so what does it look like to be lost in your twentys?

8 Oct

well, to answer the question above, it looks like this…watching the sixth season of criminal minds on a monday afternoon as my dog pretends to sleep waiting for the dinner bell to be rung. not very eventful and not much to note. that is what it seems like to be lost in your twentys but, there is always more to the story than what you see on surface, isn’t there?

it all started four months ago or maybe it was longer. sometimes i can’t tell. but, i can say it was definitely one of those experiences that it’s anything but the specific experience. it was one of those things that not only are you going through something already shitty, but all your other demons want to come out and play.

so, what did i do? i got the hell out of dodge. i packed my bags, threw them into the trunk of my car and headed down to california (solo i might add)  to seek some much-needed refuge from friends. to say the least the sun was endless, the wine was plenty, and my friends could have been grade-A refugee workers the way they tried to huddle me in the shelter of their arms as i cried and spewed nonsense about the black-hole that was my life, and most importantly, time wasn’t an issue. but, it wasn’t enough. especially with time doing the devil’s dance all over my body.

see, if you know me (and maybe you will through this blog), i have a thing about time. a BIG thing. and it contributes a lot to why i feel the way i do about myself at this age (i have yet to disclose my age, let’s just say i’m in my later twentys and plus we just met each other, how rude to ask my age so soon!) in the sense that i thought i would be much further in my life at this point in many endeavors. but, we will get back to that later.

i left california after a month with one kick-ass tan, some new apparel, and enough sage advice to fill a book or two. but, i felt anything but great. i may have looked it (thanks to you tan!) but on the inside, i felt much different. i still could not shake the feeling that i felt all the way down to california, through each and every sunny experience and my eventual return back home…brokenness. and it wasn’t just a broken heart, it was much more than that. it was my soul.

i was home for about three weeks until i hit the road again. this time it was to florida and missouri to visit my sister and my best friend respectively. and it happened again. i had high hopes that seeing these very special people would somehow do me good, make me feel less broken in some way, or help me to repair what i felt like i was so lacking. don’t get me wrong, i enjoyed being in the proximity of the people that i loved so incredibly because when you’re going through something so harsh, there is nothing like getting to see people who no longer live near you, in person. but again, it just wasn’t enough.

i left those two hot-ass states with another great tan but even the tan couldn’t warm or change what i was feeling beneath. as i returned home, my job was nearly over and i was only two weeks to being finished with the last class i was ever going to take as an undergraduate. everything was coming to an end and it was all happening at the worse possible time too. i did mention before how demons like to all come out at once? it was as if they had all suddenly banned together and yelled CHARGE!! pesky bastards.

my job ended as did my class which i then received my bachelor’s degree in psychology. again, something that should have made me feel better, something that should have opened the doors wide open to real and actual healing. but, it just didn’t. i wouldn’t let it. i read this book that said when you’re feeling bad about yourself, you continue to do things or play back memories that somehow reassures just how bad you’re feeling about yourself. let’s just say that i became a kung-fu master at heaping pain onto pain because through all of these lovely travels, friends who held me and talked endlessly about who they knew me to be, and new experiences that i might never have had otherwise, i took the path less traveled and of much resistance. i continued to doubt everything that i was, let the words/thoughts/beliefs/actions of others take my mind (or basically my whole being) for hostage, replay the past like it was going out of style and anything and everything that would cut off access to healing.

so, that sort of brings me to here, and now you too. you want to know what i have learned through all of this and if i’m somehow better now? well, as you can tell by the question i posed above and have since explained my answer, you can tell that the jury is still out. and it’s still a questionable time in my life. some people call it a transition. i call it suck.

but, i have been doing what i like to call research in a way. it’s just more geared towards implementing it into my life rather than putting it into a paper that i would turn into my professor. i’ve been hitting the job trail like my dog hits her food bowl at dinner time: aggressively, relentlessly, and doesn’t finish until every last piece of food has been put into her mouth. i’ve also been writing in my journal or just writing in general (hence this blog), reading like i used to in college (now it’s just more self-help than text), learning the art of meditation, running/spinning a few times a week, and having the privilege to be constantly stuck in the middle of the awesomeness vortex that are my friends.

i want to go back to what i said previously about time. it’s a funny thing, you know? i now have more of it than i know what to do with it yet, it’s the perfect time to use it to my benefit. to take time. to make time. to use time. most of all, to be productive with it now that i do have it. so, that is where i find myself. somewhere in the middle of where i used to be and where i’d like to be and i gotta say, it’s no picnic in the park trying to decipher where i’m going to be on any given day.

so, i would say that this is what it looks like to be lost in my twenties. one long period of being in the unknown. and i’m not sure what it’s going to look like when i have it all “figured out” (again, if there is such a thing) but, i’d like to believe that it’s going to be awesome, feel amazing, and most of all, something that i can arrive at. here’s to the continuation of navigating my way through this rocky terrain of my twentys…

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2 Responses to “so what does it look like to be lost in your twentys?”

  1. Jeyna Grace October 7, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

    I do hope you would be ‘found’ soon 🙂

    • ninader26 October 7, 2013 at 11:41 pm #

      Thank you Jenya. I hope you will continue to follow my blog if it interests you. I will now be following yours. Looking forward to it.

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