what are you willing to let go of?

8 Oct

i thought i would follow suit in talking about what had been discussed in the quote i posted earlier. at the end of the quote, the question asked was, “what is it that you would let go of today?” i think it’s a rather simple question but has a very complicated answer. because i have been asking myself the same question all summer and now it’s fall (as you can very well tell outside, its a shit storm of rain/lightening/thunder) and i’m still asking the same question and i don’t know if i really have answers either.

i say that because i’m not quite sure what i’m willing to let go of. actually, that’s not the right answer. i know what i’m willing to let go of, i just don’t think i’ve done it yet and i’m not quite sure how to do it either. okay, well maybe that’s not the right answer either. i think the right answer is that to let go of something you just well, let go of it. ah so simple, right? so simple that it barely even bears repeating again but, i’m sure i will. because if anyone has ever let go of something, attempted to do so, thought about it, twisted and turned about it at night or in the daytime or pretty much anytime they were breathing, than you know that it isn’t just a matter of letting it go because folks if it was that easy, goddamn we’d all be feeling much lighter than we do (or at least i would).

we all have things we want to let go of and maybe some of us have. i’m not sure if i’ve ever really been a person who has done that. actually, i know i’m not. not that i am a resentful person or hold things against others (i mostly hold it against myself) but, i don’t think i have ever learned the art of letting go. and lemme tell you, it’s definitely an art form at which i am a complete virgin at. 

in my introduction the other day, i was talking about being in a transitional phase of my life, also deemed “suck” which i still fully stand by but, it isn’t just a transitional phase in the sense that dare i say it, being unemployed, graduated from college and quite unsure of prospects ahead of me, but it’s a transitional phase in the sense that i feel like i am finally trying to grow into who i’m going to be. and i think the person i want to be is a person who feels lighter, who isn’t carrying around a bunch of old demons who do nothing but set up meetings in my head to discuss just how much continued damage they can do all while living it up and dancing and partying throughout other parts of my being as well. they’re very active these demons, let’s just say that.

so, in this “suck” phase, i’m learning or trying to for the life of me, on how to let go of the things that just aren’t good for me, give me nothing but attitude and pain, and most of all are the things that i cannot change. if you know me and again, i hope you will get to know me better through this blog, that i am a person of control. i like to know what i’m doing, where i’m going and how i’m going to get there. i like to have a plan, i like to make plans. 

so, as you might have guessed that being suddenly (or maybe not so suddenly) thrust into a place where maps and plans are for losers, and living day-by-day, and being present and in the now are what’s in…well…i’m not quite sure how well that’s working out for me. i mean here i am babbling on and on about just how not right it feels. it gives me incredible anxiety to just tell you how not right it feels, or to type the words, not right. 

yet, i think this is what people might tell me that this is what i need. a good ass-kicking for being someone who is so goddamn in control all of the time. the other day i was thinking how i’ve lived my life most of the time. and i’ve lived a lot of it in the sense that i have done many things because i didn’t want to be like certain people. if i saw someone doing something, i would think, “okay, that’s not what i want to do” and i would do something completely opposite but, how is that really any way to live? doing things only because you didn’t want to end up like someone else? well, it got me here, at this existential crisis of my life. i think back to those certain people whom i never wanted to be like and i realize just how alike we really are and how we ended up at the same crossroads at one point of our lives. and now when i look at them, i admire them. i admire them for being that kind of person. for rebelling, for acting out, for screaming their fucking heads off when something bothered them, for raging, and for mostly, being so brave by just being true to themselves.

that’s what i’m learning now. i’m learning that man, i’ve got some true demons and they are requiring my attention almost 24/7 and they are not going to let up until i give them that attention. until i allow myself to be that person i should have always been but never allowed myself to be. to scream out loud when i was in pain, to tell someone close to me that they’ve disappointed me, to not be so goddamn afraid to not have a plan (this one still bothers me), to be so raw on the inside and out that it’s almost unbearable, to act out and be a less-than-put-together person, to chase my tail, and to really dig so deep inside of myself that i’m unsure of when or where i’m going to find the light. 

so, i ask myself again what am i willing to let go, even just for today? i’m willing to let go of the idea that if i don’t at least attempt to learn how to move on, to give the required attention to what’s bubbling beneath this surface, than i’m not going to survive. i guess that means first things first…get moving. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: