come sit by me past…if you must.

3 Nov

there are more days now that i feel better than i have in a long time. that i can reflect on what i’ve been through and take a real account of what i’ve learned, what i’ve changed, how much i’ve grown, and where i want to go. yet, i still have the days when the past has somewhat of a ninja grip on me and i don’t know if it sometimes has direct relation to what is going on in my present or the fears of my future.

recently i thought i might be able to partake in something “casual” i suppose i will call it but, then it came to my attention that maybe i just couldn’t. i don’t know if i’m the kind of girl that is cut out for “casual”. because in the long run i know that i am someone who is looking for that true love and engaging in something casual just doesn’t seem like it fits into that category. and to say that i came about this decision on my own is well, it’s not the untruth but, it came about because this whole casual thing just sort of fell apart rather quickly because i guess said person just lost interest in continuing with this whole casual thing. i mean a few days and no call?!? yeah, that’s losing interest, right?

so, usually i would be hurt and not to say that i’m not but, i thought to myself that i’ve got to look at this from a different angle or it’s going to eat me up. for the first day it sort of did but, i’m really surprised at myself just the turn around i’ve had about the situation which is the quickest revelation i think i’ve ever had with something like this. sure, i had those penetrating thoughts about what happened, what did i do, what is he thinking, etc., etc., etc. and then i thought to myself and very loudly…WHO CARES?!? i mean, really, who does?!?

it’s not me. i’m not going to blame myself for one engaging in something that might have proven to be fun and for a very short time, it sort of was. and i wasn’t going to blame myself for someone else deciding something about me or the situation without proper communication or with judgment of their own. that’s not up to me and i don’t have to take the blame for that. if we are to be honest with ourselves and be present as much as we can, i can say that we are just who we are at this time. this person is who he is and who he is is a person who can’t engage in this casual thing for one reason or another and it’s lead me to believe the same thing.

and it did much more for me too. it was a way for me to test myself. to see what boundaries i could draw and what lessons i could possibly learn about myself, and what i wanted and what i didn’t want. i know in the long run, i don’t want casual. i want commitment, i want longevity, i want someone who is going to go the distance.

so, i guess you could say that this situation had me thinking about the past and quite in depth today, maybe more so than usual. and i almost tripped on myself and made myself take twenty million steps backwards. those lingering questions of what happened there, what did i do, etc. etc. etc. made me want to revisit my past. made me want to find a particular person and see their newfound happiness as it has been a couple of months since i last did that. and it’s been a huge hurdle for me and a struggle at the same time.

i know that when or if people read this they will be thinking why is it such a struggle? what does looking at the past do for me now in the present? and they’re asking all the right questions and i’m never sure if i have the right answers. i would say it’s cause i’m curious, it’s cause i’m still hurting, and it’s cause i want to know if there is any validation to my own life. and i know what you’re going to say again, how does the past validate anything that is happening now? and especially with a situation like mine? my past is the LAST thing that could ever validate what is going on in my present right now.

and i know that is a piece of truth that i really need to hold onto very tightly or i’m not going to continue to make the progress that i feel like i have been making and wish to continue to make. i don’t want to yearn for the past just because my present is sort of up in the air as is my future. some might call that a blessing. to be in a position where i have many options and opportunities to take advantage of, to not have everything so mapped out, and to possibly have some adventure. my sister always says that i have the world at my feet and the world is my oyster. cliche i know but, she really believes what she says when it comes to my life. and i give her credit for believing in it so much, maybe even more so than me at times.

i can’t deny that i don’t know the answers to just how long it’s going to take me to really get over what once was and what won’t be. i mean it’s the sting of rejection, a life not lived, something passing you by, and the idea of unworthiness. it’s all those things for me, but if you were to ask someone, they’d probably tell you that i also wasn’t the best judge of how i should analyze my own past. and they might be right but for now, that is my most honest answer about just how long my past might exist in my present.

yet, i feel it little by little, inch by inch, slowly but surely making its way out. it has a place here i won’t lie because it’s almost a gage for me in some way, or a reminder so that i don’t forget the pain, i don’t forget what hardship means to me and so that i can see a little further ahead of it to know that there is indeed something ahead of it. so i want to keep my past here, but i don’t want to let it rule me. so everyday i am going to try my best. i am going to breathe, be grateful for what i do have, seek out the opportunities that i can have and never forget at my core who i am, where i’ve been and where i could go.

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