.but, the more i’m awake today, i feel like it’s okay that you were there.

i will tell you about my dream as if i am talking to you about it, like you were my friend which once upon a time, you were. so in my dream i had fallen in love with someone else which was surprising. not that i had fallen in love because, well, actually maybe that was surprising but i know that is what i want for myself again someday. but, i had fallen in love and it was with someone other than you yet, somehow you were still there. i mean literally there, right beside me and my new love. i don’t know if you two knew each other or what, but he seemed oblivious to your presence but, not me. you were talking (that country twang still so prevalent in your voice) and it was as if i was the only one to hear you. you were chatting us up but my new love wasn’t really paying attention but i was, it was like you were speaking directly to me.

then suddenly we were in some kind of underground room of some sort with metal picnic-like benches everywhere and we were still sitting on the ground just like before. i was in my partner’s lap and you were sitting on one of the benches with your wife. let’s just say she wasn’t as smart and incredibly loud in my dream which i’m assuming she isn’t like in real life (or so I hope) but you guys were happy and it felt…okay. it felt okay to watch from a distance your new life and mine as well. actually, i was living mine and it felt okay.

the next thing i know, i’m about to run a marathon. i felt prepared for it yet, when it came time to do it, i couldn’t really run. i was sluggish and falling behind. like my feet were stuck in concrete or something. i was running in a city and all the buildings around me were glass and above me, i could see you. you had just sat down in some cafeteria like place and i was drawn to you (just like i once was before so that didn’t surprise me). you were carrying around your military bag so i don’t know if you were going someplace or just coming back but either way, you were there and i had to see you. 

so i ran as fast as i could to where you were and when i got there, it was like everything had changed. you had changed. i had changed. our lives had changed. suddenly, you looked different, older. you were a grown man and i’d never seen you like that before. i felt like the only time i knew you was when you were a young spirit, a wild horse, someone unlike me at all. anyway, you were standing at some table and i approached you and you smiled at me. we still knew each other. or maybe we didn’t and you and i were just being friendly. but, you leaned in and kissed me on the forehead and when we pulled from one another, you just smiled. i don’t remember us saying anything but maybe say everything.

you were going to stay married, or you had continued to be married this whole time whether it was to the same person you’re married to now or not. but you had a whole life and so did i. i remember walking away feeling, i don’t know, just okay. like we had both grown into the people we had wanted to be. 

waking up, i felt extremely disturbed by this dream because you were in it. my heart was racing this morning and trying to go over it again and again. i know a part of it was because it felt bittersweet, like that was one of the only places i could see you because we have no contact, i don’t know how you live your life and i don’t know what kind of person you are right now so seeing you in a state like that really rattled me some.i think it was because again, you were once someone who meant so much to me and now you’re becoming but a memory, some good and some not. it felt like i was coming back to old memories of us and old feelings, the things that progressed our relationship in the first place.

i also think it rattled me because seeing you all grown up like that was surreal and to know that that was going to happen (if it does and I sincerely hope it does) without me. that our lives were going to go on as they were and without each other which i can freely admit at times is a hard pill to swallow but, just like in my dream and my waking life, i do know that that is okay and that is the very and only way it should be. don’t get me wrong, i’m still not a big believer in this whole “meant to be” business but, if this is how it is right now, then so be it because after all of these months all i’ve wanted to be was okay. i just wanted to find the strength to move on, i wanted to find the courage to discover who i was, and the ability to know that i can live the life that i want at my own standards and i feel like every day however hard a struggle it is, i am doing it and on my own terms finally. 

i have these days where i think back to you and me and all the things i wanted so badly and all the things i wish i could have done differently so that maybe you’d still be here but, quicker and quicker i’m shutting down those thoughts because i know that who i have become, the things that i have done in the time that you’ve been gone and the things that i so want to accomplish and will, i couldn’t have done those things had you still been in my life. however hard that is to think, and feel and say out loud but, it is the truth. sure, i’m not the exact person i want to be because that’s the thing about life, it’s all about growing but if i were still in the same situation i was when i was with you, i’d be so far from who i could be and that, well, that’s just not an option for me anymore. 

so, maybe this makes me sound pathetic and i’m sure some people will say it does because like i said, it’s been seven months now and i still have days where i think of you and i think of you and me. it’s bittersweet, painful, regretful, remorseful, confusing, complicated but…it is also okay. above all of those it is okay and that is something i know i couldn’t have said when this all started. i’m okay knowing that you’re okay and i’m okay knowing that i’m okay. and i don’t know about you but, i’m ready to start a new year and turn that okay into something more. 

so, if i don’t see you again whether it be in my dreams or elsewhere…happy new year to both you and me. 

Let Someone Love You Just As You Are

23 Dec

i love this and need to tell myself this ❤

Positive Outlooks Blog

Let someone love you just as you are. As flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you might feel, as unaccomplished you might think you are; let someone love you just as you are. And let that someone be YOU. — Sandra Kring

sandra5

&nbsp

View original post

time to come back to me.

