there are things we don’t want to happen…but have to accept.

12 Oct

the title of today’s blog is a part a longer quote that i had gotten off of the fabulous show, criminal minds. the quote goes like this…

there are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept. things we don’t want to know but have to learn and people we can’t live without but have to let go.

 

and i have been thinking a lot about this particular quote for days now since i wrote it down on a whiteboard that hangs on a wall in my room. i love and hate everything about it because not only does it ring truth, but even when it does, i still struggle with it everyday. in the almost five months since i pretty much had a very hard crash down into reality, there are many things that i didn’t want to happen and have yet to really accept. and there are certainly things i didn’t want to know and have to learn from.

and to be quite honest, it really pisses me off. i hate that there are many things that i am going through right now that i just have to accept and that there are hard lessons for me to learn. i’m not opposed to the idea that these things had to happen because well in all truth, i am very much a willing participant in my own life but, i hate that they’re happening regardless. i hate how obsessive my mind has been these past months and how much i still let my mind wander to the things that just really don’t matter, have no bearing on my life now, and aren’t a reflection of the truth that i know. 

one of my best friends said something to me today that was just pure genius and just a real golden nugget that i hope i will never forget, ever. she said that i can develop the ability to see people behind their masks and that the truth that i know doesn’t have to undo my ability to match that with whatever current situation i may see instead of doing what i’m doing now. what i’m doing now is knowing the truth and then matching it with something different or better because that is what it may look like on the surface. it was like hitting the jackpot. a HUGE bell went off in my head. 

that is one of my BIGGEST problems which has lead to this obsessive thinking i have going on in my head. my mind is this fucking tornado swirling around with the memories of the past, the hurts of the present and the unknown of the future. many things that i don’t have control over except for the fact that i do have control over some things. this same friend of mine also told me that when these events come up (because they most certainly do) that i can ask myself if i really need to care about this thing, or if it’s just something that is pushing my button and that i don’t have to let it. 

being in the place that i’m at in my life with the knowledge of what i do know, it makes me incredibly angry. i can actually say that out loud. i feel an immense about of anger inside. i told my therapist that i feel like there are two different kind of people inside of me. one of which is a well-put together person, she knows what she wants, she knows who she is, and what she is worth and she’s just waiting for me. because she knows that someday i’m going to be there, i’m going to be her. and then the other one is just this child, adolescent even and she’s so angry, she’s raging all of the time. she’s saying the things out loud and doing the things that i have never allowed myself to do because i always tried to keep that part of me buried deep inside.

i always tried to keep her quiet or even worse, not acknowledge her or tell her that she was wrong. but, i’ve been learning that it’s not wrong to be angry. it’s not wrong to be angry at those who hurt you or that you don’t have to say nice things when there just isn’t one nice thing to say about them, or try to rationalize or give credit to their behavior as if it makes you a better person because you’re saying so. it doesn’t. so, because i never acknowledged her or tried to keep her quiet, she has come out in various ways the last few months that may have very well hindered my healing and allowed my hurt to penetrate every part of my being by mostly prolong my pain as well. but, even with that, she allowed me to acknowledge what i would have never before. she allowed me to be more human than i ever thought i could be. and i need that. 

because i want to heal. i want to let in healing because it’s just time. i’m ready to heal. i’m ready to move on. i’m ready to validate certain things about the way that i feel and know that it’s a perfectly healthy way to not only acknowledge my growth, but my ability to finally take care of myself. i feel like i know enough about what i do know to start to really heal, to understand what is good for me and what isn’t. i feel like i am between letting go and acceptance and it’s a hard place to be in. again, to know what i know, to know my own truth, to know the truth of the situation but, to still feel like when i look back i am somehow missing out on something, i am still missing someone, and i am still so unsure of just how to love myself and know that i am worthy despite what another has to say or has done to me.

you know, we all have a past. and sometimes our past, where we come from is just so fucked up. i don’t know what other way to say it. i don’t know if there is a real poetic way to say it either. sometimes where we start out at is just so fucked up and so are the people that are supposed to help us enter this world with the idea that we are going to be loved unconditionally, that we are wanted, that we are worthy and that we can trust people that are the closest to us because that’s how it’s supposed to be. we are supposed to have those things. but, like i said in the quote above that there are things that we don’t want but do have to accept and that unfortunately there are things that we don’t want to know but have to learn. 

it’s been a hard road. it’s been a long road. and it’s still not over yet. on a daily basis i find myself between emotional highs and vast lows, and every other feeling in-between. feelings of insecurity, doubt, anger, hatred, sickness, longing, loneliness, panic, fear, and then sometimes, however small it may be i am able to experience feelings of kindness, goodness, positivity, warmth, and hope. and i think that’s the thing i need to also remember amongst the backdrop of the delayed anger that i am apt to feeling, that i am indeed feeling things that may just put me on the other side of this. 

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