life may just break you but it won’t kill you.

26 Oct

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

i started today’s post with the quote from above and i think it says it all. life will break you and there is nothing that can prepare you for that fall. and there isn’t a way to avoid it either because just like the quote said, we are here to do all the things that are going to bring us that pain, the kind that is going to break us all in the places that we thought we were safe.

i was thinking about that today as i got out of bed. i started my day off with meditation and man, it felt awesome. my concentration during my meditation is growing and i’m able to quiet the voices and the mad thoughts i’m having and go into a trance where i hear nothing, see nothing but feel everything. and it really is changing the way that i start my day and how i live the rest of my day as well.

once i did that i got into the shower and that is where i did most of my thinking about what i wanted to talk about in this blog today. and i’m pretty sure i’ve lost a lot of the great things i was going to say too once i got out of the shower. but i knew i was going to at least say that today i started my day off strong. i felt strong. i feel strong. i didn’t feel like i was having an avalanche of feelings come tumbling down on me and pummel me to the ground when there are days that i still feel that way.

it made me think about how to start your day and how i’ve been starting mine lately. i am of course a member of facebook like the rest of the world and on my facebook i am subscribed or have “liked” a bunch of positive affirmation pages and everyday a plethora show up in my newsfeed. and many of them hit the spot for me. and of course i go and hit that like button. i’m very much about surrounding myself with positive words, sayings, inspirations, etc. but i’ve been thinking about how much do i really believe in them? at least for myself. and i know that is something i want to work on because i can “like” these things till they go out of style but, if i’m not buying into them or believing in them for myself, what good are they to me? they’re just things that take up space in my newsfeed and my life. so, i’m going to make a much more conscious effort to really think about what they mean to me and how they can apply to my life. i’ve already got the first step down by just letting them into my life, now i just need to believe they should be there.

so that got me thinking about an interview i had yesterday. i was interviewing for a coordinator/supervisor position at a community college about an hour from where i live for a head start program they have. once the interview was over or even during it, i felt highly under qualified and that every single thing that was coming out of my mouth was just one more thing keeping my unemployed. and i thought that the whole way home, while i got gas and ran into the store to grab a couple of bottles of wine. and then i continued to think that as i sipped on my wine the rest of the night.

i talked to my friends about it and they all say i’m too hard on myself as usual and that we all think about what we could have done better during interviews. that’s just how it goes. and that i need to think positively and that good things are coming my way. again, it’s easy to surround myself with good, positive things and people but how much do i really believe that they’ll pan out that way for me? because with my track record, it’s not exactly been that way.

but, as i was in the shower this morning i decided to let that go. i decided to stop critiquing myself on what i did or didn’t do during that interview and let it be for now. and if they decide to bring me in for another interview, of course i will be the first one to be overjoyed and thoroughly surprised and if not, well, then that’s another thing about life. it doesn’t always ask you what you want. and we’ve got to be okay with that and i’m learning how to do that these days.

and as always, it got me thinking about my journey, unemployment, heartbreak, transformation…all of it. it made me think about the last year of my life and how half of that time i spent pouring myself into something i really believed in, something i very much attached myself to. someone i very much attached myself to. and you know how people are always saying that when they look back on situations or relationships that they somehow always knew it would end or that it wouldn’t work out? i’m not sure how you can really have that feeling until you experience it because even now, i’m not sure if i feel that way or if or when i will.

because i feel like when you’re in something very deep and it’s flooded with the love and effort you’re putting into it, it’s very hard to see it ending any other way except the way that you think it’s going to. i think when you’re in something that deep, you’re willing and ready to take a good beating and then once that beating is over with, you’re ready to take more until one day, it’s just not an option anymore. whether at your will or theirs.

again, life never asks you what you want and it surely didn’t ask me. it didn’t ask me if i wanted to devote myself and my time to someone for so many months only to have it end a way in which i didn’t envision it to. it was as if i was finally staring at a chess board in which all the players had lined up to take the queen and it didn’t matter who or what move was going to be made, she was going to be taken because she was never protected in the first place. there’s no strategic move needed when you’re not really all that guarded to begin with and i think that’s what the quote is trying to say.

i didn’t ask to be in this place, some five months later to be sitting here and blogging about my innermost feelings about my experience thus far about the pain that life brings. but, here i am. and that’s also the point too. i’m here to tell the tale. if anything, if i believed in anything, i believe that yes life is going to break you and once you’ve healed, it’s probably going to do it again. oh that limb is just starting to heal? oh that cut is scarring up? too damn bad. we are going to break that limb and re-open that cut…just cause. but it most certainly isn’t going to kill us, it hasn’t killed me even when i was sure at times it was most certainly going to.

life is hard, cruel, harsh and makes you short of breath more times than not and sometimes you just get the shit end of the stick and that can’t really be helped. especially if you’re someone like me that also so firmly believes in love which means a varied amount of things can happen. disappointment, hurt, and rejection, among other things. but, i also believe that loving and having the ability to love is extremely powerful and it teaches us about the kind of people we are, what we are truly capable of and what we are willing to endure.

love, and the loss of love has brought me to this very place today. and today is just another day in this journey and today i feel strong. i know i won’t always have days like that but, today is just one of those days. and i’m looking forward to many more just like this.

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