welcome to wherever you are.

19 Oct

i’ve recently had an experience with, well, let’s just say a “blast from my past”. and it has made me think about so many things about our past experience, and my own current experience of what i’m going through or better yet, what i’m working through. and it’s been quite a revelation to say the least. it’s funny to think about the person that you once thought you were and it’s only when you see something from the past, you realize just how much you’ve changed, how much your circumstances have changed, and just how much life in general has changed. 

and it’s been this recent experience that has really made me realize and honor the place that i’m in, wherever that is. i can’t label it, i can’t put my finger on it but i am in a certain place in my life and it’s only been till this experience that i can really and truly know that it’s okay. that i don’t need to analyze it (or at least more so than i usually do), i don’t need to move it along any quicker and i don’t need to stop it either. i just need to be in this place.

you know i’ve never really been a big believer in this whole everything happens for a reason and i still honestly don’t believe that crap either (it actually annoys the shit out of me when people try to tell me that) but, for some reason, this recent experience has got me thinking about that very idea. i feel like this experience is a great learning curve for me, and it’s something to show me about trust. i don’t think about trust in other people quite yet (that’s still a work in progress) but, more so about trust in myself (again, another work in progress). trusting that i can be in a certain place without question, without reserve and without judgment. it’s about learning to trust that i am discovering what i really do want in my life and that it might not please everyone, but it may just please me and that’s what i need to do. i need to learn to please me. 

that’s a HUGE lesson this recent experience is trying to teach me. to really listen to myself and not question myself once i do. that sometimes i do truly know what is best for me and that any decisions i make are my own and that i don’t have to always make the best ones, or even the right ones, but the ones that i know that i can live with, the ones that will challenge me, the ones that will allow me to grow, the ones that will change me. 

going back to what i said earlier about how sometimes the past makes you realize just how much you’ve changed and how much the person you once thought you were just doesn’t exist anymore. yet, i think it’s also shown me about some things that i was questioning myself about and that i didn’t need to. that there are some hard truths about myself that haven’t really changed and that’s a good thing. that there are still pieces of the person i always thought i was still inside of me and that no experience, however harsh it was, could take that from me. i honor that now. 

but, i honor more the person that i am striving to be and the work i am willing to do to get to that person. it is no easy feat and i don’t think its meant to be. also i recognize and honor that not all answers can be pushed for or come to on your own time, that sometimes you arrive at the answers you’ve wanted the most at a time when you were least expecting it.

in conclusion, because of this experience i am welcoming myself…to wherever i am.

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