knowing my truth.

23 Oct

i had another weekly session with my therapist today and as always, she asks me how i’m doing. i responded with an “i’m doing okay” and i actually am. it’s been a while for me to walk into her office and tell her that i’m doing okay because for a long time, i wasn’t. i couldn’t even utter those words. i think my response used to be that i didn’t know and that was honest too. but, now i am doing okay. 

today i talked to her about the fact that i’m alone and i wanted to explore this idea of being alone and what it actually means. so i’ve been alone now for five months but, it’s only been the last few weeks or month that i’ve really felt alone and that i’m just okay with it. but, sometimes when i’m deep in my thoughts and i’m thinking about a certain person, i wonder how okay i am with it? but, then i have to check in with myself which is what i told my therapist today too. i told her that that’s just me doing what i do best, think about the things that i can’t change and start to make comparisons and going back to good ole faithful, not feeling like i’m good enough and all that plethora of crap.

and i know none of that is allowing me to know my truth and the truth of the situation. so that is what i’ve been trying to do lately. when i feel myself going to those places where i start to ask unanswerable questions or start making comparisons, i tell myself to know my truth, to own my truth. and that truth has nothing to do with what has happened or what is going to happen. 

so, it’s made me think a lot about being alone now and how it’s okay but at the same time it’s not okay and that’s something i’m okay with admitting too. being alone is well, lonely. i feel like that makes sense, right? going from spending a lot of your time with someone and making certain plans to doing that on your own can be well, if you guessed lonely then you’re right on the money. yet the lonely isn’t something that is unbearable or unmanageable either, it is just where i’m at. it’s actually a place where i’ve been before and it’s a good place.

see, i’ve never been someone who has always had to be with someone. i’ve had very few serious relationships in my life and any relationship i did have, was just that, very serious. i am a very independent person and i’ve always liked that about myself for the most part. and it’s one of those things that i’m learning to get back to. getting back to the basics where i felt most like myself and where i felt the strongest. i allowed myself to get very involved this last year and get very serious about building and planning a future, mapping it all out, making the arrangements, and readying myself. but, as you might have guessed, life never asks you what you want. and it didn’t, not in this case.

so, i find myself using a lot of this time to do a whole helluva lot of reflection which is greatly needed. and of course i’m reflecting on being alone. i’ve been spending a lot of time at home just watching movies, tv shows, and hanging with the dog. i’ve been making dinners and drinking some very tasty wines. i’ve been trying to work out here and there and get out into the so-called sun (when it actually does grace us with its presence) to walk the dog. i’ve sort of been retreating into a little bit of a hermit stage but to be honest, i’m kind of enjoying it. it’s been a long time since i feel like i’ve spent any time with just myself and i used to do that all the time and so i’m trying to get back there. again, back to the basics. 

like i said before, i can’t lie that it isn’t a lonely feeling at times. i used to spend a lot of my time making dinners with someone, going out into the sun with someone, watching movies with someone and now i’m not. so, when i think of those things it makes me feel lonely. it makes me creep into those dark facets of my mind where he still exists. especially now since our lives are so different, even in the short time that has lapsed in-between when we both existed in the same time. 

it makes me wonder if being alone is a bad thing, is it? i feel like when i say those words outloud, it’s like i’m spreading some plague or that i’m allowing myself to fall into the category of some old lady spinster spending her saturday nights at home with her cat (my “cat” is actually a dog in this case) or that when people see me on the streets, they’re pitting my single status. and i’ve got to admit that i’ve even done that on occasion especially when i see all these lovey-dovey couples out there or hearing my friends talk about their significant others.

but, i bring myself back to the truth. and the truth is this…yes, i am alone. i have been alone before and who knows how long i’ll be alone. but, right now i am alone. it is lonely at times. but it is also liberating at times and freeing and peaceful too. and it’s not because i’m not catering to someone else or trying to make something work because trust me, that is what i want. i want a partner, i want to share my life with someone but, i’m okay right now with letting myself putting that kind of work into just myself. i’m not sure if i can ever say i’ve done that. sure, i’ve been alone before but, i’ve never put this kind of work into myself like i have been. and that is the best and only truth that i really need to know right now. 

so when i’m spending my saturday nights as some old lady spinster with her dog, i will probably feel the seeds of loneliness but i will also feel my truth and just keeping trying to know it and own it. 

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