when i look back at you and me.

21 Oct

i was talking to a girlfriend earlier tonight and she herself is going through a little bit of a heartbreak that is pretty fresh and i could definitely relate to that too. i remember that all too well like it happened yesterday but it didn’t. and that makes me think about all of these months that have passed and what that “fresh” feeling once felt like. it’s something you never forget. anyone who has ever gone through an honest to god heartbreak can attest to that, right? it’s one of if not thee most real feelings you’ll ever feel in your life.

anyway, she and i were talking about the endless questions we all pose ourselves about why it happened, why didn’t it work out, what was it about me, etc. and the list goes on. it seemed all too familiar. and i felt highly unqualified to be talking to her about what exactly she should or shouldn’t be doing to help herself get through this stage because i am probably thee worst person to be talking to be this. i said it myself and i will say it again that i did everything and anything to cut off the healing to myself and it’s really only been the last couple of months when i’ve really started to allow myself to heal. but, still, i wanted to be a friend and tell her about my own process to cope.

it’s not the same for everyone and we all have to do what we have to do to get us through the pain and that is something i felt like i was qualified to tell her to do. and to not let herself get too run over by thoughts about all the things that we cannot change, and all the questions that simply don’t have answers. if i could have done that sooner, i most certainly would have. but, i understand that it’s just in our nature to do that to ourselves. shit, i mean i still do that. it’s hard not to but, it’s just too damn easy to do it to yourself and it’s not productive in anyway.

talking to her made me reflect so much about my experience and it’s a humbling thing to think about. it really is. i think about what i’ve gone through to get to this place in my life and all the truly gut-wrenching, chest-tightening, hard-to-breathe pain that i have allowed myself to feel for so many months. don’t get me wrong when i say that i don’t still have those days when it just all around sucks but, i can noticeably know the difference now between having a good day and obviously not and it’s because i’m finally allowing myself to. i’m actively allowing myself to know my truth and the truth of my experience and my situation and know just how powerful that truly is. and that’s something that also can’t be taken away.

i was talking to my oldest sister today after having not talked in a while. during the midst of my deepest pain, it was best for her and i to give each other a break because we truly saw my situation in two totally different ways and i just had to let myself deal with my own grief and pain in the way that i had to and it was best that for a time, she wasn’t a part of that. when we resumed talking today, it was great. it was better than great. it was like it always was and i know that i can count on that and more than anything, i need that in my life. things and people to count on.

she told me something that really resonated with me. she said although during our struggles we must think about our pain so that we don’t forget and that we learn from it, we have to also not let it cloud out the good. because the good is what gets us through, makes us continue to believe in all that is good. and she was right. on the other side of this struggle, even within this struggle there is so much good and that is also truth. i would not have been able to get to this place right now to even sit here and write any of this if there wasn’t some good in my life and that i still believed in that. it has been by the grace of those who love me and that i love that has allowed me to keep going, to not give up and to honor just who i am and all i’m about to be.

it has also been by the grace of belief that has gotten me through this as well. to continue to have the ability to believe that for one, i am capable of making it through my struggles and that what’s waiting for me on the other side may very well be so much better than i ever thought whatever i had before was and could be.

so, tonight, i’ve had much reflection about you and me. this is the first time i’ve addressed you directly in any of my blogs or writing and i know you’re not reading this, and that’s okay. but i will talk to you as though you are. although i know where you are in the world, i hardly know who you are anymore or who you truly ever were. and somehow, i’ve got to be okay with that. i told my friend tonight that she had to just let this person (her recent heartbreak) just be who he is at this time and that it didn’t have a reflection of who she was. and that too is something i have to accept and i think day by day, i am doing just that.

i’ve thought so many times about you and me. i still do everyday. and i think about what you’re doing, if you’re happy, how you’ve moved on, and how you live. and everyday is a battle between really hating you for all that you did, and just letting myself be with all that happened and happens. it’s a constant struggle and i think it’s supposed to be that way because if not, how would i learn? how would i know what i’m supposed to know when this is all said and done?

but, mostly i think everyday i’m inching that much closer to letting you go, letting go of all the things that i wished for you and i. and letting you be just where you are knowing that that is how it is supposed to be. and i hope that everyday brings me closer to the kind of peace i’m looking for when i look back at you and me. because one day, i’d like to look back and think that there was a small time in our lives when you and i sat across from one another in a car and we didn’t have to say anything. you just smiled at me and i couldn’t look away because i thought that there was nothing that was ever going to be better than this moment, right here, right then when i looked at you and me.

when i look back at you and me, i want to look back knowing that there was every reason for you to be in my life and every reason for you to leave the way you did so that one day, someday, i will look across at someone sitting next to me, without having to say a word, knowing without a doubt that this is where i’m supposed to be, and who i’m meant for. and that it’s okay that it’s not ever going to be you.

so, like i said earlier, tonight i let myself think about you and i’m sure i will tomorrow and the next day. but, i know one day, and one day soon, it won’t be that way. you will be just a memory of a time in my life where i came to terms with who i am and all that i am truly capable of. and i know i’m made for so many things in this life, and one of them is living without you because that’s what i’m doing and that’s what i will keep doing. and tonight, i’m okay with that.

side note: i’ve included the lyrics to a song by katy perry which has not only inspired this blog tonight but really captures much of my experience thus far. it’s beautiful song indeed.

By The Grace Of God

Katy Perry

I was 27 was surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty so out of gas
Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymoreBy the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
Oh there is no more mourning over
Can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
Oh, that way, that way, no
Not in the name
In the name of love
That way, that way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (Looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (There was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me up
That way

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