it’s okay to not get what you want (or at least that’s what they tell me).

14 Oct

earlier today i posted a quote about strength. about dealing with your problems, and not hiding from them. and how that is true strength. i can certainly attest that it feels anything like that but, i think in the end, it couldn’t be more right. i feel like dealing with my shit, being in the pits of the pain and looking at my whole self feels well, really shitty. and it doesn’t always make me feel strong. it often times makes me feel weak, especially when i’m in the depths of it which a lot of the times, i am. but, and i don’t say this lightly, i think that’s the whole point. to go through the trenches and to come out the other side, that is considered strength and i’m unsure of how that’s supposed to feel but, i’m going to assume it feels pretty damn good.

so, it got me thinking about going through what i’m going through and what it might feel like to come out the other side. and i kept thinking about this pain, often times intense and some days not to intense like today. and because i had some clarity today, it got me thinking that i feel the way that i do mostly because i haven’t gotten what i want or what i thought i wanted or hoped i would get. whatever version it is, i didn’t get it.  and if you’re like me, when you don’t get what you want, well, it fucking sucks. no other way to say that. it sucks to not get what you want, it sucks to put in effort to get what you want and in the end it doesn’t quite happen that way or just doesn’t happen at all. 

something about being human propels us so much to reach out and grab onto things. we want some things so badly, so badly that you could probably taste it from miles away. want to touch it, we want to own it. we want to prove ourselves right, we want to prove others right. we want to be right. we want to see that everything we wanted when we closed our eyes and dreamed of…will be right there in front of us when we open our eyes again. but, i think that’s also the problem too. we close our eyes. and we do it too often. 

and that’s not a bad thing. it’s not even abnormal. we all do it. we all have to do it. if we didn’t, it would make us anything but human. we wouldn’t be people who want to love, who want to hope, who want to live our lives giving ourselves to someone else in hopes that it may just be the be all and end all. but, it’s the thing that gets us in trouble. yet, having said that some might argue that it’s the things like that that make us exactly who we are, give us our experience, and give us the strength and compassion to move forward with our lives and persevere, even under the harshest of conditions. 

so, i was driving today and certain songs within the last year have meant a great deal to me because they represented a time in my life when i thought i was going get a particular thing and within the past four months, i’ve not been able to listen to them all that much. and for many reasons. one of the big ones being the plain fact that they bring me a certain kind of pain to listen to them as they open up the wound to old memories, feelings, etc. but, today i thought to myself i’m not going to do that anymore (or at least today). i rolled my window down taking in that crisp fall breeze and i blasted those songs that once meant a great deal to me some time ago, sang along to me and sped down the highway. and it felt…it just felt okay.

i didn’t feel like i was going to cry. i didn’t feel an onslaught of memories coming in to hammer my heart some more, and i didn’t feel like i was going to have to pull over because i was falling apart once again. i think i actually laughed a little and smiled. 

therefore this particular moment in time, it really got me thinking about how it’s okay to not get what you want. for one, don’t quote me on that. i know for a fact that i won’t feel that way every day. and its been on a rare occasion that i do actually feel that way because all the other times, i’m screaming at the universe and damning it for putting me in the place that i’m at right now. but, today was that rare occasion. 

you know i’ve actually heard it be said many times before. not just from myself but from others and it’s one of the most hard truths i’ve ever heard in my life. it’s okay to not get what you want. because a lot of the times when i see that or hear it, i’m like what the fuck do you mean it’s okay to not get what you want? you didn’t get what you wanted, how is that okay? and trust me when i say this, i ask myself that more often times than not and i think i always get the same answer…it just is.

how frustrating is that? that’s not even a goddamn answer! it just is? really? that’s the best you got? as you can tell, i do a lot of talking to myself. but it is the best answer and really the only answer. it’s okay to not get what you want. and that’s something we have to accept, it’s something i’m learning to accept and it ain’t no easy thing either. because we want what we want. we just do and that’s the best answer too. but it’s okay to not get what we want no matter our effort because i’m starting to think it’s more about the effort than it is the result. it’s the easy thing to get what you want and hell, sometimes we do and i think that’s great too. whether we put in the effort or not, when we do get what we want, we can all be honest with ourselves and say that it is indeed, a great feeling.

but, it’s more about the effort to get what we want is what i want to focus on, at least from now on. i want to believe that the effort i’ve put into trying to obtain certain goals or just certain wants (whether i should have wanted them in the first place or not) is what really matters, is what shows the kind of person i am, have always been, and want to continue to be. it shows the strength i do have to keep on keeping on, despite not getting what i want. that i’m still living to tell the tale because i will be the first to tell you that not getting what i’ve wanted has left me spurned, burned, beaten down, heartbroken, devastated, disappointed (to say the least), angry and then pissed the fuck off, and utterly and completely broken. 

yet, like i said i’m still here to tell the tale. i’m here to tell you that not getting what you want hasn’t lead to death and it won’t, at least not in my case. it doesn’t kill us to not get exactly what we want, even if it feels like it will. i don’t want to say that not getting what you want makes you a better person or a stronger person or a whatever kind of person. it sometimes is just the cards that we are dealt and whatever it does make us…is what it makes us. i don’t know what this journey will make me, i don’t know how often i’m going to think as clearly as i did today, or if i will be able to listen to those particular songs and have a smile on my face, or that i won’t have those days that i am just so goddamn frustrated that i’m not getting what i once wanted so bad. 

but, i do know that even just having moments of clarity like this are the days that i live for. these are the moments that i know are going to reveal who i am…whoever that may be. 

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