life will sometimes make you its bitch.

11 Nov


i love the quote that i put at the top of today’s blog. because that guy said it correctly, this whole success journey or just the journey of life is fucking messy. and i pretty much could end tonight’s blog on that note but, for my own sake, i will keep on writing. it’s been a hard week. i traveled to florida in hopes of obtaining a certain job. i made it into both rounds with this interview and i oddly felt confident by the time round two came along, in the sense that i felt like i knew what i was saying and knew what to say and i knew that it did highlight the kind of person i would be if hired with this company. seems like all was going well until they brought me back in to go over the interview and their only reason to not hire me…my tattoo. apparently they have a policy that they don’t want employees with visible tattoos. my tattoo which says let it be (of all things) is on my inner right wrist. it’s less than an inch long and not even visible unless i turn my wrist over. unfortunately for me, they were not keen on the idea of me using jewelry or a long-sleeved shirt to cover it up.

so, pretty much i went back to my sister’s house (they live in florida as well so the whole trip wasn’t in fact a waste) with my tail between my legs. it was very hard for me to see this opportunity as a win considering i didn’t in fact leave with employment. my sister told me to see it like this, there wasn’t anything about my abilities or my resume or my background that was in question, that they wanted to hire me but with the one exception. which she says is a good thing, that i am obviously qualified and should be proud of that. that it wasn’t a total loss coming all the way here, that this was another opportunity to help me prepare for other opportunities and that there is something bigger and better just waiting for me.

hm…well, if you know anything about me by now, you will know that i can be more of a pessimist than an optimist. and i don’t know if i always used to be like that or if this is a new thing but i gotta say, two months and counting of not working plus months of just feeling like i was being shat on, well, let’s just say this isn’t the best time i’ve had in my life. i think this is where i could quite possibly insert that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. whoever said that already got to the strong part, i feel like i’m being squished between being killed and being stronger. i mean, how much rejection can one person take? it’s almost become a daily ritual for me to open my email to see yet another rejection email or someone is more qualified email or this position has been filled email. when am i going to get the, hey you’re so awesome, we must hire you immediately email!

my father called me the other day to tell me he was disappointed for me and that he was having a hard time sleeping just thinking about the disappointment i felt. but, he told me what my sister told me that he truly believed that something bigger and better was waiting for me and that i shouldn’t give up hope. that i need to take this opportunity for what it was and move forward with it knowing that in time, i will find something. it was very kind, generous and uplifting for him to tell me such things. again, not sure if i believe him. or maybe i’m just unsure of why he believes me in so much or why others do when i feel like i’ve not done even half of the things that i want to do and i ain’t getting any younger. 

i guess it all boils down to how we believe. is belief the product of not being able to see something but knowing it’s there anyway or is it the other way around? do we need to see something happen, proof of life, to know that then and only then you can believe in it? i’ve always thought it was the former but, i’m not too sure these days. i feel like i want proof, proof that something, anything is going to happen. and i don’t mean anything, but something good, something beneficial to me. don’t get me wrong here, i don’t think i deserve anything more than anyone else nor do i think that anything is owed to me. but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to believe that good people can have good things too. 

i want to know that there truly is something bigger and better waiting for me and in many aspects of my life. i’ve never been a believer in the whole “if it’s meant to be” business and i’m still not but, i wonder if it has any merit in my current life? to not be getting exactly what i want or when i want it. yet, i understand the fundamentals of life that we just don’t always get what we want but is that because we weren’t meant to have certain things at certain times or what? i think one of my problems is that i want so desperately to explain certain things that just can’t be, at least not in any plain explainable terms. 

things happen, people disappoint you, you disappoint yourself, you win, you fail, you FAIL big time, you lose, you get lost and about every other thing that doesn’t go your way will happen. at least that has been in my experience. i’ve failed more times than i have been successful but, i think at the end of all things the point is to say that i’m still here. i’m still here to tell the tale and that is what i have been trying to tell myself as i try to soothe over this latest sting. 

and i’m just going to keep on trying. it’s not that i don’t know defeat in my book. trust me, i know it really well and i’ve let it rule me at times, very much so. but, i’m going to keep on getting up. i figure what is the alternative? throw in the towel and just let this world swallow me up? not with everything that i want to do and not with everything that i think i know that i am. i want a lot of things out of life and i feel like i’ve got the stamina to produce those things and so all i’ve got to do is just believe…this time it may just be without seeing any evidence to the contrary. 

but, it’s like the quote said at the beginning of this post, that we must fail and never give up and then do that all over again. i figure, i’m right on track…


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