two steps forward…one million steps back.

4 Nov

last night i had a bit of a relapse. after two months of not looking at anything directly related to someone from my past, i thought i’d give it a try to see how i felt. i thought maybe enough time had passed and i would feel different and to a certain extent, i did and i do but, maybe just not enough.

and to have seen what i did see was well, hurtful i guess. someone made a comment about me in an indirect way and this person and the new person in his life made a comment about it and well, like i said, it just hurt. i want to get a place where when things like that are said that it really doesn’t bother me or affect me in any way. but, when i was talking to a girlfriend about this, she said that we are human and we are never going to get to an emotional place where when someone says something offensive about us that we aren’t going to be offended by it. and i understand that but, i guess i also need to accept that what i did see or what was said about me has no relation to who i am and that this person is the last person that would ever have any say over who i am.

my sister told me that. she said i don’t need to be validated by anybody, and especially someone who isn’t even a stand-up person to begin with and that in the end, it doesn’t matter if he’s suddenly a better person to the new person in his life, or whatever because it no longer has any bearing on what i’m doing with my life. i cannot change what has happened and i also have no control on what is going to be said or told. and she’s right. she really is.

and i’m pissed off at myself for allowing myself for one to back down this road. sure, i like familiar but, not when the familiar is lined up with razor blades slowly cutting me as i drag my sorry ass down the damn thing. and i’m so pissed to even think for one second that anything had changed. to think that maybe this person is better than that and they wouldn’t feel the need to feed into comments like the one that i saw, or the need to continually put me down as if i was in the wrong here somehow. i’m not a perfect person, i wasn’t then, i’m not now and i never will be but, in this relationship, i never, ever hurt this person. i can honestly say that i know the truth and the truth is that the only fault i had was just loving this person so incredibly that it allowed me to stay attached for that long and then some.

i know we all play our parts in relationships, whatever kind they may be and i know my part in this relationship. and i own it too. i feel like this person from my past hasn’t done that and maybe they don’t need to. i mean that is their prerogative and their choice entirely and i hate to even say it that i just hate how i’m being displayed. as though i was this terrible person, i was the one making bad choices and that i was the one doing the hurting. i was doing none of those things yet, when i see comments like the one that was made and others, i feel like anything but a good person.

but, like my sister said, does it matter? does it have anything to do with what i know about my experience with this person, does it change the truth, does it change the past, or does it have any impact on what i’m looking to do with my life right now? i guess i can answer a simple “no” to all of these questions. it doesn’t and i know that intellectually and it pisses me off that i have had to spend the time that i do analyzing it as i have, now writing this blog about it, and going to have to nap later to get it out of my mind. because in the end, it does. not. matter.

why do we spend so much time and energy pouring ourselves into the things that do nothing but drain us, question our abilities, and halt us in our progress? that is what i feel like right at this moment. i feel frozen again in my pain, feels like i’ve taken a million steps backwards even if that isn’t entirely the case and all i want to do is just bolt full speed ahead as far from this as possible. and mostly, i just don’t want to give a fuck. i don’t want to care about this person, i don’t want to care about what he has to say or the opinions of those who know nothing about what really happened or anything about me.

and i’m going to try to hold true to that. i’m going to try to keep on owning my truth. that’s all i really can do. this is one person’s opinion and it’s this particular person’s opinion and the opinion of someone that doesn’t even know me. and i need to know that, more than anything. i need not let this person’s opinion outweigh what a hundred other people would say about me, people that really know me. i won’t let this one person define who i am.

my therapist told me that i don’t need to punish myself about this. yes, i took a step backwards but, that’s okay. i need to be kind to myself, if i needed anything right now, it’s kindness for myself. and i agree with her that it’s been in the times when i’ve been the most unkind to myself that that is when i start acting out. feeling the need and urge to want to punish myself further. and i feel like i’ve done enough of that for a lifetime. i want to turn this around quicker than i usually would. i don’t want to find myself sitting in bed, exhausted because my brain has been doing overtime on trying to analyze this crap to death.

it is what it is and it always has been. this person is who they are and they surround themselves with the people they do. and i can’t change that. i can’t control what is going to be said or not said. that’s just out of my power and i’ve got to accept that. but, i do have the control and power to know just how much pain i’m willing to put myself through and for how long and i just can’t do this to myself anymore. i thought two months was good enough, and it’s just not. and maybe there isn’t going to be a time limit where it will be enough, it may never be enough but, i know that i will know when i start to feel like these kinds of things are exactly what they are and that…is someone else’s truth…not mine.


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