quit tugging at me.

13 Oct

just for shits and giggles today, i thought instead of continuing on with my actual half-decent sleep from last night, i would just play a mind-game with myself and think about all the things that i cannot change nor control or really should be thinking about in the first place. all the things that still continue to hurt me, give me grief, and don’t propel me forward. and thinking about them this morning actually gave me physical pain, in my heart as always, and gave me one gnarly stomach ache. that was a first and i think it’s my body’s way of telling me…QUIT LETTING IT TUG AT YOU! and my body is so right.

the thing with the mind is that it’s so powerful and too smart for its own good. it knows the very things it should and shouldn’t think about. it protects me from the things that bring me the most pain by allowing me to rationalize why i feel that way and why i shouldn’t yet at the very same time, it allows me to think of the things that brings me the most pain without any real explanation. that is where i’m thinking the heart (or at least my half-functioning, broken mess of one) comes into play. i feel it everyday. i feel that pain. that constant void. that is where it starts to play its own games with my mind and it always ends in a not-so-good result for me. 

sometime i feel like we are our best and worse enemy. why do we hold onto the things that we know damn well are not good for us? why do we hold onto them knowing the truth that we do but still try to see it as something other than that? why do we try to continue to put a mask on something, make it prettier, or color it a different color? WHY???! if you know this answer, you’re smarter than i am.

but, maybe i understand it a little better now or maybe i always have. my brother-in-law and i went and watched a movie called Rush. it was about these two formula one race-car drivers and their need to constantly compete with each other, themselves, and their fates. in one of the more subtle, and quiet scenes, one of the drivers who has just gotten married talks to his new bride about how happiness is your enemy. he said happiness is your enemy because you realize you have something to lose. 

i loved what he said because he was saying that when you leave yourself open, and whatever your definition of happiness is but when we find ourselves in pursuit of whatever it is, you are setting yourself up for the possibility that you’re going to get hurt and possibly lose. and that’s just how the cookie crumbles. and unfortunately too. but, i think back to all the times that i’ve lost and i just don’t think i would undo them, no matter how much they hurt. because, it’s who i am and about what i’m capable of and what i’m capable of is being a person who can go in wanting to win, come out losing quite big (more often times than not) but, still hoping that next time around, i might just win. 

i’ve also been watching the first season of the newsroom. and if any of you have seen this show or are currently watching it, fracking amazing, right?!? it’s such a good show and for so many reasons, some obvious and not so obvious. the main character, will mcavoy who is a news anchor battling not just professional demons but moral demons as well that pertains to his love life when it soured a few years ago when his ex-girlfriend/new executive producer cheated on him and pretty much left him spiraling (albeit in the most controlled fashion one can be when being jilted by someone you love) ever since. he starts seeing a therapist and talks about how he’s doing all of these things while trying to get ratings up and at the same time torturing his ex-girlfriend while hiring the guy who she cheated on him with as the reporter to write about all the changes they’ve been doing at the news station. 

to make a long story short, he’s asking the therapist why he’s doing that and how he did it with such ease. he knows years have passed since they split up and they’ve been working well together and he knows full right what he’s doing is wrong but he’s doing it anyway. his therapist said it so damn simple. he says you’re holding your hand over the candle because you think the trick is not minding and he responds, “ah, so if i can just get through this?!” as if he’s hit his own epiphany. the therapist shakes his head and says, “no, the trick isn’t minding, the trick is to forgive.” will’s response, “it’d be easier to hold my hand over the candle”. i know, right?

but, it was like a bomb went off when he said that and i’ve seen the scene about a dozen times mind you. i think we talk about the idea of forgiveness a lot in our lives. i know i have. and that’s the thing, we talk about it but, how often do we really do it? don’t get me wrong, i’m not one to hold a grudge (or at least not for long) but, i’m not sure i’m one to forgive either. forgive others, yes, myself…well that’s another story altogether. but, in this case, i have yet to forgive others and myself. and it’s left me in the quandary that is this person you see before you (or not see, but hear through her writing or whatever, y’all know what i’m saying). 

that’s what is tugging at me. not being able to move on is in direct relation to forgiveness in many ways. forgiveness is a beautiful thing and i think it’s an attribute that separates a certain kind of people from other kinds of people. i think the ability to forgive is the ability to give ourselves peace, to give ourselves love and to give ourselves hope. i wish to give myself forgiveness. i wish to give forgiveness to those who may not necessarily deserve it but, i have lived enough to know that those who we may not deem forgivable, are the ones that need it the most because a lot of the time, they do not have the ability to forgive.

i once had this very conversation with someone i once knew. he once asked how i was able to forgive someone from my past who did many horrible things to me and put me through hell at one point in my life and i responded that i was able to do so because i wanted forgiveness for myself. i didn’t want to carry around the burden for such heavy feelings. i felt like at the time if i was able to forgive someone like like that for what they did to me, i would also be able to forgive myself. this person scoffed at me and said he would never forgive someone for doing what they did to me, and i laughed a little and said, “well, that’s the difference between you and i.” and now more than ever, i have to keep that in mind. i need to keep in mind the difference between who i am and who certain people are and not let the truth get buried beneath the rubble, just because my heart isn’t quite ready to live in the truth as much as the rest of me. 

i want to think that everything that i’ve been learning of late, all the pieces of wonderful, insightful and sage advice that i’ve been given, all the words and phrases of inspiration are bringing me to more moments of clarity and are helping to build the strength that i need to continue to power through this time in my life. 

to finish this blog tonight, i will quote the book i’ve been reading. it talked about two ways to get through pain, to wait it out or ride it out. waiting it out meant to just literally soak in it and sometimes for years until it just passes. but, riding it out (and i’m sure you’ll see as well as i did why this is the better option) means “you strap on your suit, grab your long board and force yourself to get on the wave.” the book said that those they surveyed about riding it out as opposed to waiting it out almost always felt much more empowered and confident knowing that were able to navigate themselves through something they once thought might swallow them whole. 

here’s to continuing to ride it out…i’ve got my suit on. 


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