confidence earned, confidence gained.

31 Oct

i have never been a person of confidence. i’m not even quite sure i know what the word really means but, it is something i have been desperately trying to gain the last months of my life. because i know it’s something i need that’ll help me survive this thing called life. and as you know, i’ve taken quite a few knock-downs in life that have slowly chipped away at that non-existent thing called confidence. i wish i could say i grew up in a household where it was something that was taught or that was easily picked up on but, i didn’t and i think that’s had a lifelong impact on me but, like many other things, it is something i want to change. 

last weekend i went out with my girlfriends and i decided to wear an old black dress i had had for over three years. and in some ways, it made me feel good. there was nothing special about it, it’s just a black dress but, it did it’s job by making me feel good. but, i don’t think it was really the dress, for some reason, i just felt good. maybe it was being out on the town and maybe it was being with good girlfriends or maybe it was just me. but, for some reason that saturday night i felt confident in just being in my own skin and maybe it worked for me. i received several compliments that night from people i had never met before that i was beautiful or that i looked good. so, to say the least, it gave me a small confidence boost. 

a lot has changed in my life the last five months as has my physical appearance. i’ve lost more than 30 pounds and i’ve been getting more tone by hitting the gym when possible. the running i took up about three months ago has greatly helped me in this area and i am grateful that i have kept up with it. i don’t think i’ve ever felt better about myself physically in a very long time. but, that’s just one piece of it. what you look like on the outside is simply just that, the outside. what i’m interested in is working on exists on the inside and i’m hoping it’ll find its way out towards the outside.

i was watching a show the other day and a woman said that confidence goes with any outfit and i really liked that and i felt like she was right. again it doesn’t matter what you really wear or look like on the outside if what’s on the inside is nothing. or at least doesn’t do the outside justice. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve gone out and looked at other woman around me in such admiration for just oozing confidence because truth be told, it’s something you can actually see. and i’m not talking about being over-confident, stuck-up or any of that nonsense but just good ole’ fashioned confidence as if it was as easy to put on as it was that red lipstick they had on their lips. i want to be those women and i hope i’m slowly making my way towards them.

it feels good to get validation from others that take notice in your change and your motivation to trying new things but the only real validation i’m trying to care about is my own. i want to try to keep on nurturing myself and allowing myself to heal. months ago my therapist told me that this was as time about how i can be good to myself, about what it means to heal and what i can do to take care of myself. i didn’t really know the answers then and i’m not in any way saying i know now either, at least not any definitive answers. i’ve learned that to be good to myself is to listen to myself (and sometimes not listen to myself). i’ve learned that to listen to myself is to listen to my body. when it’s tired, give it a rest. when it wants to do something, let it do it without so much judgment or hesitation. and listening to myself was also about listening to and owning my truth. the truth can be a double-edge sword but it’s the thing that sets you free, it’s the thing that allows you to move forward, and hopefully, allow yourself to find yourself.

i’ve also been testing this new “confidence” by allowing myself to do things that i might not have done before. and that is to not just jump into certain kinds of relationships with people all that once. cause i’ve always been the “all in” girl and maybe i always will be but, i’m learning to taper that. i’m learning to see certain situations for what they are and not trying to give it the good ole push from myself. to just let certain things be as they are and if they develop into something else, then let that be too. sometimes i want to live so far ahead into the future that i forget its the effort we put into the now that makes the future what it is so i’m trying not to forget that little tid bit. it’ll save me later, i know this much.

sometimes, i’m my own worst enemy and i do things just in spite of myself. this much i know. and i’m trying not to do that as much anymore. i’ve been learning so much about different kinds of relationships we have whether they be with friends, significant others, family, etc. and that they aren’t always what we want them to be whether it be circumstance, time, differences, and what have you. and i’ve learned that that’s just okay. people, time, circumstances are just going to be and it’s our job to let them be as they are. but, it’s also our job to discover just what we should have, what we want to have, and what we are willing to work towards to have. 

so, to end this blog i will say that i am willing to work towards this continued want of confidence in my life and i hope it’ll allow me to grow as a person and challenge myself in all avenues of my life. as always, a work in progress.

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