6 Dec

so we’ve now entered december and i can’t believe it’s almost christmas. it’s crazy to think of just how time really does fly although when you’re in the middle of it, it seems slow as slugs. but, here we are. 

november was quite the month for me. a real awakening it seemed like. i participated in the national novel writing month and man, was it something, the goal was to have produced 50,000 words by the end of the month which by any standards is a whole helluva lot of words and time. unfortunately, i didn’t end the month with 50,000 words. i came up with about 16,000 or more. but you know what? i’m damn proud of myself, i really am. i couldn’t have asked for more from myself and from this experience.

i’m sure in almost every blog, i’ve mentioned that my life took a different and drastic turn about 6 months ago which has changed a lot of things for me. i’m sorry to put myself on repeat but, i can’t forget what it has meant for me and what it still means for me i suppose. anyway, like i said a lot of things changed. and one of them was my ability to write. it was like i went into a shock because it felt more than just a block (forgive the rhyming that just took place). it’s like every time i sat at my computer to write something original and creative, i just stared at the blank page and it stayed that way for so long. i questioned so much my ability of being a writer and more painfully, my passion. 

i have been writing for more than a decade and i have always loved it so much and i have identified myself by it as well. it has been my voice at times, more so than my actual voice. it has been the place where i have been able to live out my dreams and the stories that i could not tell anyone else. it was where i felt like i was most myself. and then, i suddenly didn’t feel that way. i couldn’t see my voice on paper, i couldn’t hear it in my own head when wanting to create, and i sure as hell didn’t see myself in any of my words. i mean how could i, i was staring at a blank page for so long. 

so, then this writing experience came up and i was very leery on joining but, i decided why the hell no? how much worse could it get? so i decide to join and i can’t write, well that’s where i’m at right now? so i joined  and then, something happened. it was like a small part of me was taking me back, taking me back to where i felt the safest, where i felt the most like myself which had felt like had been really lost for quite a while. sure, i had been writing some autobiographical stuff, things that i knew from my experience but it wasn’t enough. it was barely getting out what i was really feeling inside, and it wasn’t exactly feeling cathartic either like i thought it would. i wanted to be creative, i wanted to create. and i think i wanted that so much because i wanted to feel like if i could do that for my writing, i could do that for myself. i could create myself….again. because i needed to. 

during this writing experience, that is what was able to happen. i was able to create a story from my imagination which i was sure was dead. but, here i am into december and i am still writing. i am aiming for that 50,000 word count and possibly beyond. and that’s the whole point, i am aiming for more and i’m aiming for myself. i’ve spent a whole helluva lot of time dissecting and ruminating and overthinking about an experience that happened and that wasn’t going to change. i was very obsessive about it which is in my nature but, this was different. i was beyond myself and who i wanted to be. i was holding on and not letting go as gracefully as i could.

and here’s the thing, i still think about you all the time. how could i not? actually some people might ask me, how are you still? but, that’s just me and i know it’s serving some purpose but, the thing is it’s getting easier to spend my days not thinking about you as much or at all sometimes. it feels weird considering how much of my time i have spent twisting and turning about you, and me, and all that was and isn’t going to be. it’s been my life really for a good chunk of time. but, i’ve allowed myself to let in new experiences and indulge in them fully and it’s made me feel like that’s the whole purpose of this. that’s what it means to move on. that’s what it means to heal from the things that felt so broken, felt so uneven, felt so wrong for a time. 

and it’s from these recent experiences that have showed me just what i can do, the things that i didn’t think were possible. so, i want to talk briefly (if that’s possible) about my running. i started running this summer and it was almost like the writing, it wasn’t feeling cathartic enough. my mind wasn’t being flushed out like i wanted it to and maybe that was just time and intent but now, it feels so different. it feels different when i hit that pavement and allow myself the experience to be what it is. it lets me feel…free. and that i’m accomplishing something just by getting out there because trust me, there are days when i feel like ugh, i don’t want to be doing this crap. but, i do. 

last week, each day i ran i was able to increase my mileage. when i started, i was able to do just a couple of miles and that was with a lot of break and some heavy breathing and a feeling of death. but now each time i’m steadily doing at a minimum of 5 miles with the exception of my ultimate high of 9 miles. i also did 6.5 and 7 miles the past couple of days. and just like my writing, i’m proud of myself for that too. i’m proud and quite amazed that i was able to do that, to run like that. something i never thought i could or would even want to. now, i’m aiming to train for a half-marathon in my future. who would have thought? certainly not me.

change is hard. and it’s hard for me. my astrological sign isn’t the bull for no reason. i’m stubborn and i want what i want which i think life has clearly shown me isn’t going to be my motto anytime soon. we don’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we stomp our feet, shout to the air, or pull all of the weight. it just doesn’t work like that and i’ve really had to learn the hard way (like i said, i’m a stubborn bull). 

but, here i am allowing myself to have new experiences and wanting them and i like that feeling. i like the feeling of not waking up in excruciating pain and making myself think of all the things that i wish i could’ve done different when in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because it was never about me. i like the feeling of not thinking about you for hours at a time, not letting you seep into my psyche so much so that it paralyzes me. don’t get me wrong, it’s still painful at times but i know that much would be true for me for everything that you did once mean to me but, you’re fading. and i need that. i need you to fade. i need you to be put into the place where you belong as i continue my way to peace. 

that’s what i most look forward to…peace. and at this rate, i think i believe in myself enough to know i’m going to find it. i mean, look at all the other things i’ve been accomplishing when i didn’t think i could?